Matt Kelley is Great.com

August 30, 2007 - Thursday

Category: Blogging

I never had a problem with my mother trying to get me to eat my peas when i was a little guy. Part of this is because we rarely ever ate peas but I think the main reason is because I actually like peas. They are yummy little guys. Put some butter (or some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Spray for those of you with high chloresterol) on those puppies and you’re good to go. Mmmmmm. Yummy yummy peas.

The other thing that ilike about peas is that are easy to control with your mind. If you will a pea to do something, 90% of the time it will obey. They won’t do anything evil like destroy you’re enemies or push old ladies down flights of stairs. No, peas are friendly little buddies. For the most part they are quite good-hearted.

They will do things like get the remote for you if it’s too far away or lay your clothes out for work while you are in the shower. They are so great, peas. I love them….

Ok, I think they’re gone. All that stuff I said about peas earlier is all bullshit. The peas made me write it. They are evil little bastrds. Don’t trust them. Don’t trust the peas! They kidnapped my family and said if i didn’t write something very nice about them, they would torture my cat, Chewbacca. I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do.

I wish broccoli was here. Now there’s a real vegetable, broccoli. He would know what to do about these evil peas. I think the peas are stealing my stuff. I can hear them ripping the copper wiring out of the walls. Oh broccoli where are you? You are so big and strong. You are king of all the vegetables….

Ok, I think he’s gone. All that crap I said about broccoli was bullshit. There was a stalk of broccoli in here and he had a knife. He said he would stab me if I didn’t write bad things about the peas and great things about him. He said he had to make a phone call and I locked him out. If you see this dangerous character out on the street,call the cops. He’s about three feet high. He’s green and he has a knife and a cell phone. Man I’m glad he’s gone.

Truth is, tomatoes are the best damn vegetable there is. Or is it a fruit? Whatever. All I know is, I was at the grocery store the other day and there was this tomato in the produce section and he was smoking a huge joint. He asked if I wanted to hit it and i was all like “fuck yeah.” The tomtato came home with me and we got funky Not like sex funky or anything but like party down funky. We watched The Simpsons on DVD and ordered a pizza. Then we listened to records and the tomato gave me a mixtape of his favorite songs.

I think this may be hands down the stupidest blog I ‘ve ever written…and I’ve wrote some doozies. Oh well. Can’t win them all. I’ll try again tomorrow.

Currently watching :
Xanadu
Release date: 20 July, 1999

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August 29, 2007 - Wednesday

Current mood: Rubbery
Category: Rubbery Blogging

This Friday I will be attending the opera. I will be escorting a large pitbull. I don’t really like the opera but the large pitbull really wants to go. I didn’t think large pitbulls were really the types of characters that attend operas but I guess this large pitbull goes to them all the time.

I had to call ahead to the opera house. You know, to let them know that I would be escorting a large pitbull. Appearantly, most opera houses don’t allow large pitbulls. I guess they are afraid that the pitbulls will bark loudly during the performance or jump up on the stage and pee or something. I assured the opera house manager that the large pitbull I will be escorting is very well behaved.

The hard part was finding a tuxedo made for a large pitbull. If it were a smaller dog like a chihuahua or a lhasa apso it would have been much easier. They make all kinds of silly clothes for those foo foo dogs. Like I said before, pitbulls rarely attend operas and consequently don’t often have a need for a tuxedo. I found one eventually but it wasn’t easy.

I’ve escorted dogs to many other places before; the park, the vet, outside in general but never an opera. The large pitbull is very excited about our date. I however, am not so excited. I don’t really like the opera. Plus, tickets are pretty expensive. The large pitbull promises that he will pay me back for the tickets but as far as I know he doesn’t even have a job. I guess it doesn’t really matter. I owe the large pitbull a favor.

A few years ago, I was on African Safari with my mom and some of her friends from the country club. Our caravan got stuck in some mud and we were surrounded by hungry lions. I don’t know where he came from but just as the lions were about to eat us, the large pitbull appeared with a bag full of gruit roll-ups. We all had a good laugh. The lions decided not to eat us. Turns out lions really like fruit roll-ups.

The opera we’re seeing is Italian. That kind of sucks because I don’t speak Italian at all. I know a little Spanish and I guess that’s pretty close but still I don’t think I know enough Spanish to understand an entire opera written in Italian. I’ll probably be leaning over a lot to the large pitbull to ask him to explain what is going on. I’m pretty sure he speaks Italian or at least understands it.

I just can’t wait to get it over with. I know the large pitbull saved me and my mom and her friends from the country club from getting eaten by lions but once this Friday is over I’m done with large pitbulls all together. I like dogs, but this large pitbull is always borrowing my stuff and leaving my cabinets open. Last Wednesday the large pitbull came over and drank all my Gatorade. Then he put the empty bottle back in the refridgerator. What a jerk!

After this Wednesday, I’m washing my hands of this particular large pitbull for good. I don’t want to say all pitbulls as not to seem dog racist. I feel that dog racism is a growing problem in society today and I’m doing my best to avoid becoming a part of it. I must admit though, this large pitbull is making that task quite difficult.

Two weeks ago, this large pitbull brought over a bunch of his friends to play poker. I had a quiet night of reading planned and then out of nowhere 6 large pitbulls just stop by to play poker until two in the morning. I lost forty bucks too. I can’t wait for Friday to be over.

Currently watching :
Shrink Your Female Fat Zones
Release date: 19 August, 2003

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August 28, 2007 - Tuesday

Current mood: Chinese Category: Chinese Blogging Ok.  I get it.  You want me to buy Fallout Boy’s record.  You want me to think that Pete Wentz is a hot piece of manmeat and you might even want me to but a ticket for a movie starring Fallout Boy in the near future.  Let’s just get it out of the way right now; thank you, but I respectfully decline more Fallout Boy.  In fact, I would really appreciate it if you could get rid of them altogether.  It’s ok.  You made a mistake.  Everybody makes mistakes sometimes.  Now please just make them go away and let us never speak of them again.  Let’s just do whatever Satanic incantation we need to do and send them back to whatever awful distorted “punk rock” hell dimension they came from.  We should all learn a lesson from this.  It’s not polite to shove boy bands down people’s throats.  I thought we learned our lesson with Vanilla Ice and NKOTB in the early 90’s.  Then again we should have learned it with The Backstreet Boys, NSYNC and the whole Britney Spears fiasco a decade later.  Once again, I overestimated everyone’s intelligence.  For this I apologize.  I should have spoken up sooner.  So, just so we are straight now; please no more Fallout Boy…ever.  No more bad music, no more commercials, please never make a movie and for god sakes please no more of that asshole bass player.   You do know that guy is the bass player right?  He’s not the lead singer or the even the guitarist.  He’s the bass player.  Nobody likes the bass player.  It’s the easiest job in the band.  He just plays root notes.  Sure the bass can be a cool instrument to play but not if you are in a bad “punk rock” band.  If I had a 10 year old cousin, I would say “My 10 year old cousin can play bass as good as that guy from Fallout Boy.”  Please stop glorifying Pete Wentz.  He’s a little bitch.  While we are sending terrible things back to the hell in which they came, please send back Tom Cruise, Lindsay Lohan, Britney, Male Models, Cauliflower, hillbillies and a little more than half of the Madonna personalities.  I’ll keep Vogue Madonna, Victorian Madonna,  Dick Tracy Madonna, Leather Queen Madonna, and All the Way May.  You can have Slut Madonna, “With Honors” Madonna, Cross burning Pepsi Madonna (not because of the cross burning but because of the Pepsi), “Rain” Madonna, Kaballah Madonna, Guy Richie Madonna, and mommy Madonna.  Please send them all back to hell.  I’m glad we had this talk.  I uinderstand that you want to make records and sell those records for lots of money but come on, these guys?  I mean, if you’re going to do that just let me know and i’ll save one of my turds for you.  My turds could probably make way better records than Fallout Boy or half of the Madonnas.  Just give them a chance.                         Currently watching : Old Men in New Cars Release date: 04 October, 2005

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I will do almost anything for a girl who looks good in a denim skirt as long as she asks nicely.  Actually no, she doesn’t even have to ask nicely she just has to ask.  

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Monday, July 23, 2007

Current mood: Ray is a Taco Category: Ray is a Taco Blogging Man, I sure like having days off of work.  Don’t you? Of course you do.  There aren’t quite enough Holidays in the year for me to get paid for not going to work so I propose that everybody (or at least America) adopt some new Holidays. There are lots of cool things in the world that aren’t quite appreciated enough.  Why not dedicate a holiday to them?  Here are some suggestions: National Walrus Day- On this proposed Federal Holiday, Americans will band together to celebrate lazy oafish sea mammal, the walrus.  Everybody gets to be real lazy.  You sit around and watch TV in the sun all day.  Also, you eat a bunch of food with your friends and/or family, mostly fish.  However, you aren’t allowed to cook on National Walrus Day so you have to order out for fish.  This is unfortunate for most fish delivery boys but hey, you can’t shut everthing the fuck down.  April 19th.   Shut Everything the Fuck Down Day-I guess I was wrong.  Maybe you can shut everything down.  On this proposed Holiday nobody works.  Everybody just takes off work and gets drunk as fuck. Make sure you buy enough alcohol in advance because there won’t be any stores or bars open.  On this day Americans will remember what it’s like to live in the dark ages and get drunk off their asses.  There are probably A LOT of reasons why this Holiday wouldn’t work but what the fuck, right?  September 10th.    Please Don’t Kill Me, Robot Day!!-We all know it’s coming eventually.  Robots will at some point take over the world and make us (humans) into their slaves.  Why not start celebrating now?  On this day, people will smash their microwaves and toaters in the streets and run to the hills in fear of their lives.  Not the most pleasant holiday out there but it still beats Sweetest Day.  Yuck. Janurary 23rd.  Wednesday-Have you ever taken a Wednesday off in the middle of the week?  It’s bad ass.  It’s like a Saturday in the middle of the work week.  If any of these Holidays actually get approved, I’m hoping for this one.  It pretty much takes care of the whole not having enough Holidays problem.  It adds 52 holidays to the calendar.  I don’t even care what people do.  Anything they want I guess.  Every Wednesday of the year. Purple Punk Rock Prirate Week-On this proposed Holiday Americans will finally be able to celebrate all of their favorite things at once.  These things of course being pirates, punk rock music and the color purple.  Everybody will listen to the Adolescents really loud while talking like a pirate and throwing purple paint all over the place for an entire week.  Sounds like fun, right?  Right.  First week of November.  Do The Damn Thang Day-You know that thing that you’ve been trying to get done forever but could never find the time?  Well this day is your day to “Do The Damn Thang.”  You don’t have to work so you got time to get that thing done.  If you don’t have anything to do then you can work.  I’m sure the fish delivery boys could use some help.  So those are a few new Holiday ideas.  I think they are good but most people will probably think they are stupid.  Whatever.  If you have any other holiday ideas, feel free to post them here and I will send a letter (along with some dog doo) to the president for consideration of said Holidays.  Until then, I still have to go to work.        Currently watching : Pleasurecraft Release date: 06 July, 1999

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Saturday, July 21, 2007

I Guess Opposites Don’t Really Attract That Well Current mood: Tacolicious Category: Tacolicious Blogging So, Paula Abdul has a new reality TV show called “Hey Paula.”  I watched it.  It hits just about par on the reality show scoring card.  Paula goes about her daily business and we, as an obedient and braindead audience, are supposed to laugh at how crazy she is.  The show is nothing special but I did notice something that I didn’t expect.  It appears that MC Skat Kat is out of the picture.  Maybe I’m just out of the loop, but I always assumed that after ”Opposites Attract” dropped, they got married and lived happily ever after.  When did they break up and how come nobody ever told me about it?  Half the news you see today is about celebrity relationships and when one that actually sparks my interest finally comes along I hear almost no gossip about it at all.    It must have been an ugly breakup too cuz on the episode of “Hey Paula” that I saw they didn’t even talk about MC Skat Kat.  They sang about it so much in that song I thought the relationship was bound to last at least a few years.  But on the other hand, if somebody kept stealing the covers of a bed that I always had to make I would probably break up with them too.  My theory is that MC Skat Kat was the one to blame for the end of their relationship.  It’s hard to trust a boyfriend who parties all night when you’re the kind of girl that goes to bed early.  Also, he probably took the relationship too lightly while Paula was taking it serious.  Of course it always takes two to fail at a relationship.  Maybe if Paula Abdul just let herself get into MC Skat Kat’s world a little more the relationship wouldn’t have ended so soon.  Judging from the lyrics of the song, she does sound kind of lame.  Maybe if she just tried a cigarette or stopped moving so slow once in a while she would have found that she actually likes doing some of the same things MC Skat Kat likes.  I guess the only thing they really had in common was the tap dancing.  So, the moral of the story?  Tap dancing isn’t enough to make a romantic relationship work. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbknGnZXHUk Currently watching : Budo: The Art of Killing Release date: 25 January, 2005

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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Current mood: Crunchy Category: Crunchy Blogging If I ever have to have any type of surgery I know what Doctor I’m going to go to.   Dr. Dre.  I’m talking about Death Row records Dr. Dre too.  Not that fat ass Dr. Dre from Yo! MTV Raps.  Dude will hook me up with some dopalicious medical care.  The waiting lounge will be all pimped out and instead of one of those plastic hospital wristbands that i fucking hate I’ll be wearing an iced out gold chain with my name and information on it.  Pimp!   I’ll be in the Doctor’s office kickin it in my velour hospital gown while some fly honey takes my blood pressure.  Eventually, Dr. Dre will bust in.  Of course, he’ll be smoking a blunt.  “What seems to be the problem Motherfucker!?” he’ll say.  I’ll puff puff give and be all like, “I think I need a liver transplant, Dr.” to which Dr. Dre will respond, “Aight bitch.  Lay the fuck back.”  As I am being prepped for surgery, tons of people will walk into the room.  I’m talking like lots of people.  Like all the people from that Coolio video, “Fantastic Voyage.”  Some of them will be nurses and the anaestheologist will bring the bomb ass anaesthesia.  Everybody else will just be hos and hustlers.   I’ll hear some dope beats for a minute or two then I’ll be out.  When I wake up, Dr. Dre will be all like, “Operation was a success, motherfucker.” I’ll celebrate my new liver by drinking loads of Old English and St. Ides Malt Liquor drinks.  Snoop Dogg will be there by that time and he’ll give me a ride home.  The next day, I’ll go to the Cash Money Millionaires Detal facility to get my teeth cleaned and iced.          Currently watching : Dracula A.D. 1972 Release date: 04 October, 2005

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One time when I tried to quit smoking, I told everybody I was going to the library but I really just went to Taco Bell and ate 4 (crunchy) taco supremes by myself because I was craving a cigarette so bad.

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Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Current mood: Shiny
Category: Shiny Blogging

It has come to my attention that I need an assistant. See, there are tasks required for my everyday life that either no longer have time for or no longer desire to perform anymore. I figure with an assistant I will have more time to do other things like hangliding and ultimate fighting.

Duties include: Heavy typing, script writing, video editing, light graphics work, working 40 hours a week at my job for me, taking ALL phone calls, paying bills, cooking for and bathing of Matt Kelley, changing the channel when something lame comes on TV, sending Christmas Cards, massage, purchasing of soft things, taking out the garbage, light laundry.

Basically, I’ll be like your kid so this would be a perfect job for somebody that wants to be a parent someday. If you want I can even bug you to buy me stuff at the store or wake up screaming in the middle of the night to make it seem more like you have a kid.

Actually, this job would probably be best for mom practice because I can’t really afford to pay any money. I promise not to crap myself or anything too so you can avoid that…for now.

Also, you should be totally foxy. I mean, you gotta have a foxy assistant. I think it’s a rule inthe assistant’s guide book or something. So, if you’re not foxy please don’t apply. Sorry, not my choice. It’s in the rule book.

So, if you’d like to be my assistant please write me an essay in 1,000,000 words or less about why you kick ass over all assistants. Bonus points if it’s all just bullshit that you make up. You can send a resume and references if you want to but the essay is the fun part. Resumes are totally a boring read and I probably won’t call your references because I have phonephobia.

I’d like to dedicate the rest of this bog to Beck’s Beer. Holy fuck Germans know how to make good beer! That should be their new slogan. If you’re hired as my assistant, your first task will be negotiating with the Beck’s people.

Currently watching :
Afro Samurai (Director's Cut)
Release date: 22 May, 2007

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Monday, July 16, 2007

Current mood: Gigantic!!!
Category: Gigantic!!! Blogging

Gather round children and I’ll tell you a tale. A tale of the best friend I ever had…

It was a hot July afternoon last summer. All the neighborhood kids were joyfully playing in the streets; throwing rocks at cars, shooting bottle rockets at each other, fighting. Old Ma and Pa Stankomopolis were just about ready to fire up the grill to cook up some of their famous frozen all beef patties.

Pa Stankomopolis put out his cigarette in an uncooked burger, lit the match and tossed it into the grill. Well, there must have been some magic in that uncooked meat cuz when Pa Stankomopolis lit that grill, Beefy the Summer Snowman appeared in all his glory.

He was made of ground chuck meat with two match light charcoal eyes and a nose made from a King Cobra forty ounce bottle. The children were so amazed by Beefy they even stopped beating the hell out of each other in the streets. Everyone gathered around to get a look at their new friend.

Beefy sat down in an empty lawn chair and began smoking cigarettes and telling surly jokes to all the children. It was a very good time. I had never laughed so hard in all of my days.

Beefy yelled at Pa Stankomopolis to cook him a burger and all the kids agreed. They all wanted burgers!

The children began to rip at Beefy’s flesh to have Pa Stankomopolis cook them up some of the most delicious friend they had ever seen. Some kids just ate the meat from Beefy’s body raw. Beefy said stuff like “Owww” and “Get the hell away from me you little brats,” but we all just laughed. We were having such a good time.

Beefy was there all afternoon. He showed us pictures of a whore he had known in Vietnam and taught us all how to make a bomb out of tin foil and toilet bowl cleaner.

All of a sudden Suzy McTiptoes, the little neighbor girl down the street fell on the sidewalk and cracked her head open. It was a terrible sight. There was blood everywhere! And I mean everywhere! It was all over everybody’s clothes and all over the food. I mean, you wouldn’t even think that a little girl would have so much blood inside her but Suzy did.

Ma Stankomopolis ran up to Suzy and slipped in her blood. She took little Suzy’s pulse and informed us all of the sad news. Little Suzy McTiptoes, the little girl from down the strret, was dead. Everyone began to eat more burgers in mourning.

Then someting happened. Beefy got up out of his lawnchair for the first time and walked over to little Suzy’s limp lifeless body. I tried explaining to him what it meant to be dead, but Beefy wasn’t listening. No, he was glowing!

Beefy began to absorb all of little Suzy’s blood into all of his meat cracks. All the blood on all our clothes and burgers we were eating was being sucked right up into Beffy’s meat crevices. Pretty soon, Beefy was blood red with all the blood. I didn’t think a snowman made out of meat could have so much blood inside him, but then again I was wrong about how much blood you can fit inside a little girl.

Beefy began to cough and gag and then the most amazing thing happened! Beefy puked up all the blood back onto little Suzy. It was the bloodiest thing I had ever seen! Then something even better happened. Little Suzy began to twitch and scream. She was alive! She had cheated death and it was all thanks to Beefy!

Little Suzy wouldn’t shut up about all the terrible things she had seen on the other side, but we didn’t care as long as she was ok. We all kept thanking Beefy and he kept telling us to leave him the hell alone and to cook him another burger. Then he would rip off some of his meat and hand it to us.

The afternoon was great. I asked how long Beefy could stay because he was starting to stink from all the rotten meat in the sun. He told me that wasn’t going nowhere. I assumed this meant that he was going somewhere but when he wouldn’t leave I realized it was just bad grammar. It was getting late and the BBQ was just about over. I told Beefy that he had to go now, but he laid a mean guilt trip on me about how he fed everybody and saved the little girl and he asked if he could crash on my couch for a couple of days. Reluctantly, I said it was cool.

Suddenly it started to rain. Now the BBQ was really over. All the children started to scramble; picking up all their rocks and bottle rockets. We all shuffled into my house and looked at the rain outside.

To our surprise Beefy was still out there. Appearantly, he was stuck in a lawnchair. I heard him screaming. It was the worst noise I ever heard. Finally he got out and made a run for the door. He had just about got to it when…wham! I locked the door. Beefy began to pound and scream. He said that the water was killing him, that it felt like acid. He was slowly dying. The neighbors and I all watched as Beefy the Summer Snowman melted into a pile of meat on my porch step, cursing all of our names with his last breath.

Later that day I met my best friend, Sam Phillips.

Currently watching :
Red Sonja
Release date: 06 July, 2004

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