Matt Kelley is Great.com

Current mood: bitchy

I wish tiger Woods lived closer to me. We would be the best of friends. We really would. If I needed to borrow a stick of butter or a chainsaw, I would walk over to my good buddy Tiger’s house and borrow said items. “No hurry to bring it back” he would say. Tiger Woods would trust me with his belongings and with good reason. I would always treat all items borrowed from Tiger Woods as if they were my own. In the summers, I would spend most weekends over at Tiger’s house. I would come over to swim in the pool and Tiger would grill steaks on the BBQ. I’d yell at him to watch me dive and he would say that he was even if he was really concentrating on the steaks. Tiger and i would never golf, partially because I can’t stand the sport but mostly because i’m sure he gets sick of it too. No, most of our days would be spent laughing and talking of memories past. Sometimes I would get really drunk and pass out on Tiger’s couch. He wouldn’t mind. He would carry me upstairs and tuck me into one of the beds in one of his many guest bedrooms. In the morning, I would wake up and wonder where the hell i was and whose clothes I was wearing, but then i would smell the sizzling bacon cooking on the stove. I was at Tiger’s house. I was safe.