“Fairy Godmuthas”
This scene was used in the show “Mantabulous” January-March 2007
“Fairy Godmuthas”
Matt Kelley
12/16/06
CAST
NIMBELINA, 60’s
MELINDA, 60’s
CINDY, 10’s
HECTOR, 20’s
(CINDY is riding around on NIMBELINA’s back. SHELINDA is not far behind them.)
CINDY
Faster, pony! Go faster.
NIMBELINA
Cindy, dear, pony is tired. Isn’t there another game we can play?
CINDY
I wanna play pony.
SHELINDA
But dear child, fairy godmother Nimbelina is tired. Surely, there is some other, much less strenuous game we could play.
CINDY
I said I wanna play pony, stupid. You’re the pony know.
(CINDY jumps onto SHELINDA’s back. SHELINDA protests.)
SHELINDA
Here. Have some candy.
(SHELINDA takes candy from her pocket and throws it across the stage. CINDY chases after it.)
NIMBELINA
Fairy godmother Shelinda, I just don’t know what to do with her. The girl is too much.
SHELINDA
I know, Nimbelina. I have never seen such a wicked beast of a child before in all of my days as a fairy godmother and I was fairy godmother to Bill O’Reilly and Carrot Top.
(CINDY returns)
CINDY
Look Nimbelina and Shelinda! I started a fire!
NIMBELINA and SHELINDA
Help us!
(HECTOR ENTERS)
HECTOR
Whoa. Either one of you crusty old broads got a smoke? I’m dying over here.
CINDY
Who the hell are you, dorkus?
HECTOR
I’m your fairy godmother, Hector. It seems like your other fairy godmothers over here need a little help keeping you under control. I’m here to help.
CINDY
You think you can control me? Well, you can’t. I’m the boss around here and you can’t…
(HECTOR zaps CINDY with tazer.)
HECTOR
Shut up you little brat!
NIMBELINA
Mr. Hector! A fairy godmother must never strike a child!
HECTOR
Did hear how the little weasel was mouthing off to me? What else am I gonna do? To tell you the truth. I could really give a rat’s ass who wins Fairy Princess of the year. I hope it ain’t me.
SHELINDA
Fairy Godmother.
HECTOR
What?
SHELINDA
It’s Fairy Godmother of the year. Not Fairy Princess.
HECTOR
Like I said. I don’t give a shit.
NIMBELINA
Mr. Hector. May I ask why you decided to become a Fairy Godmother, if you loathe it so much.
HECTOR
I thought that they gave you a gun. Turns out I was wrong. But that’s okay. I got my own now.
(HECTOR pulls out his gun. CINDY begins to cry.)
SHELINDA
Oh, dear. Please put that thing away. Guns are dangerous.
HECTOR
What? It’s not loaded see.
(HECTOR points the gun to his head and pulls the trigger)
HECTOR
See? You old fairy chicks really are a bunch of pansies.
NIMBELINA
Ummm, what did you do before you became a fairy godmother, Hector?
HECTOR
Well, I used to work for the city building bridges, but then I got caught for banging the boss’s wife. So, I sold weed for awhile. Did odd jobs. A little B &E.
SHELINDA
B&E?
HECTOR
Breaking and entering.
NIMBELINA
That hardly seems like a very rewarding job.
HECTOR
You’re telling me. This one time, I was in this house lifting some old chick’s jewelry box and this old dude comes out of nowhere and cracks me with a baseball bat. So, I stabbed him in the neck and run like hell and then I find out that I didn’t get a jewelry box at all. It was her teeth. I got three broken ribs and all I got to show for it is some old lady dentures.
NIMBELINA
No, what I mean is, that doesn’t seem to be a good lesson to be teaching your fairy god children.
HECTOR
Look, bitch. I don’t tell you how to do you job, and I sure as hell don’t need any advice from you.
SHELINDA
You can’t talk to her like that. It’s against the fairy godmother code!
HECTOR
Yeah, yeah. I know all about the code. Seems like I can’t go two minutes without having somebody remind me about the god damn code.
CINDY
You said a cus word!
HECTOR
What? God damn is a cus word now? Jesus, I’m getting old.
(HECTOR zaps CINDY again.)
NIMBELINA
Well, than you should know better.
HECTOR
In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not really cut out for this fairy goodshoes or whatever gig, but I do my job and I do it well.
SHELINDA
It’s people like you who give fairy godmothers a bad name.
HECTOR
Excuse me?
SHELINDA
You heard me.
HECTOR
I’ll have you know old lady, that that little demon of a fairy god child hasn’t made a peep since I set things straight here.
NIMBELINA
That’s because you keep electrocuting her. She’ll be riding us around like cattle again as soon as you leave. She’s just scared. That’s all.
CINDY
Damn straight.
(HECTOR zaps CINDY again.)
HECTOR
I got four words for you broads that’ll fix all your problems from here on out.
SHELINDA
Oh yeah? What’s that?
HECTOR
Soap in a sock.
SHELINDA
Soap in a sock?
HECTOR
Yeah. Take a bar of soap, stuff it in a sock and beat her till she shuts her mouth. It hurts like a bitch, but it doesn’t leave marks.
CINDY
What? You can’t do that!
SHELINDA
Really?
HECTOR
I do it all the time. Fairy cops can’t do shit cuz there’s no evidence.
NIMBELINA
I must say, Hector, I’ve been a fairy godmother for a long time, and that is one of the greatest ideas I have ever heard.
SHELINDA
You know what Nimbelina? Screw the little weasel. Let’s go get some socks.
NIMBELINA
I’m with you. Thank you so much Hector.
HECTOR
Hey. Another day, another dollar.