“Gin and Prune Juice”
“Gin and Prune Juice”
Matt Kelley
CAST
GLADYS, 60’s
RUTH, 60’s
MARGIE, 60’s
(GLADYS ENTERS. RUTH and MARGIE are sitting at a table playing gin rummy.)
GLADYS
Sorry I’m late girls. I had to drop the grandkids off at the pool.
MARGIE
Oh, don’t you worry about it, dearie. We were just getting started. Do you want something to drink?
GLADYS
Oh, I’d love a 40 of King Cobra if it’s not too much trouble.
MARGIE
Ruth?
RUTH
I’m still workin on this one? Can you bring out some peanut brittle?
GLADYS
Ohh, the doctor says I can’t eat nuts.
MARGIE
I’m sorry to hear about that, Gladys. I think I have some hard candy I can bring out.
(MARGIE EXITS)
GLADYS
Golly, I tell you, Ruth. You would not believe the day that I’m having. I went to the grocery store today, and the man there tried to charge me $1.29 for a peach.
RUTH
$1.29?
GLADYS
Can you believe it?
RUTH
What did you do?
GLADYS
Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I said, “Mister. I will not pay that much for a peach.” And then I bitch slapped him.
RUTH
Good for you, dearie. I would have done the same thing.
(MARGIE ENTERS with 40oz of King Cobra. She gives it to GLADYS. MARGIE then sits at the table and begins to shuffle the cards. GLADYS sips the 40 oz)
GLADYS
Mhmmmmm. That shit’s the bomb.
MARGIE
Isn’t it? Call me old-fashioned, but I got the Olde English last week and it just tasted too sweet to me. It seems like I’m always going back to the King Cobra.
(MARGIE begins to deal cards. The girls begin to play.)
GLADYS
How is your grandson doing, Margie?
MARGIE
He’s good. Baseball season is starting up again soon. He wants to play second base.
RUTH
I don’t means to be a gossip, but that grandson of yours pinched my weed sack last week.
MARGIE
He did?
RUTH
Yes, sir. I give him 60 dollars for an eighth and it only weighed two grams.
MARGIE
Well, I guess I’ll have to have a chat with him now won’t I?
RUTH
I should hope so. I wouldn’t want to have to smoke that bitch ass fool.
GLADYS
Speaking of bitch ass fools, I missed the lotto numbers by just two this week.
MARGIE
I swear those machines are rigged. They know what numbers are going to come up. I’m going to play this ace on yours right here and I’ve got rummy.
GLADYS
Wait just a gosh-darn second here. There are five aces on the table.
RUTH
Gladys, I think this bitch is trying to cheat us here.
MARGIE
Excuse me Ruth, but who are you calling a bitch, ho?
RUTH
Hold on. Let me put my teeth in, dear.
(RUTH puts her teeth in her mouth)
RUTH
I called you a bitch, bitch.
MARGIE
Oh no. I don’t believe you did. I like for you to please say that to my blade.
(MARGIE pulls out a knife)
RUTH
Well, that won’t be a problem as long as you don’t mind talking to my gatt.
(RUTH pulls out a gun)
GLADYS
Now, hold on ladies. I’m sure this is just a big misunderstanding, but I don’t trust either one of you motherfuckers.
(GLADYS points machine guns and MARGIE and RUTH)
MARGIE
Don’t do anything silly now Gladys.
GLADYS
The Parkinsons makes my trigger finger a little shaky, dear. I’d watch who I was calling a ho if I were you.
MARGIE
But I didn’t call you a ho, dear. It was Ruth that I called a ho.
GLADYS
What?
MARGIE
A ho, dear. I didn’t call you a ho. I was talking to Ruth.
RUTH
That’s right. You don’t need to get involved. This is between me and the bitch ass cheater.
GLADYS
Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were talking to me. My hearings not so good anymore either.
MARGIE
That’s ok dear.
(GLADYS puts down her guns)
RUTH
Now Margie, honey. Are you going to admit that you cheated or do I need to make you another colostomy hole?
MARGIE
Oh, Ruth. You don’t have the teabags to pull that trigger. I’d bet my best wig on it.
RUTH
You want to try me, grandma?
GLADYS
Girls. Girls. Look, there are two decks mixed up here. It was an honest mistake.
(MARGIE and RUTH put down their guns)
MARGIE
Well would you look at that?
RUTH
I am so sorry, Margie. It’s just first your grandson pinches my weed sack and now I just thought. . .
MARGIE
Oh, don’t worry about it dear. Accidents happen.
(GLADYS spills her 40oz)
GLADYS
Ooops. Spilled my 40.
MARGIE
What?
(MARGIE and RUTH point guns at GLADYS)
GLADYS
Wait. Girls.
MARGIE
Sorry, Gladys. You know the rules.
(MARGIE and RUTH shoot GLADYS)
RUTH
Aww, your tablecloth is ruined.
MARGIE
Oh, that’s ok. Now maybe I can get George to buy me a new one. Do you want a piece of sodabread?
RUTH
That sounds lovely.