When Are The Zombies Going To Attack…Seriously?
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
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Current mood: I mean, come on. We all know it’s inevitable. Zombies ARE going to attack us and take over the world. I just want to know when. It’s been done over and and over again in movie after movie and I am ready. I’ve got my shotgun and my case of bottled water in the basement. Let’s do this thing. I’m mostly looking forward to the all out Zombie attack so I don’t have to go to work anymore. My new profession will be badass Zombie Killer, but I’m going to spell it “Killa” because that is even more badder asser. My job now isn’t too bad but it would be a lot better if there was more action, like say if there were a bunch of zombies trying to eat my brain around every corner. Plus, I’m really tired of getting up early and taking the train downtown. I suppose you could say that when everyone else turns into a zombie, I will go through a sort of transformation myself. Mild-mannered Matt Kelley will turn into cold-blooded Zombie Killer, Matt Killa. I will no longer ride the train downtown for work. I’m gonna drive a sweet truck with spikes all over it so I can crash through all the roadblocks and burning cars while I’m looking for other survivors. Actually, I’m hoping for an El Camino so I can still drive it like a car but put a bunch of shit in the back like a truck, but I don’t know if there will be any El Caminos left after the apocalypse. They’re pretty rare already. I’ve already started moving my stuff into the grocery store too because when the zombies DO attack, that’s where I’m going to live. I figure a lot of food in there has a long shelf life and I’ll be able to live at least a few years of off dried pasta and Munch-ems. All the produce will go bad but that’s cool, I’ll just use it to make napalm to fight off the zombies. How you get napalm out of a bunch of rotten carrots and tomatoes I’m not sure but I’ll figure it out in time. So, if you’re reading this now and you aren’t a zombie, you can come to the Jewel-Osco grocery store off of Ashland and Wellington. I’ll protect you from the zombies WHEN they attack. If you already are a zombie and you’re reading this, don’t go to the Jewel-Osco because I am not really there. If you come there anyway, even though I am totally not going to be there, I will kill you. Ok, somebody seriously needs to spread the super-virus or open the crypt or whatever to start the zombie attack because I have to leave for work in like 7 minutes. I was really hoping this could be the day. No? No, sirens? No fires? No marshall law? Rats. Well, I’ll be ready tomorrow too.
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mischievous