Matt Kelley is Great.com

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Current mood: Shiny
Category: Shiny Blogging

It has come to my attention that I need an assistant. See, there are tasks required for my everyday life that either no longer have time for or no longer desire to perform anymore. I figure with an assistant I will have more time to do other things like hangliding and ultimate fighting.

Duties include: Heavy typing, script writing, video editing, light graphics work, working 40 hours a week at my job for me, taking ALL phone calls, paying bills, cooking for and bathing of Matt Kelley, changing the channel when something lame comes on TV, sending Christmas Cards, massage, purchasing of soft things, taking out the garbage, light laundry.

Basically, I’ll be like your kid so this would be a perfect job for somebody that wants to be a parent someday. If you want I can even bug you to buy me stuff at the store or wake up screaming in the middle of the night to make it seem more like you have a kid.

Actually, this job would probably be best for mom practice because I can’t really afford to pay any money. I promise not to crap myself or anything too so you can avoid that…for now.

Also, you should be totally foxy. I mean, you gotta have a foxy assistant. I think it’s a rule inthe assistant’s guide book or something. So, if you’re not foxy please don’t apply. Sorry, not my choice. It’s in the rule book.

So, if you’d like to be my assistant please write me an essay in 1,000,000 words or less about why you kick ass over all assistants. Bonus points if it’s all just bullshit that you make up. You can send a resume and references if you want to but the essay is the fun part. Resumes are totally a boring read and I probably won’t call your references because I have phonephobia.

I’d like to dedicate the rest of this bog to Beck’s Beer. Holy fuck Germans know how to make good beer! That should be their new slogan. If you’re hired as my assistant, your first task will be negotiating with the Beck’s people.

Currently watching :
Afro Samurai (Director's Cut)
Release date: 22 May, 2007