Matt Kelley is Great.com

Category: Blogging

I haven’t had a cigarette for 5 days and man do I feel great! Wait. Did I say great? I meant to say that I feel like poking out my own eyes and tearing off all of my skin. Actually, it’s really not that bad. Cravings don’t really last that long and can be easily taken care of by a little harmless self-mutilation. Everytime I want a cigarette, I just cut myself with a razorblade and what do you know? The cravings stop! I just hope this doesn’t turn out like the last time I quit smoking; gaining thirty pounds by substituting food for smokes and then starting to smoke again to drop the weight with no success and not getting the free bag of weed I was promised, which was why I quit smoking in the first place. I guess I just need to be properly motivated. And no, not getting cancer is not enough motivation for me. Some of my best friends are cancers. Right now, avoiding a punch in the face seems to be enough motivation, though I hardly doubt that Kevin has the tacos to really throw a punch my way. In case you have’t seen my new picture, I’m quite the scrapper.