Matt Kelley is Great.com

August 29, 2007 - Wednesday

Current mood: Rubbery
Category: Rubbery Blogging

This Friday I will be attending the opera. I will be escorting a large pitbull. I don’t really like the opera but the large pitbull really wants to go. I didn’t think large pitbulls were really the types of characters that attend operas but I guess this large pitbull goes to them all the time.

I had to call ahead to the opera house. You know, to let them know that I would be escorting a large pitbull. Appearantly, most opera houses don’t allow large pitbulls. I guess they are afraid that the pitbulls will bark loudly during the performance or jump up on the stage and pee or something. I assured the opera house manager that the large pitbull I will be escorting is very well behaved.

The hard part was finding a tuxedo made for a large pitbull. If it were a smaller dog like a chihuahua or a lhasa apso it would have been much easier. They make all kinds of silly clothes for those foo foo dogs. Like I said before, pitbulls rarely attend operas and consequently don’t often have a need for a tuxedo. I found one eventually but it wasn’t easy.

I’ve escorted dogs to many other places before; the park, the vet, outside in general but never an opera. The large pitbull is very excited about our date. I however, am not so excited. I don’t really like the opera. Plus, tickets are pretty expensive. The large pitbull promises that he will pay me back for the tickets but as far as I know he doesn’t even have a job. I guess it doesn’t really matter. I owe the large pitbull a favor.

A few years ago, I was on African Safari with my mom and some of her friends from the country club. Our caravan got stuck in some mud and we were surrounded by hungry lions. I don’t know where he came from but just as the lions were about to eat us, the large pitbull appeared with a bag full of gruit roll-ups. We all had a good laugh. The lions decided not to eat us. Turns out lions really like fruit roll-ups.

The opera we’re seeing is Italian. That kind of sucks because I don’t speak Italian at all. I know a little Spanish and I guess that’s pretty close but still I don’t think I know enough Spanish to understand an entire opera written in Italian. I’ll probably be leaning over a lot to the large pitbull to ask him to explain what is going on. I’m pretty sure he speaks Italian or at least understands it.

I just can’t wait to get it over with. I know the large pitbull saved me and my mom and her friends from the country club from getting eaten by lions but once this Friday is over I’m done with large pitbulls all together. I like dogs, but this large pitbull is always borrowing my stuff and leaving my cabinets open. Last Wednesday the large pitbull came over and drank all my Gatorade. Then he put the empty bottle back in the refridgerator. What a jerk!

After this Wednesday, I’m washing my hands of this particular large pitbull for good. I don’t want to say all pitbulls as not to seem dog racist. I feel that dog racism is a growing problem in society today and I’m doing my best to avoid becoming a part of it. I must admit though, this large pitbull is making that task quite difficult.

Two weeks ago, this large pitbull brought over a bunch of his friends to play poker. I had a quiet night of reading planned and then out of nowhere 6 large pitbulls just stop by to play poker until two in the morning. I lost forty bucks too. I can’t wait for Friday to be over.

Currently watching :
Shrink Your Female Fat Zones
Release date: 19 August, 2003