“The Pudding Listener”
“The Pudding Listener”
M. Kelley
February 21, 2006
CAST
MR. BOOTH, 40’s
KATRINA, 20’s
THE PUDDING LISTENER, Age Unknown
(MR. BOOTH and KATRINA stand outside a now empty bank vault)
MR. BOOTH
Where the hell are the cops? Those bank robbers are probably halfway to Fresno by now.
KATRINA
You want me to call them again, Mr. Booth?
MR. BOOTH
No Katrina, that won’t be necessary. God, this town has really gone to the mongooses. You know what this place needs? A hero.
KATRINA
A hero?
(THE PUDDING LISTENER ENTERS)
THE PUDDING LISTENER
A hero!
MR. BOOTH
Yes, a hero. Who are you?
THE PUDDING LISTENER
Me? I’m the Pudding Listener. Defender of truth. Seeker of justice. Lover to assorted cereal-based desserts.
KATRINA
I’ve heard of you. You’re the guy who solves crimes through the mysteries of pudding.
THE PUDDING LISTENER
That’s right. Whether it be boiled, baked or steamed, no crime is too tough to solve.
MR. BOOTH
The Pudding Listener? Oh that’s just great. Look buddy, thanks but no thanks. This isn’t really a pudding-based crime.
THE PUDDING LISTENER
Pudding has more to do with it than you think.
KATRINA
It wouldn’t hurt to let him try, sir. Go ahead Pudding Listener, please show us your mystical ways.
THE PUDDING LISTENER
Do you have any pudding?
MR. BOOTH
No, we don’t have any pudding. This is a bank not 17th Century England.
THE PUDDING LISTENER
There’s pudding here. I can sense it.
KATRINA
I have a jell-o pudding cup in my lunch.
(KATRINA retrieves pudding)
MR. BOOTH
We don’t have time for this.
THE PUDDING LISTENER
There’s always time for jell-o.
(KATRINA gives pudding to THE PUDDING LISTENER. THE PUDDING LISTENER opens the pudding cup)
THE PUDDING LISTENER
Spoon?
(KATRINA gives plastic spoon to THE PUDDING LISTENER. THE PUDDING LISTENER holds the pudding cup up to his ear)
MR. BOOTH
Do you want to know what happened? What the guys looked like?
THE PUDDING LISTENER
No. No. The pudding will tell me.
(SILENCE)
MR. BOOTH
This is ridiculous. Well, what does it say?
THE PUDDING LISTENER
I’m afraid this pudding didn’t make it.
KATRINA
Aww, how did it happen?
THE PUDDING LISTENER
Suffocation. Pudding can’t survive in these little plastic cups forever.
MR. BOOTH
Great. Now can you please get out of here?
THE PUDDING LISTENER
Please. A moment of silence for my fallen brethren.
MR. BOOTH
Seriously?
(Everyone bows their heads. There is a moment of silence. THE PUDDING LISTENER begins eating the pudding)
MR. BOOTH
You’re eating your fallen brethren?
THE PUDDING LISTENER
Pudding is high in calcium. It’s a lot of work being a superhero.
KATRINA
Yeah, Mr. Booth. The Pudding Listener volunteers his time and risks his life so we can live or lives without fear.
MR. BOOTH
But he hasn’t done anything. The only thing he’s accomplished is eating that pudding cup.
THE PUDDING LISTENER
Consuming the bodies of my deceased kin fuels my pudding sensors. In fact, I feel them working now. There’s pudding near. Vanilla. No, butterscotch.
(THE PUDDING LISTENER searches around for the source of the pudding. He finally stops at MR. BOOTH’s pocket)
MR. BOOTH
Ohhh, fine.
(MR. BOOTH takes pudding from his pocket and gives it to PUDDING LISTENER)
KATRINA
Wow. He’s really good.
MR. BOOTH
It’s not even cooked. How are you going to figure anything out form uncooked pudding?
THE PUDDING LISTENER
That’s the beauty of pudding. Not only is it delicious, but it only takes seconds to make.
MR. BOOTH
I was going to make that for dessert tonight.
THE PUDDING LISTENER
Do you want to find out what happened here or not?
MR. BOOTH
I know what happened here. Two guys robbed the bank. One was wearing a Ronald McDonald mask and the other guy had a tattoo of a tiger on his. . .
THE PUDDING LISTENER
The pudding will tell all. Katrina! It’s time to make the pudding!
KATRINA
Yes, sir!
(KATRINA runs off stage and returns immediately with cooked pudding)
KATRINA
Wow. That was really easy to make.
(KATRINA hands bowl of pudding to THE PUDING LISTENER. He listens)
THE PUDDING LISTENER
Hmmm. Yes. Interesting. Very interesting. Mmmhmmm.
(THE PUDDING LISTENER begins to eat the pudding)
MR. BOOTH
Hey, stop that. That pudding is for my kids.
(THE PUDDING LISTENER aggressively eats more pudding. MR. BOOTH tries to stop him)
MR. BOOTH
You son of a bitch.
THE PUDDING LISTENER
It’s mine! Leave me alone! It’s mine!
KATRINA
What is it pudding listener? What is the pudding trying to tell us?
MR. BOOTH
Damn it, Katrina. Can’t you see this guy is a pudding thieving phony?
KATRINA
The robbers! Where are they now?
MR. BOOTH
Katrina, help me!
THE PUDDING LISTENER
Wait!
(EVERYONE STOPS)
THE PUDDING LISTENER
What the hell is that thing?
(MR. BOOTH and KATRINA look to see where PUDDING LISTENER is pointing)
THE PUDDING LISTENER
Pudding away!
(THE PUDDING LISTENER runs away)
MR. BOOTH
Katrina?
KATRINA
Yes, sir?
MR. BOOTH
You’re fired.
KATRINA
Yes, sir.