Matt Kelley is Great.com

ThrillhouseE: I have a secret
Haymarket9: what’s your secret?
ThrillhouseE: David Lee Roth
Haymarket9: He’s not a secret. He belongs to the world.
ThrillhouseE: A gift from God if you will
Haymarket9: I will.
ThrillhouseE: Really?
ThrillhouseE: What about Hagar?
Haymarket9: He’s no Diamond Dave.
ThrillhouseE: Well, thats not really the secret anyway
ThrillhouseE: I just needed to make sure I could trust you
Haymarket9: Is Sammy Hagar the secret?
ThrillhouseE: Nope
ThrillhouseE: Everybody knows about Sammy Hagar
Haymarket9: How about Quiet Riot?
ThrillhouseE: Nope
ThrillhouseE: They aren’t so much of a secret as they are an enigma
Haymarket9: should I keep guessing, or are you going to tell me the secret?
ThrillhouseE: I’ll tell you the secret
ThrillhouseE: One time
ThrillhouseE: I was in the bathroom
ThrillhouseE: and I dropped a juicy turd in the toilet
ThrillhouseE: but instead of flushing it
ThrillhouseE: I took it out into the backyard
ThrillhouseE: and mashed it up with a comb
Haymarket9: did you plant a turd tree?
ThrillhouseE: No
ThrillhouseE: Thats ridiculous
Haymarket9: was it your comb?
ThrillhouseE: no
ThrillhouseE: It was my grandmas
Haymarket9: did she use it afterwards?
ThrillhouseE: yeah
Haymarket9: did you at least rinse it off?
ThrillhouseE: a little bit
Haymarket9: that was thoughtful of you
ThrillhouseE: i just got the big chunks out
Haymarket9: that’s important
ThrillhouseE: but i left it sort of dirty on purpose
ThrillhouseE: cuz I was mad at her
Haymarket9: what were you mad about?
ThrillhouseE: She wouldn’t let me watch Road Rules
Haymarket9: Maybe she just has good taste
ThrillhouseE: No way
ThrillhouseE: that chick on there is hot
Haymarket9: I don’t watch it, so I don’t know who you’re talking about
ThrillhouseE: All she ever watches is MASH
Haymarket9: MASH sucks
Haymarket9: and it’s always sucked.
Haymarket9: and it will forever suck.
ThrillhouseE: for sure
ThrillhouseE: well, it can’t really get any better
ThrillhouseE: its been cancelled for 20 years
Haymarket9: I mean, unless they made a time machine and went back and changed MASH, you can’t un-suck something.
Haymarket9: exactly. That’s what I’m trying to say.
ThrillhouseE: Then we agree
ThrillhouseE: So, should I tell my grandma about the comb?
Haymarket9: how long ago was it?
ThrillhouseE: 5 weeks
Haymarket9: better give it some more time.
Haymarket9: I mean, why would you tell her anyway? what good could come of that?
ThrillhouseE: yeah
ThrillhouseE: I need to give it some more time to think
ThrillhouseE: She’s such a bitch, though
ThrillhouseE: You know what she gave me for my birthday?
Haymarket9: what did she give you for your birthday?
ThrillhouseE: a hug
ThrillhouseE: a fucking hug
ThrillhouseE: and $200
Haymarket9: you could always get your revenge in a different way, though
ThrillhouseE: i could be in her closet
ThrillhouseE: yeah
ThrillhouseE: thats a good idea
Haymarket9: I think so.
Haymarket9: It sounds like a good hiding spot.
ThrillhouseE: then when she goes to get dressed in the morning ill jump out and scare her!
Haymarket9: you get to watch
ThrillhouseE: no, shes not very attractive
ThrillhouseE: now, my sister
ThrillhouseE: thats a different story
Haymarket9: you could jump out and scare your sister instead
ThrillhouseE: yeah
ThrillhouseE: Ill make a day of it
ThrillhouseE: and i’ll kiss her
ThrillhouseE: right on the lips
Haymarket9: sounds like a plan
ThrillhouseE: what if i jumped out of a closest and kissed YOU
ThrillhouseE: would you like that?
Haymarket9: That depends on who the hell you are, because I have no idea.
ThrillhouseE: well, what if I was dressed up like Catwoman?
Haymarket9: oh, in that case, yes.
Haymarket9: wait, which catwoman?
Haymarket9: that scary lady with all the plastic surgery?
ThrillhouseE: No, the Michelle Pfiefer Catwoman
Haymarket9: should I dress like Batman?
ThrillhouseE: Yes.
ThrillhouseE: You should always dress like Batman
ThrillhouseE: Nasty Batman
Haymarket9: Is that different from regular Batman?
ThrillhouseE: Yeah.
Haymarket9: is Nasty Batman the one that has the nipples built into his armor?
ThrillhouseE: Yes. And his utility belt is full of dildoes and sex jellies
ThrillhouseE: And he has a pet snake
Haymarket9: what is the snake’s name?
ThrillhouseE: Gary Sinise
Haymarket9: not my first choice, but a good name for the snake
ThrillhouseE: Were you gonna say Alfred?
Haymarket9: no, I was thinking Robin
ThrillhouseE: A likely story
Haymarket9: it’s really not all that likely
ThrillhouseE: you know, I think I’d rather dress like the Eartha Kitt Catwoman
ThrillhouseE: Is that okay?
Haymarket9: that’s fine with me, I’m not picky.
ThrillhouseE: Sweet
ThrillhouseE: I’m looking forward to next wednesday.
Haymarket9: what happens next wednesday?
ThrillhouseE: I’m gonna jump out of closets
ThrillhouseE: and kiss people
ThrillhouseE: i might as well kiss grandma too
ThrillhouseE: i feel kinda bad about the comb thing
Haymarket9: why wait til wednesday?
ThrillhouseE: I have plans until then
Haymarket9: what are your plans?
ThrillhouseE: Friday–Dungeons and Dragons
ThrillhouseE: Saturday–Mudvayne Concert
ThrillhouseE: Sunday–Renting all of the Friday the 13th movies
ThrillhouseE: Monday–Shopping for Catwoman costume
ThrillhouseE: Tuesday–Trading Spaces Marathon
Haymarket9: I don’t think you’re really going to see Mudvayne.
ThrillhouseE: uh, yeah, I am
Haymarket9: I think that part was a dirty lie.
Haymarket9: in fact, I think you’re a dirty liar.
Haymarket9: well, maybe not dirty.
Haymarket9: and not so much a liar.
ThrillhouseE: I think you are a gun
Haymarket9: I am. How did you know?
ThrillhouseE: I read your journal
Haymarket9: which one?
ThrillhouseE: the one that says “tales from the gun” on it
Haymarket9: are you sure that’s me? It doesn’t sound familiar.
ThrillhouseE: you probably just don’t remember
Haymarket9: could be.
ThrillhouseE: I am not a liar
Haymarket9: So, who are you?
ThrillhouseE: Mark Brush
Haymarket9: Mark Brush who?
ThrillhouseE: Mark Brush, the customer service representative
Haymarket9: where are you from?
ThrillhouseE: Wisconsin
ThrillhouseE: But I was born in Texas
Haymarket9: do we know each other?
ThrillhouseE: Maybe
ThrillhouseE: Who are you?
Haymarket9: I’m Mark Brush, customer service representative
Haymarket9: this has just been delving into your inner psyche.
ThrillhouseE: Nuh-uh
ThrillhouseE: trippy
Haymarket9: isn’t it? I’m your innermost thoughts and feelings.
ThrillhouseE: thats not your real name
Haymarket9: then what’s my real name, Mr or Mrs Smarty-Pants?
ThrillhouseE: this is Patrick Guffnaw
ThrillhouseE: From Apples, Tennesee
Haymarket9: I’m from Apples, Tennesee, but I’m not Patrick Guffnaw
ThrillhouseE: Sarah Guffnaw?
Haymarket9: I’m a boy.
ThrillhouseE: Chad Guffnaw?
Haymarket9: Just kidding. I’m Sarah Guffnaw.
ThrillhouseE: I knew it!
Haymarket9: you’re obviously smart.
ThrillhouseE: I love you Sarah!
ThrillhouseE: I wanna have like, all of your babies!
Haymarket9: you know that’s impossible
ThrillhouseE: i don’t care
ThrillhouseE: i don’t care about Cadbury
ThrillhouseE: leave him!
ThrillhouseE: come away with me!
Haymarket9: but what about his Creme Eggs and Fruit and Nut bars?
ThrillhouseE: Baby, I got a creamy chocolate bar for you right here!
ThrillhouseE: <<<<——-points to crotch
Haymarket9: that’s a really unpleasant visual
Haymarket9: I think.
Haymarket9: since I have no idea who Mark Brush is.
Haymarket9: so am I just some random person you IMed or what?
Haymarket9: or do we actually know each other?
ThrillhouseE: You are Sarah
ThrillhouseE: I am Mark
ThrillhouseE: We are in love
Haymarket9: I’m not actually Sarah. I’m a damn dirty liar.
ThrillhouseE: I’m gonna go ahead and ignore that last comment
ThrillhouseE: Sarah
ThrillhouseE: I dress like Catwoman
ThrillhouseE: You dress like Nasty Batman
This converstaion actually goes on for about four more pages, but I thought i’d cut it here.