“Medicine”
“MEDICINE”
Matt Kelley
09/04/06 2nd Draft
CAST
DOC, 30’s
BARBARA, 30’s
(DOC and BARBARA are entering the Emergency Room)
BARBARA
I’m so sorry to interrupt your lunch, doctor, but you are the only one who can help this patient.
DOC
That’s alright Barbara. What is the patient’s status?
BARBARA
Six broken ribs. Punctured right lung. Massive trauma to the occipital cranium. It doesn’t look good.
DOC
What happened?
BARBARA
Head on collision with an SUV. Neither driver was wearing a seatbelt.
DOC
Where’s the other driver?
BARBARA
He died on the way here.
DOC
Ok, we’re going to have to insert a breathing tube. We need to take some stress off of that lung. Lets open him up.
BARBARA
Yes Doctor.
(DOC and BARBARA open patient.)
DOC
Jesus, it’s a mess in there.
BARBARA
Shall I sanitize the instruments?
DOC
There’s no time. I need 90 cc’s of chicken broth stat!
BARBARA
Chicken broth?
DOC
Yes chicken broth! Didn’t your mother ever give you chicken soup when you were sick?
BARBARA
Sure. But this man is not sick. He’s bleeding internally.
(DOC slaps BARBARA)
DOC
Damn it Barbara, you stupid bitch. I’m not going to lose this one.
BARBARA
I’m sorry doctor, but this hospital isn’t equipped with those types of materials.
DOC
Damn it! How does this place function without proper medical materials? Ok, I need you to get my lunchbox out of that bag over there. There’s a thermos inside. Bring it to me.
BARBARA
Yes Doctor.
(BARB gets thermos)
DOC
Ok. (sigh) The sacrifices I make.
(DOC begins to pour soup into patient.)
DOC
Easy. Easy.
BARBARA
It’s not working. The body is rejecting the soup.
DOC
More noodles! I need more noodles!
(BARBARA gives up the noodles)
BARBARA
Pulse is dropping!
DOC
Come on! Stay with me!
BARBARA
What are we going to do?
DOC
We’re going to need more powerful medicine.
BARBARA
Thorazine coming up.
DOC
No drugs. We need the most powerful medicine. Laughter. Grab that polka-dot bag over there.
BARBARA
Yes Doctor.
(BARBARA grabs the polka-dot bag)
DOC
Rainbow wig.
BARBARA
Rainbow wig.
(BARBARA hands DOCTOR the wig)
DOC
Clown nose.
BARBARA
Clown nose.
(BARBARA hands DOCTOR clown nose)
DOC
Whoopee cushion.
BARBARA
Whoopee cushion.
(BARBARA hands DOCTOR whoopee cushion. Patient flatlines)
BARBARA
We’re losing him!
DOC
Ok. Here goes. Clear!
(DOCTOR dances around and makes fart noise)
BARBARA
It’s not working!
DOC
Clear!
(DOCTOR dances around and makes fart noise)
BARBARA
I think we need to call it, Doctor.
DOC
Not on my watch.
(DOCTOR dances around and makes fart noise. Patient comes back)
BARBARA
He’s stabilizing! Blood pressure returning to normal. You’ve done it, Doctor!
DOC
I’m just doing my job.
BARBARA
I can’t believe it!
DOC
Don’t get too excited. The rest is up to God.
BARBARA
Thank you, Doctor. I’ll get him to post op right away.
DOC
That won’t be necessary.
BARBARA
What needs to be done?
DOC
What he needs is time.
BARBARA
Should I just leave him here?
DOC
No. Take my watch. Hit him in the face with this every twenty minutes ad see if you can’t get his mommy in here to kiss these boo boo’s.
BARBARA
Yes Doctor.