Hey Kids, Don’t Smoke (As Much As I Do)
September 12, 2007 - Wednesday
Current mood: deadly
Category: deadly Blogging
Hey Kids. It’s your pal Matt Kelley here with an important message about smoking. There’s a lot of rumors out there about smoking and I’m here to set the record straight.
Kids, you shouldn’t smoke as many cigarettes as me. There are a few reasons for this but most importantly, as I found out this week, if you smoke like a bastard as I do you will get the laid the fuck out when you catch a cold. The past three days all I’ve been able to do is lay in bed and not smoke. It totally sucks. Everytime I cough I feel like I’m going to die. Now this may just be a personal preference of mine but I prefer feeling alive rather than on the verge of death.
Now, I’m not condemning cigarettes altogether. They definately have their benefits. First off, they totally do make you look cool. Probably a lot cooler than you actually are. Without cigarettes, the marlboro man is just another asshole cowboy and Joe Camel is just some dumb camel in a tuxedo sweating his ass off in the desert. Second, you get way more breaks at work if you smoke cigarettes. Waiters and waitresses help me out here. If you work at a job where everybody except you smokes, you will end up working way harder than anybody else there. Guaranteed. Reason three: coffee and cigarettes. Coffee and cigarettes is almost extinct now but you if you get these two things and one other person, you are almost always guaranteed one of the best conversations you will ever have. And what are you supposed to do after sex kids? Blow bubbles? You gotta smoke after sex. That’s what they do in the movies. Movies wouldn’t lie to you (I would).
So here’s what you kids gotta do and it pains me to say it. (Deep breath followed by a series of coughs) You have to use moderation. Smoke when you need to look cool in front of that special somebody and then after you bang them, have another smoke. Coming from somebody who deals almost exclusively in extremes this is not an easy thing to say. The old me would say smoke until you die and that’s probably what i’ll end up doing but it’s definately not a good idea. I’ll probably get cancer and die. Maybe that doesn’t sound so bad. Maybe some of you kids like cancer. I don’t know. Cancer doesn’t sound so fun to me, but neither does quitting smoking. We’ll see what happens.
On a related note kids, this blog is specifically about smoking cigarettes. As far as pot goes, you should smoke as much of that stuff as you can get you hands on. Just make sure it doesn’t make you lazy. It sometimes has a knack for that. Anyway, see you all in hell, kids.
-MK
Currently watching :
Reba - Season 3
Release date: 25 April, 2006