Never Trust A Man With A Moustache
September 17, 2007 - Monday
Current mood: Cock-a-doodle-duuuuuuuude
Category: Cock-a-doodle-duuuuuuuude Blogging
It’s true. The moustache is the root of all evil. You can’t trust a guy with a crumb catcher on his face. Do people call them crumb catchers? Probably not. It doesn’t really make sense unless you eat cookies upside down. Anyway, the point is that moustaches are bad.
Now, I’m sure that some people will disagree with me here. You’ll be all like, “My dad has a moustache and he’s not evil.” Well, I’m sorry to have to be the one to break this to you but if your dad has a moustache, he is evil and must be stopped immediately. Trust me. Go through all his stuff and I guarantee you’ll find some evil shit. Skulls and potions and stuff.
I’m sure you prbably don’t want to kill your dad and that is understandable. While killing your dad is probably the best option to stopping evil moustaches from taking over the world, there are others. You can always chain him up in the basement or freeze him in Carbonite like Han Solo.
Hopefully, your dad doesn’t have a moustache and you don’t have to do anything to him. If he has a beard, he is probably ok. It’s just moustaches that make you evil. Remember, it’s not the person that is evil, it’s the moustache. It can happen to anybody (who can grow a moustache.) It’s a parasitic relationship. The moustache feeds off of nice things that people say and do, Then they take that energy and turn it into raw unadulterated evil. It’s sad. I’ve seen good men cross over to the evil moustache crew.
I guess if it’s the moustache that makes you evil the easiest alternative is just to shave it off. That’s better than killing you dad or freezing him in Carbonite. You could just shave his face while he is asleep. Best option, thus far. Sorry. I didn’t do as much research as I should have. I’m sorta just coming up with this as I go along.
The bigger and thicker the moustache is, the more evil the host will be. Like if you have one of those pencil thin John Waters moustaches you most likely are only a little bit evil. (For the record, John Waters is not evil at all. He is an exception to the rule.) But if you have a big old Wild West bushy moustache, watch out cuz you are evil as fuck.
Like John Waters, there are a few exceptions. Sometimes people need moustaches. Like if you reenact Civil War battles, you sort of need to have a moustache. Everyone was evil back then. That’s actually what the Civil War was all about. People will tell you it was about slavery and trade and and stuff but no. It was really about moustaches. Both sides had em too. The fight was over who’s moustaches were thicker and fuller and therefore lead to who was more evil. Clearly, the North eviled the hell out of the South. So, if you reenact Civil War battles it’s ok to have a moustache. It doesn’t make you evil, just realy nerdy and more than likely gay.
Speaking of gay; gay dudes with moustaches are ok too (like John Waters). Gay dudes know how to rock some style and some of them (though very few) can pull off a moustache.
I’m sure there are other exceptions too but I can’t think of any right now. Best bet, just kill people with moustaches. Less chance of letting somebody evil get away. Yeah yeah, killing is wrong but I’d like to hear you say that after a guy with a moustache chops off your head and eats your brains with one of those flat wooden spoons that they give you with those frozen chocoate malt thingies. I’m telling the tuth. Trust me.
Currently watching :
Passenger 57
Release date: 27 May, 1998