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Here’s a scene I wrote for the show “Holding Out For A Decent Hero” March-May 2007

“A Day in the Lifeguard”
Matt Kelley
07/14/06

CAST
CHARLIE SAX, 40’s
MR. MARTIN, 50’s
FAT KID, 14

(CHARLIE SAX is passed out in a chair by the pool.)

CHARLIE SAX (VOICE OVER)
Some people get their kicks baking muffins or driving a school bus. Me? Let’s just say I’m the last line of defense between the people that make the rules and the scum that think the rules don’t apply to them. My name is Charlie Sax. I’m a lifeguard.

(MR. MARTIN ENTERS)

MR. MARTIN
Charlie.

CHARLIE SAX (VOICE OVER)
I guess you could say I was born into it. Mom was a lifeguard. Dad was a lifeguard. Some of the guys on the force will tell you that I’ve got a few screws loose or that I hit the bottle a little too hard, but that’s just part of the job.

MR. MARTIN
Charlie.

CHARLIE SAX (VOICE OVER)
You never know who you can trust in this washed out topsy-turvy town. Questions need answers. That’s what I do.

MR. MARTIN
Charlie Sax!

(CHARLIE SAX wakes up.)

CHARLIE SAX
What?! Patrick Swayze!

MR. MARTIN
Jesus Christ Charlie, wake up. Lifeguards can’t fall asleep on the job. I need to have a talk with you.

CHARLIE SAX
Talk is cheap, boss. What do you need?

(CHARLIE SAX lights a cigarette. MR. MARTIN puts it out.)

MR. MARTIN
Charlie, you’re fired. Plain and simple. People depend on you to guard their lives. It’s the name of the job.

CHARLIE SAX
It doesn’t matter how the job gets done. Long as people are safe.

MR. MARTIN
Well, that’s kind of the point, Charlie. People aren’t safe. A seven-year-old girl got her nose broken yesterday.

CHARLIE
She was running by the pool. Somebody has to stick up for the justice system around here.

MR. MARTIN
But you didn’t have to punch her.

(CHARLIE SAX takes a swig from his flask.)

CHARLIE SAX
This pool has a cancer…and I’m the cure.

(MR. MARTIN grabs the flask)

MR. MARTIN
What are you retarded? You can’t drink on the job either.

CHARLIE SAX
Look. Maybe I’m a little rough around the edges, but I’m the best thing that ever happened to this pool. How many murders have you had since I started working here? None.

MR. MARTIN
There’s never been a murder here. I opened this place 27 years ago and the only injuries we’ve ever had have happened during your shift.
CHARLIE SAX
Well, when you’ve guarding lives as long as I have, you’re bound to run into some trouble here and there.

MR. MARTIN
You’ve been here for four days and we’ve already had eleven incidents.

CHARLIE SAX
Yeah, but not twelve incidents.

MR. MARTIN
Frankly, one incident is too many. Now, I need you to pack up your things and go.

CHARLIE SAX
I suppose you’ll be wanting my badge and gun.

(CHARLIE SAX hands over his badge and gun.)

MR. MARTIN
See, Charlie. This is exactly what I’ve been talking about. Lifeguards, don’t carry badges and guns.

(FAT KID ENTERS. FAT KID is eating ice-cream.)

FAT KID
Do you guys know where the towels are?

(CHARLIE SAX grabs gun jumps on top of FAT KID.)

CHARLIE SAX
Get down! Get down on the god-damned ground!

FAT KID
What are you doing!? I’m just a kid!

MR. MARTIN
What the hell are you doing, Charlie? Get off of him! He’s just a fat kid!

CHARLIE SAX
He’s all doped up on the silly juice! Look at him! It’s all over his face!

MR. MARTIN
That’s ice cream you idiot.
(MR. MARTIN pulls CHARLIE SAX off of FAT KID. FAT KID begins to cry.)

FAT KID
What the hell is your problem?

MR. MARTIN
I’m sorry son. We’ll get you a new ice-cream.

FAT KID
I’m going to sue the pants off of you.

CHARLIE SAX
Go ahead and try it, dope nose.

(CHARLIE SAX tries to go after FAT KID but is held back by MR. MARTIN.)

MR. MARTIN
Shut up, you moron. Look kid. How about a free pass to the pool for the whole summer?

FAT KID
What about the arcade?

MR. MARTIN
Sure. Sure. Anything you want. Let’s just forget this whole thing ever happened.

FAT KID
I want him fired.

MR. MARTIN
No problem. I was firing him any way. Charlie, leave.

CHARLIE SAX
But I…

MR. MARTIN
Now!

(CHARLIE SAX begins to leave.)

FAT KID
That’s right. Get the hell out of here psycho. You can go attack 14-year-old boys somewhere else. I hope somebody attacks you for no good reason on your way h…
(A bag full of white powder falls out of FAT KID’s pocket.)

MR. MARTIN
What the hell is that?

FAT KID
Baking powder?

MR. MARTIN
Drugs. At my pool. You little son of a…

(CHARLIE SAX opens bag and tastes the powder.)

CHARLIE SAX
It’s pure.

FAT KID
It’s not mine. I swear.

(FAT KID tries to run, but is subdued by CHARLIE SAX.)

CHARLIE SAX
Tell it to the judge, doughboy.

MR. MARTIN
Good show, Charlie. You know, I think maybe there’s a place for you here after all. Take him away.

FAT KID
You can’t stop me! You haven’t seen the last of the fat kid!

(CHARLIE SAX begins to haul FAT KID away. Everyone freezes.)

CHARLIE SAX (VOICE OVER)
Some people say there’s no heroes left in the world. I say, they’re not looking hard enough.

(FAT KID begins to sneak away.)

MR. MARTIN
Charlie.

CHARLIE SAX (VOICE OVER)
I say there’s a hero inside all of us. All you have to do is dig for it.
MR. MARTIN
Charlie.

(FAT KID is gone.)

CHARLIE SAX (VOICE OVER)
My name is Charlie Sax. I’m a lifeguard. I guard lives.

MR. MARTIN
Charlie!

CHARLIE SAX
What?! Michael Bolton!

MR. MARTIN
He got away.

CHARLIE SAX
Right. Sorry.

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This scene was used in “Holding Out For A Decent Hero” March-May 2007

Guilt and Cookies
Matt Kelley
2/6/06

CAST
TERRY, 30’s
HELEN, 30’s
OFFICER JANSEN, 40’s

(HELEN stands in the living room. TERRY ENTERS. He is covered with blood)

TERRY
Oh my God, Helen! Oh my God!

HELEN
What happened to you?

TERRY
He came out of nowhere. I never saw him coming.

HELEN
Saw who coming?

TERRY
It was an accident. I swear I didn’t mean to.

HELEN
Honey, sit down. Just tell me what happened.

(TERRY SITS)

TERRY
I was driving home from work and it was dark and it was raining and I was eating a taco. All of a sudden, I saw a flash of blue fur and WHAM! I got of the car to see what happened and I looked down and I saw him. I hit Cookie Monster.

(HELEN gasps)

HELEN
Cookie Monster? You hit Cookie Monster?

TERRY
Yeah.

HELEN
Well is he dead?
TERRY
I don’t know.

HELEN
What do you mean you don’t know?

TERRY
I panicked. I took off.

HELEN
So you left him there in the rain? Dying?

TERRY
What was I supposed to do?

(The CRUNCHING OF COOKIES is heard in the background)

TERRY
Did you hear that?

HELEN
What?

TERRY
It sounded like cookies.

(PAUSE)

HELEN
Terry, we have to call the police.

TERRY
Helen, I can’t go to jail. You know what they do to guys like me in jail? Buttrape, Helen. I can’t get buttraped in jail.

HELEN
Maybe he was ok. I mean, I’ve never met Cookie Monster before, but he seems reasonable. Did he look like he could have been ok?

TERRY
Oh, I don’t know. There was a lot of blood. He might have been breathing, but I’m not sure.

HELEN
Think Terry. Think really hard. Did he say anything?

TERRY
Yes. He did say something.

HELEN
What did he say?

TERRY
Tell my wife I love. . . cookies.

(COOKIES CRUNCHING)

TERRY
There it was again.

HELEN
There what was again?

TERRY
The cookies. Listen.

(There is a KNOCK at the DOOR)

TERRY
Who is it?

(HELEN looks out the window)

HELEN
It’s the police.

TERRY
The police? Oh my God, Helen, I’m going to jail.

HELEN
Terry, it’ll be ok. We don’t know anything yet.

TERRY
No, I know it. I deserve it too. I’m going to die alone in a cold wet jail cell. Just like I let Cookie Monster die.

HELEN
Just play it cool. I’m not going to let them take you to jail. Just tell him you were home with me all afternoon.

TERRY
Helen. I’m scared.
HELEN
Everything is going to be ok.

(HELEN opens the DOOR)

DETECTIVE JANSEN
Good evening Mrs. Kellogg, I’m Detective Jansen. I’m afraid I have some alarming news.

HELEN
Oh dear. Honey, there’s a detective here.

TERRY
What’s the problem officer?

DETECTIVE JANSEN
There’s been a hit and run on Maple Street. Cookie Monster was hit by a car tonight.

TERRY
Oh no. Not Cookie Monster. Is he okay?

DETECTIVE JANSEN
Yes. Cookie Monster. He’s in critical condition at Belmont Pines.

TERRY
That’s terrible.

DETECTIVE JANSEN
Mr. Kellogg, do you mind if I ask you and your wife a few questions?

TERRY
No, not at all.

(COOKIES CRUNCHING)

TERRY
What sort of questions did you want to ask?

DETECTIVE JANSEN
Well, let’s start with the obvious. Why are you covered in blood?

(COOKIES CRUNCHING)

TERRY
This blood? Oh, uh, it’s mine. Yeah, definitely my blood. I cut myself shaving.

DETECTIVE JANSEN
I see. And is that your white Ford Tempo with the dented fender?

(COOKIES CRUNCHING)

TERRY
Yes.

DETECTIVE JANSEN
And where were you at approximately 6:22pm this evening?

(COOKIES CRUNCHING)

HELEN
He was with me. We were shucking corn.

DETECTIVE JANSEN
Is that true Mr. Kellogg?

(COOKIES CRUNCHING)

TERRY
Yes, officer. That’s the truth.

(COOKIES CRUNCHING)

DETECTIVE JANSEN
Well, your story seems to check out. Guess I’m be on my. . .

(COOKIES CRUNCHING)

TERRY
Must you persist with that incessant crunching!!!?

DETECTIVE JANSEN
I’m sorry?

TERRY
I did it! I killed the Cookie Monster!!!! I can’t live with it any longer!!!!!

DETECTIVE JANSEN
Really? Wow. I didn’t expect you at all. Well, come on. I guess you’re going to jail now.

(DETECTIVE JANSEN and TERRY EXIT)

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