“Tigermilk”
“Tigermilk”
Matt Kelley
03/09/06
CAST
STEVE, 40’s
TONY, 20’s
MR. HIROHITO, 40’s
STEVE
Ok, Tony. This is a very important client we have coming in today. If we don’t close this deal, it could mean the end of Peterson, Peterson and Gunn.
TONY
Don’t worry about it boss. I’ll take good care of him.
STEVE
That’s the kind of attitude I like to see, my boy. So, when he gets here, I want you to take his coat, offer him a drink. Anything he wants, he gets. Kapeach?
TONY
Kapeach. Oh, how convenient is that? Here he comes now.
(MR. HIROHITO ENTERS)
STEVE
Mr. Hirohito. Kenichewa. Welcome to our offices. Please have a seat.
MR. HIROHITO
Thank you. Thank you very much.
(MR. HIRHITO sits)
STEVE
This is my assistant Tony.
TONY
Can I take your coat, Mr. Hirohito?
MR. HIROHITO
Yes. Thank you. Thank you very much.
(TONY takes MR. HIROHITO’s coat)
STEVE
Mr. Hirohito, we’ve been working on some really great stuff and I’m sure you’re going to love what you see. (clears throat) Tony.
TONY
Oh, uh, Mr. Hirohito. Would you like something to drink? Some water maybe?
MR. HIROHITO
Yes. Thank you very much. I’d like a glass.
TONY
I’m sorry, you want to rake some grass?
MR. HIROHITO
No, a glass.
STEVE
Tony, get him some grass.
TONY
You got it boss.
(TONY EXITS)
STEVE
Please excuse my assistant. He’s a little hard of hearing.
MR. HIROHITO
No, you make a mistake.
STEVE
Of course. Of course. As soon as Tony gets back here I’ll have him order up a couple of thick American steaks. Best in town. Now let’s take a look at these curtains, shall we?
MR. HIROHITO
No, no, no. Not a . . .
(TONY ENTERS with grass on a plate)
TONY
Here you are, Mr. Hirohito. Fresh from the lawn.
MR. HIROHITO
No, you make a mistake. I don’t want some grass. I want a glass.
STEVE
Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Hirohito. My assistant will take of it. Tony, order up some steaks. (to Tony only) and find out what the hell kind of grass he’s talking about.
TONY
I think I know what he wants.
(TONY whips out some weed and lights a joint)
TONY
Here you go Mr. Hirohito. This is really good stuff. I’ll get those steaks ordered up right away.
(TONY moves to next room and picks up phone)
MR. HIROHITO
No. Mistake. Mistake.
TONY
I’m on it, Mr. Hirohito. You just keep puffing on that joint. I’ve got plenty more.
MR. HIROHITO
Nevermind. Let’s take a look at the curtains.
STEVE
Tony, get a rook and some puritans too.
(STEVE and TONY look at each other and shrug. MR. HIROHITO puts down weed to look at curtains)
TONY
Steaks are on the way and I got the rook and puritans too. It’s gonna be extra.
STEVE
Excellent, Tony. What do you think of these Mr. Hirohito.
MR. HIROHITO
I think we need to use finer silk.
STEVE
Tiger milk? You got it. Tony, while you’re out getting those steaks, pick up some tiger milk for Mr. Hirohito.
TONY
I think the tiger at the zoo just had kittens, sir. I’m on my way.
(TONY EXITS)
MR. HIROHITO
No. That’s not what I want. Okay?
STEVE
Rent Willy Wonka too.
TONY
Ok.
MR. HIROHITO
I need nothing!
STEVE
Tony. Mr. Hirohito’s nuts sting. Get some icy hot too.
TONY
You got it!
MR. HIROHITO
No. No. No. Stupid American. I no want grass. I want glass. I no want milk. I want silk. How stupid you can be?
(pause)
STEVE
Mr. Hirohito. I am so sorry. It must be the culture gap. It’s just hard for us to understand you. I hope you will forgive me.
MR. HIROHITO
Apology accepted.
STEVE
Great. As soon as Tony gets back I’ll have him get that amputee clown with one roller-skate and the tattoo of a spider on his face you wanted.
MR. HIROHITO
Thank you. Thank you very much.