“Guilt And Cookies”
This scene was used in “Holding Out For A Decent Hero” March-May 2007
Guilt and Cookies
Matt Kelley
2/6/06
CAST
TERRY, 30’s
HELEN, 30’s
OFFICER JANSEN, 40’s
(HELEN stands in the living room. TERRY ENTERS. He is covered with blood)
TERRY
Oh my God, Helen! Oh my God!
HELEN
What happened to you?
TERRY
He came out of nowhere. I never saw him coming.
HELEN
Saw who coming?
TERRY
It was an accident. I swear I didn’t mean to.
HELEN
Honey, sit down. Just tell me what happened.
(TERRY SITS)
TERRY
I was driving home from work and it was dark and it was raining and I was eating a taco. All of a sudden, I saw a flash of blue fur and WHAM! I got of the car to see what happened and I looked down and I saw him. I hit Cookie Monster.
(HELEN gasps)
HELEN
Cookie Monster? You hit Cookie Monster?
TERRY
Yeah.
HELEN
Well is he dead?
TERRY
I don’t know.
HELEN
What do you mean you don’t know?
TERRY
I panicked. I took off.
HELEN
So you left him there in the rain? Dying?
TERRY
What was I supposed to do?
(The CRUNCHING OF COOKIES is heard in the background)
TERRY
Did you hear that?
HELEN
What?
TERRY
It sounded like cookies.
(PAUSE)
HELEN
Terry, we have to call the police.
TERRY
Helen, I can’t go to jail. You know what they do to guys like me in jail? Buttrape, Helen. I can’t get buttraped in jail.
HELEN
Maybe he was ok. I mean, I’ve never met Cookie Monster before, but he seems reasonable. Did he look like he could have been ok?
TERRY
Oh, I don’t know. There was a lot of blood. He might have been breathing, but I’m not sure.
HELEN
Think Terry. Think really hard. Did he say anything?
TERRY
Yes. He did say something.
HELEN
What did he say?
TERRY
Tell my wife I love. . . cookies.
(COOKIES CRUNCHING)
TERRY
There it was again.
HELEN
There what was again?
TERRY
The cookies. Listen.
(There is a KNOCK at the DOOR)
TERRY
Who is it?
(HELEN looks out the window)
HELEN
It’s the police.
TERRY
The police? Oh my God, Helen, I’m going to jail.
HELEN
Terry, it’ll be ok. We don’t know anything yet.
TERRY
No, I know it. I deserve it too. I’m going to die alone in a cold wet jail cell. Just like I let Cookie Monster die.
HELEN
Just play it cool. I’m not going to let them take you to jail. Just tell him you were home with me all afternoon.
TERRY
Helen. I’m scared.
HELEN
Everything is going to be ok.
(HELEN opens the DOOR)
DETECTIVE JANSEN
Good evening Mrs. Kellogg, I’m Detective Jansen. I’m afraid I have some alarming news.
HELEN
Oh dear. Honey, there’s a detective here.
TERRY
What’s the problem officer?
DETECTIVE JANSEN
There’s been a hit and run on Maple Street. Cookie Monster was hit by a car tonight.
TERRY
Oh no. Not Cookie Monster. Is he okay?
DETECTIVE JANSEN
Yes. Cookie Monster. He’s in critical condition at Belmont Pines.
TERRY
That’s terrible.
DETECTIVE JANSEN
Mr. Kellogg, do you mind if I ask you and your wife a few questions?
TERRY
No, not at all.
(COOKIES CRUNCHING)
TERRY
What sort of questions did you want to ask?
DETECTIVE JANSEN
Well, let’s start with the obvious. Why are you covered in blood?
(COOKIES CRUNCHING)
TERRY
This blood? Oh, uh, it’s mine. Yeah, definitely my blood. I cut myself shaving.
DETECTIVE JANSEN
I see. And is that your white Ford Tempo with the dented fender?
(COOKIES CRUNCHING)
TERRY
Yes.
DETECTIVE JANSEN
And where were you at approximately 6:22pm this evening?
(COOKIES CRUNCHING)
HELEN
He was with me. We were shucking corn.
DETECTIVE JANSEN
Is that true Mr. Kellogg?
(COOKIES CRUNCHING)
TERRY
Yes, officer. That’s the truth.
(COOKIES CRUNCHING)
DETECTIVE JANSEN
Well, your story seems to check out. Guess I’m be on my. . .
(COOKIES CRUNCHING)
TERRY
Must you persist with that incessant crunching!!!?
DETECTIVE JANSEN
I’m sorry?
TERRY
I did it! I killed the Cookie Monster!!!! I can’t live with it any longer!!!!!
DETECTIVE JANSEN
Really? Wow. I didn’t expect you at all. Well, come on. I guess you’re going to jail now.
(DETECTIVE JANSEN and TERRY EXIT)