“Grandma”
(A man stands on stage dressed in black. People walk up to him to give him condolences)
KARL
Thank you, thank you.
(An old woman approaches)
GRANDMA
Oh, Karl. I am so sorry.
KARL
Thank you, Grandma. Thanks for coming.
GRANDMA
I always liked Carol. She was a lovely woman. It’s always such a shame to see someone so young.
KARL
Well, she’s in a better place now.
GRANDMA
Yes. Yes she is.
(SILENCE)
GRANDMA
Would you like me to give you a handjob, dear?
KARL (Dumbfounded)
What?
GRANDMA (louder)
A hand job, dearie. Would you like me to give you one?
KARL
Shhhhh. Grandma I don’t think you know what you are saying.
GRANDMA
What do you think I’m saying?
KARL
This really isn’t the time.
(SILENCE)
GRANDMA (even louder)
I said HANDJOB.
(People stare)
KARL
Grandma, I heard you fine. I just think you mean something else.
GRANDMA
Oh now Karl, don’t be silly. Before your grandfather passed away, whenever he was upset about something, I would give him a handjob.
KARL
Grandma, please.
(More people come up to give condolences)
GRANDMA
He’d have a tough day at the mill, or trouble with bills and I’d give him a couple of yanks and he was a new man.
KARL
Grandma! Can we please change the subject?
(SILENCE)
GRANDMA
It’ll be a great handjob.
KARL
Grandma, no! I do not want a handjob!
(AWKWARD SILENCE IN ROOM TUNS INTO LESS UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE)
GRANDMA
Oh, I see. You don’t want a handjob from me because I’m too old.
KARL
No, Grandma.
GRANDMA (sobbing)
Oh, no. Forget it. The elderly are of no use to society anymore. You might as well just bury me next to Carol here, for all that I’m worth.
KARL
Grandma.
GRANDMA
You know, I wasn’t always old. I used to be young and wild. I’d take ‘em 4, 5 at a time. I would. Double fistin’
KARL
Grandma, please. It’s not that you’re too old.
GRANDMA
Is it my ass?
KARL
No, Grandma. I just don’t feel comfortable getting a handjob from my Grandmother at my wife’s funeral.
GRANDMA
Why not? It’s not like we’re dating. I’ll just take you out in the alley and after a couple quick pumps we’ll come right back. You’ll feel better.
KARL
No.
GRANDMA
Ok. I guess you’re a big boy now. Don’t need you’re old grandma anymore.
KARL
Thank you.
(SILENCE)
GRANDMA
Well, I guess I should be getting back to the retirement home. Get back to the bridge club, where my skills are appreciated.
(GRANDMA starts to leave.)
KARL
Grandma wait.
(KARL grabs GRANDMA)
KARL
If you want to make me feel better, maybe one of your famous pecan pies could help me out a little bit.
GRANDMA
With the whipped cream?
KARL
Yeah. With the whipped cream.
GRANDMA
Ok, I’ll stop by tomorrow with a fresh pecan pie.
KARL
That sounds good. See you tomorrow.
GRANDMA
And while you’re eating it, I’ll suck your cock.