Matt Kelley is Great.com

This scene is from “Mantabulous” Janurary-March 2007

“NUTSACK”
Matt Kelley
1/8/06 Version 4

CAST
CHARLIE, 33
JOE, 31
SCOTT, 33

(CHARLIE and JOE have just finished working on CHARLIE’s car. CHARLIE closes the hood.)

CHARLIE
Thanks for helping me out with the Carburetor, Joe. You wanna stick around for a brewski?

JOE
Nah, I gotta get home soon or the wife’s gonna kick my ass.

CHARLIE
Well alright, buddy. I’ll see you at work tomorrow.

JOE
Alright.

(CHARLIE reaches out to shake JOE’s hand. JOE taps CHARLIE’s nutsack and walks away.)

CHARLIE
Ahh. Whoa. Joe, you just grabbed my balls.

JOE
Yeah. So?

CHARLIE
Well, I’m flattered but, I don’t swing that way.

JOE
What the hell are you talking about? I ain’t no homo.

CHARLIE
Dude, you just pulled on my nutsack. How is that not gay?

JOE
What, like you never touched another dude’s goolies before.

CHARLIE
Uh, no actually. I haven’t.

JOE
You haven’t? Are you gay?

CHARLIE
No I’m not gay. How would me never touching another man’s junk make me gay?

JOE
I don’t know. Just seems weird is all. I mean, every guy does the sack tap every once in awhile.

CHARLIE
What? No they don’t. I’ve never done it.

JOE
Really? Hmmmmm.

CHARLIE
What do you mean hmmmm?

JOE
Nothing. Just seems weird to me. I don’t think I ever met a guy that never rang the bells before. You sure you ain’t gay?

CHARLIE
Yes, I’m sure. I’ve got a wife, two kids and a stack of Hustler magazines that date back to the mid-80’s. I’m not gay.

JOE
Ok. Ok. I believe you. I just can’t believe you’ve never heard of that before.

CHARLIE
No, I’ve never heard of snatching at another mans scrotum as a salutation. Never in my life.

JOE
Wow. I never would have thought of you that way, Charlie.

CHARLIE
What do you mean? What way?

JOE
I don’t know. You don’t do the jollie-jingle, you kind of seem like less of a man to me.

CHARLIE
That’s ridiculous. You’re making way too big of a deal out of this.

JOE
Ok. Well, if it’s no big deal, why don’t you give the boys a ring down there.

(JOE motions to his nuts.)

CHARLIE
No way! I have no desire to touch your balls.

JOE
What we’re not friends anymore?

CHARLIE
Of course we’re still friends. I just don’t feel right.

(SCOTT ENTERS)

SCOTT
Hey guys. What’s going on?

CHARILE
Hey Scott.

JOE
What’s up, Scott?

(JOE and SCOTT tap each others nuts.)

JOE
See dude. Everybody does it.

SCOTT
Everybody does what?

JOE
You know, the ball tapping thing.

SCOTT
You’ve never heard of that before? What are you, gay?

CHARLIE
No, I’m not gay!

SCOTT
Hey Joe, you coming over to watch the game tomorrow?

JOE
Fuck yeah, dude.

(JOE and SCOTT high five each other and then lick each others nipples.)

CHARLIE
Whoa! What the fuck was that?

SCOTT
Dude. Don’t tell me you never licked your friend’s nips before. Man, you ARE a fag.

CHARLIE
Ok, fine. You want me to prove I’m not gay. Go ahead. Grab my coin–purse. Right now. Both of you.

SCOTT
I don’t know man. I don’t really feel that close to you.

CHARLIE
We were in Operation Iraqi Freedom together. What do you mean you don’t feel close to me?

JOE
Charlie, really it’s no big deal.

CHARLIE
My ass, it’s no big deal. I want both of you to touch my coin-purse right now!

JOE
I know if that’s a good idea, Charlie. I think you might be playin for the pink team and I don’t wanna lead you on.

CHARLIE
You said it wasn’t gay.

SCOTT
Yeah, if you feel close to that person. If not, it’s totally gay.

CHARLIE
Fine. You want me to lick your nipples?

JOE
Ugh. No. Get away from me.

CHARLIE
I don’t believe you guys. I can’t believe you would deny me of such a simple request as a testes-tapper.

SCOTT
Well, maybe you’re just not a very good friend.

CHARLIE
I am a great friend. I helped you build your house.

JOE
You’re acting pretty fucked up dude. I’m taking that first egg-scrambler back.

(JOE makes motion of taking tap back.)

CHARLIE
What? You can’t take it back.

SCOTT
Yeah. He can. It’s in the rules.

CHARLIE
What rules?

JOE
Sack tapping rules. Any man can take back a scrot-tap anytime he sees fit.

CHARLIE
Look, I’m sorry. Don’t take it back. It was my first one. I didn’t know.

SCOTT
(Mocking Charlie.) “I didn’t know.” Why don’t you go cry to your mommy, nancy boy.

CHARLIE
You guys are assholes.

(CHARLIE EXITS)
JOE
What a homo. That guy gets me so tense sometimes.

SCOTT
What you need my friend, is a scented oil massage.

(LIGHTS GO DOWN as sexy music plays.)

Comments(0)

“Don’t Forget To Tip Your…Vampire”
Matt Kelley
1/9/07 Version 4

CAST
JANET, 20’s
BRAD, 20’s
TONY, 40’s
VLAD, ??’s

(BRAD and JANET have just been seated for a meal.)
BRAD
This place has the best Noodle Coodle in the whole city. I’m starving. Let’s eat!

JANET
Are you sure? It smells like somebody died in here.

BRAD
It’s fine. This is just an old restaurant. The muskiness adds character.

JANET
Are you sure you don’t want to go to Outback? I could go for a blooming onion.

(VLAD ENTERS)
VLAD
Good Evening.

JANET
Oh! Hello. You startled me.

VLAD
Yes. I have a habit of doing this.

(VLAD casts a long seductive glare at JANET. BRAD clears his throat.)
BRAD
Umm, can we see a wine list, Mr?

VLAD
Ah, how rude of me. I am Vlad and I will be your…master.

(VLAD gives the wine list to BRAD.)
BRAD
Waiter.
VLAD
What?

BRAD
You will be our waiter. I think you said master.

VLAD
Oh, of course. How silly of me. I will be your…waiter.

(BRAD looks over wine list.)
BRAD
Can you suggest something?

VLAD
I never drink…wine.

BRAD
Umm,ok. We’ll just start with a basket of garlic bread.

(VLAD hisses.)
BRAD
What?

JANET
I think it’s the bread.

BRAD
What? Garlic bread?

(VLAD hisses.)
BRAD
Stop that.

(VLAD hisses.)
VLAD
I will be right back with your…bread.

(VLAD EXITS)
BRAD
Wow, what a creep. If I wanted to get waited on by a weirdo, I could have taken you out to Denny’s.

JANET
I don’t know. I think he’s kinda sexy.

BRAD
Sexy? Janet, he was totally raping you with his eyes.
JANET
Oh Brad please. He wasn’t raping me.

BRAD
I know eye-rape when I see it Janet.

(VLAD returns with a basket of garlic bread. He throws it on the table in disgust.)
VLAD
I apologize for my outburst earlier. Please accept this complimentary bottle…of wine.

JANET
Oh, why thank you, handsome. See Brad. He’s not a weirdo.

VLAD
The pleasure is all mine, my dear.

(VLAD begins to kiss JANET’s hand. BRAD stops him.)
BRAD
Ok. I think we’re ready to order. I’ll have the steak.

(VLAD hisses.)
BRAD
Enough with the sexy undead bit, ok? I get it. You want to seduce my girlfriend and sire us to become part of your unholy army of the night, right? Well that’s not going to happen. I want to see the manager right now!

VLAD
I am sorry. I will get him for you now. Tony!

(TONY ENTERS. He is gross. TONY scratches himself.)
TONY
Whatta you want?

BRAD
Yes. Your wait staff won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend and I think he might be (whispering) vampire.

TONY
You don’t like it? Eat somewhere else.

(TONY EXITS)
JANET
Brad, you are embarrassing me.

BRAD
Janet, this guy is a vampire and he wants to eat you. Can’t you see that?

JANET
Oh, so what if he does. When was the last time you tried to eat me?

(JANET gets up and walks to VLAD. VLAD begins to kiss JANET’s neck. JANET likes it.)
BRAD
Manager! Your wait staff is feeding on my girlfriend! If something isn’t done about this soon, I’m never eating here again!

(TONY ENTERS, SHRUGS, EXITS)
JANET
Oh shut up, Brad. Vlad knows how to treat a woman, which is a lot more than I can say for you. We’re breaking up.

BRAD
What? You’re leaving me for Count Chocula?

VLAD
Brad, if I wanted marshmallows. I would probably be dining on you.

BRAD
I’ve had just about enough of you, buddy.

(BRAD gets up to fight VLAD. VLAD hisses. BRAD sits.)
JANET
Brad, you are such a wuss. Any real man would have kicked some ass by now.

VLAD
One reason to dump your boyfriend!

BRAD
Janet, he’s a vampire!

JANET
So what? God, you’re such a whiner. That’s so unattractive in a guy.

VLAD
Two reasons to dump your boyfriend!
BRAD
Janet please take me back. Don’t go home with this creepy blood-sucker. I’ll do anything. I’ll shave my back. I’ll start subscribing to “O” magazine. Just please don’t leave me.

(BRAD clings to JANET’s leg.)

JANET
Ok, who’s creepy now?

VLAD
Three reasons to dump your boyfriend! Ah, ah, ah!

(Lightning crashes in the background.)

BRAD
Manager!

(TONY ENTERS)

BRAD
Manager! Manager! Please tell my girlfriend that she’s throwing her life away. Tell her she’s better off with me!

(TONY stops and thinks)

TONY
You’re better off with the vampire.

(TONY EXITS)

JANET
Oh, Brad.

BRAD
Janet. Would you really rather damn your soul for eternity with this creature than spend the rest of your natural life with me?

(Pause.)

JANET
Come on Vlad, let’s go to Outback and get a blooming onion.

(VLAD hisses.) (BLACKOUT.)

Comments(0)

This scene is based on a guy a met one time. This guys friend (a smelly old drunk hippy who had just gotten out of jail) kept insisting that this guy that we only knew as “Killer” would kill my friend Todd for a dollar. Lucky for Todd, I didn’t have any dollars on me that day.

“The Killer”
03/02/06
M. Kelley

CAST
TODD, 20’s
DON, 20’s
THE KILLER, ??

(SEAN sits in the living room, DON and THE KILLER ENTER)

DON
Street Fighter II.

TODD
You know it.

DON
You know you can’t waste your life playing video games all the time.

TODD
No?

DON
The whole world is a great big banana ripe for peeling. You gotta reach out there and grab it.

TODD
What the hell are you talking about? I don’t see you “grabbing the banana.”

DON
And it’s all been time wasted. Todd, listen to me. I met somebody today who changed my life, I think.

TODD
You think?

(DON turns off Street Fighter II)

DON
Yeah, I’m pretty sure. Todd, this is my friend The Killer.

(We get a better view of THE KILLER. He looks sort of like you would expect; half-retarded, scarred, swastika on his forehead. THE KILLER sits there and twitches)

TODD
Oh, ok. Nice to meet you Mr. . . .Killer.

THE KILLER
Who’s got a smoke?

TODD
Huh?

THE KILLER
Who’s got a smoke?

TODD
What does that mean?

DON
Better give him a cigarette.

THE KILLER
Smoke.

TODD
What’s going to happen if I don’t?

DON
Do really want to find out? I’d give him one if I were you.

(TODD gives a smoke to THE KILLER. THE KILLER lights it and greedily sucks it down.)

TODD
Well, that’s just great. You found somebody else to bum smokes off of me. Where the hell did this guy come from?

DON
Maybe jail, but probably prison. I don’t really know. I found him at the bus station. All he says is, “Who’s got a smoke” and “I’ll kill him for a dollar.”

THE KILLER
I’ll kill him for a dollar.

DON
See?

(TODD takes dollar off of the table)
TODD
I don’t see how this helps us.

DON
It’s inspiration.

TODD
That is inspiration?

DON
Well, yeah. I mean this guy knows what he wants.

THE KILLER
Who’s got a smoke?

DON
See. He knows what he wants.

TODD
Knows what he wants? Don, this is just some derelict you found at the bus station.

DON
This is not just some derelict. This is the Killer here.

TODD
How do you even know that’s his name if all he ever says is “I’ll kill him for a dollar” and. . .

THE KILLER
Who’s got a smoke?

TODD
Yeah.

DON
It’s carved in to his back.

(DON lifts up THE KILLER’S shirt to reveal his nametag scar)

THE KILLER
Who’s got a smoke?

DON
Better give him another smoke.

TODD
No.

THE KILLER (scarier)
Who’s got a smoke?

TODD
Ok.

(TODD gives THE KILLER another smoke)

TODD
Look, Don. I want this guy out of here.

DON
This is what we’ve been waiting for. This is our ticket out of this dump. He’s a motivational tool.

TODD
He’s not a tool. He’s a potentially escaped prisoner.

DON
Well than think of him as a deterrent. You know, to keep you in line.

TODD
Get rid of him.

DON
(sigh) Ok.

(DON takes one of Todd’s smokes and shows it to the killer. He throws it out the door. THE KILLER follows)

DON
Mario Cart?

Comments(0)

This scene was used in the show “Mantabulous” January-March 2007

“Fairy Godmuthas”
Matt Kelley
12/16/06

CAST
NIMBELINA, 60’s
MELINDA, 60’s
CINDY, 10’s
HECTOR, 20’s

(CINDY is riding around on NIMBELINA’s back. SHELINDA is not far behind them.)

CINDY
Faster, pony! Go faster.

NIMBELINA
Cindy, dear, pony is tired. Isn’t there another game we can play?

CINDY
I wanna play pony.

SHELINDA
But dear child, fairy godmother Nimbelina is tired. Surely, there is some other, much less strenuous game we could play.

CINDY
I said I wanna play pony, stupid. You’re the pony know.

(CINDY jumps onto SHELINDA’s back. SHELINDA protests.)

SHELINDA
Here. Have some candy.

(SHELINDA takes candy from her pocket and throws it across the stage. CINDY chases after it.)

NIMBELINA
Fairy godmother Shelinda, I just don’t know what to do with her. The girl is too much.

SHELINDA
I know, Nimbelina. I have never seen such a wicked beast of a child before in all of my days as a fairy godmother and I was fairy godmother to Bill O’Reilly and Carrot Top.
(CINDY returns)

CINDY
Look Nimbelina and Shelinda! I started a fire!

NIMBELINA and SHELINDA
Help us!

(HECTOR ENTERS)

HECTOR
Whoa. Either one of you crusty old broads got a smoke? I’m dying over here.

CINDY
Who the hell are you, dorkus?

HECTOR
I’m your fairy godmother, Hector. It seems like your other fairy godmothers over here need a little help keeping you under control. I’m here to help.

CINDY
You think you can control me? Well, you can’t. I’m the boss around here and you can’t…

(HECTOR zaps CINDY with tazer.)

HECTOR
Shut up you little brat!

NIMBELINA
Mr. Hector! A fairy godmother must never strike a child!

HECTOR
Did hear how the little weasel was mouthing off to me? What else am I gonna do? To tell you the truth. I could really give a rat’s ass who wins Fairy Princess of the year. I hope it ain’t me.

SHELINDA
Fairy Godmother.

HECTOR
What?

SHELINDA
It’s Fairy Godmother of the year. Not Fairy Princess.

HECTOR
Like I said. I don’t give a shit.

NIMBELINA
Mr. Hector. May I ask why you decided to become a Fairy Godmother, if you loathe it so much.

HECTOR
I thought that they gave you a gun. Turns out I was wrong. But that’s okay. I got my own now.

(HECTOR pulls out his gun. CINDY begins to cry.)

SHELINDA
Oh, dear. Please put that thing away. Guns are dangerous.

HECTOR
What? It’s not loaded see.

(HECTOR points the gun to his head and pulls the trigger)

HECTOR
See? You old fairy chicks really are a bunch of pansies.

NIMBELINA
Ummm, what did you do before you became a fairy godmother, Hector?

HECTOR
Well, I used to work for the city building bridges, but then I got caught for banging the boss’s wife. So, I sold weed for awhile. Did odd jobs. A little B &E.

SHELINDA
B&E?

HECTOR
Breaking and entering.

NIMBELINA
That hardly seems like a very rewarding job.

HECTOR
You’re telling me. This one time, I was in this house lifting some old chick’s jewelry box and this old dude comes out of nowhere and cracks me with a baseball bat. So, I stabbed him in the neck and run like hell and then I find out that I didn’t get a jewelry box at all. It was her teeth. I got three broken ribs and all I got to show for it is some old lady dentures.

NIMBELINA
No, what I mean is, that doesn’t seem to be a good lesson to be teaching your fairy god children.

HECTOR
Look, bitch. I don’t tell you how to do you job, and I sure as hell don’t need any advice from you.

SHELINDA
You can’t talk to her like that. It’s against the fairy godmother code!

HECTOR
Yeah, yeah. I know all about the code. Seems like I can’t go two minutes without having somebody remind me about the god damn code.

CINDY
You said a cus word!

HECTOR
What? God damn is a cus word now? Jesus, I’m getting old.

(HECTOR zaps CINDY again.)

NIMBELINA
Well, than you should know better.

HECTOR
In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not really cut out for this fairy goodshoes or whatever gig, but I do my job and I do it well.

SHELINDA
It’s people like you who give fairy godmothers a bad name.

HECTOR
Excuse me?
SHELINDA
You heard me.

HECTOR
I’ll have you know old lady, that that little demon of a fairy god child hasn’t made a peep since I set things straight here.

NIMBELINA
That’s because you keep electrocuting her. She’ll be riding us around like cattle again as soon as you leave. She’s just scared. That’s all.

CINDY
Damn straight.

(HECTOR zaps CINDY again.)

HECTOR
I got four words for you broads that’ll fix all your problems from here on out.

SHELINDA
Oh yeah? What’s that?

HECTOR
Soap in a sock.

SHELINDA
Soap in a sock?

HECTOR
Yeah. Take a bar of soap, stuff it in a sock and beat her till she shuts her mouth. It hurts like a bitch, but it doesn’t leave marks.

CINDY
What? You can’t do that!

SHELINDA
Really?

HECTOR
I do it all the time. Fairy cops can’t do shit cuz there’s no evidence.

NIMBELINA
I must say, Hector, I’ve been a fairy godmother for a long time, and that is one of the greatest ideas I have ever heard.

SHELINDA
You know what Nimbelina? Screw the little weasel. Let’s go get some socks.

NIMBELINA
I’m with you. Thank you so much Hector.

HECTOR
Hey. Another day, another dollar.

Comments(0)

“The Pudding Listener”
M. Kelley
February 21, 2006

CAST
MR. BOOTH, 40’s
KATRINA, 20’s
THE PUDDING LISTENER, Age Unknown

(MR. BOOTH and KATRINA stand outside a now empty bank vault)

MR. BOOTH
Where the hell are the cops? Those bank robbers are probably halfway to Fresno by now.

KATRINA
You want me to call them again, Mr. Booth?

MR. BOOTH
No Katrina, that won’t be necessary. God, this town has really gone to the mongooses. You know what this place needs? A hero.

KATRINA
A hero?

(THE PUDDING LISTENER ENTERS)

THE PUDDING LISTENER
A hero!

MR. BOOTH
Yes, a hero. Who are you?

THE PUDDING LISTENER
Me? I’m the Pudding Listener. Defender of truth. Seeker of justice. Lover to assorted cereal-based desserts.

KATRINA
I’ve heard of you. You’re the guy who solves crimes through the mysteries of pudding.

THE PUDDING LISTENER
That’s right. Whether it be boiled, baked or steamed, no crime is too tough to solve.

MR. BOOTH
The Pudding Listener? Oh that’s just great. Look buddy, thanks but no thanks. This isn’t really a pudding-based crime.

THE PUDDING LISTENER
Pudding has more to do with it than you think.

KATRINA
It wouldn’t hurt to let him try, sir. Go ahead Pudding Listener, please show us your mystical ways.

THE PUDDING LISTENER
Do you have any pudding?

MR. BOOTH
No, we don’t have any pudding. This is a bank not 17th Century England.

THE PUDDING LISTENER
There’s pudding here. I can sense it.

KATRINA
I have a jell-o pudding cup in my lunch.

(KATRINA retrieves pudding)

MR. BOOTH
We don’t have time for this.

THE PUDDING LISTENER
There’s always time for jell-o.

(KATRINA gives pudding to THE PUDDING LISTENER. THE PUDDING LISTENER opens the pudding cup)

THE PUDDING LISTENER
Spoon?

(KATRINA gives plastic spoon to THE PUDDING LISTENER. THE PUDDING LISTENER holds the pudding cup up to his ear)

MR. BOOTH
Do you want to know what happened? What the guys looked like?

THE PUDDING LISTENER
No. No. The pudding will tell me.

(SILENCE)

MR. BOOTH
This is ridiculous. Well, what does it say?
THE PUDDING LISTENER
I’m afraid this pudding didn’t make it.

KATRINA
Aww, how did it happen?

THE PUDDING LISTENER
Suffocation. Pudding can’t survive in these little plastic cups forever.

MR. BOOTH
Great. Now can you please get out of here?

THE PUDDING LISTENER
Please. A moment of silence for my fallen brethren.

MR. BOOTH
Seriously?

(Everyone bows their heads. There is a moment of silence. THE PUDDING LISTENER begins eating the pudding)

MR. BOOTH
You’re eating your fallen brethren?

THE PUDDING LISTENER
Pudding is high in calcium. It’s a lot of work being a superhero.

KATRINA
Yeah, Mr. Booth. The Pudding Listener volunteers his time and risks his life so we can live or lives without fear.

MR. BOOTH
But he hasn’t done anything. The only thing he’s accomplished is eating that pudding cup.

THE PUDDING LISTENER
Consuming the bodies of my deceased kin fuels my pudding sensors. In fact, I feel them working now. There’s pudding near. Vanilla. No, butterscotch.

(THE PUDDING LISTENER searches around for the source of the pudding. He finally stops at MR. BOOTH’s pocket)

MR. BOOTH
Ohhh, fine.

(MR. BOOTH takes pudding from his pocket and gives it to PUDDING LISTENER)
KATRINA
Wow. He’s really good.

MR. BOOTH
It’s not even cooked. How are you going to figure anything out form uncooked pudding?

THE PUDDING LISTENER
That’s the beauty of pudding. Not only is it delicious, but it only takes seconds to make.

MR. BOOTH
I was going to make that for dessert tonight.

THE PUDDING LISTENER
Do you want to find out what happened here or not?

MR. BOOTH
I know what happened here. Two guys robbed the bank. One was wearing a Ronald McDonald mask and the other guy had a tattoo of a tiger on his. . .

THE PUDDING LISTENER
The pudding will tell all. Katrina! It’s time to make the pudding!

KATRINA
Yes, sir!

(KATRINA runs off stage and returns immediately with cooked pudding)

KATRINA
Wow. That was really easy to make.

(KATRINA hands bowl of pudding to THE PUDING LISTENER. He listens)

THE PUDDING LISTENER
Hmmm. Yes. Interesting. Very interesting. Mmmhmmm.

(THE PUDDING LISTENER begins to eat the pudding)

MR. BOOTH
Hey, stop that. That pudding is for my kids.

(THE PUDDING LISTENER aggressively eats more pudding. MR. BOOTH tries to stop him)

MR. BOOTH
You son of a bitch.

THE PUDDING LISTENER
It’s mine! Leave me alone! It’s mine!

KATRINA
What is it pudding listener? What is the pudding trying to tell us?

MR. BOOTH
Damn it, Katrina. Can’t you see this guy is a pudding thieving phony?

KATRINA
The robbers! Where are they now?

MR. BOOTH
Katrina, help me!

THE PUDDING LISTENER
Wait!

(EVERYONE STOPS)

THE PUDDING LISTENER
What the hell is that thing?

(MR. BOOTH and KATRINA look to see where PUDDING LISTENER is pointing)

THE PUDDING LISTENER
Pudding away!

(THE PUDDING LISTENER runs away)

MR. BOOTH
Katrina?

KATRINA
Yes, sir?

MR. BOOTH
You’re fired.

KATRINA
Yes, sir.

Comments(0)

“Tigermilk”
Matt Kelley
03/09/06

CAST
STEVE, 40’s
TONY, 20’s
MR. HIROHITO, 40’s

STEVE
Ok, Tony. This is a very important client we have coming in today. If we don’t close this deal, it could mean the end of Peterson, Peterson and Gunn.

TONY
Don’t worry about it boss. I’ll take good care of him.

STEVE
That’s the kind of attitude I like to see, my boy. So, when he gets here, I want you to take his coat, offer him a drink. Anything he wants, he gets. Kapeach?

TONY
Kapeach. Oh, how convenient is that? Here he comes now.

(MR. HIROHITO ENTERS)

STEVE
Mr. Hirohito. Kenichewa. Welcome to our offices. Please have a seat.

MR. HIROHITO
Thank you. Thank you very much.

(MR. HIRHITO sits)

STEVE
This is my assistant Tony.

TONY
Can I take your coat, Mr. Hirohito?

MR. HIROHITO
Yes. Thank you. Thank you very much.

(TONY takes MR. HIROHITO’s coat)

STEVE
Mr. Hirohito, we’ve been working on some really great stuff and I’m sure you’re going to love what you see. (clears throat) Tony.

TONY
Oh, uh, Mr. Hirohito. Would you like something to drink? Some water maybe?

MR. HIROHITO
Yes. Thank you very much. I’d like a glass.

TONY
I’m sorry, you want to rake some grass?

MR. HIROHITO
No, a glass.

STEVE
Tony, get him some grass.

TONY
You got it boss.

(TONY EXITS)

STEVE
Please excuse my assistant. He’s a little hard of hearing.

MR. HIROHITO
No, you make a mistake.

STEVE
Of course. Of course. As soon as Tony gets back here I’ll have him order up a couple of thick American steaks. Best in town. Now let’s take a look at these curtains, shall we?

MR. HIROHITO
No, no, no. Not a . . .

(TONY ENTERS with grass on a plate)

TONY
Here you are, Mr. Hirohito. Fresh from the lawn.

MR. HIROHITO
No, you make a mistake. I don’t want some grass. I want a glass.

STEVE
Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Hirohito. My assistant will take of it. Tony, order up some steaks. (to Tony only) and find out what the hell kind of grass he’s talking about.

TONY
I think I know what he wants.

(TONY whips out some weed and lights a joint)

TONY
Here you go Mr. Hirohito. This is really good stuff. I’ll get those steaks ordered up right away.

(TONY moves to next room and picks up phone)

MR. HIROHITO
No. Mistake. Mistake.

TONY
I’m on it, Mr. Hirohito. You just keep puffing on that joint. I’ve got plenty more.

MR. HIROHITO
Nevermind. Let’s take a look at the curtains.

STEVE
Tony, get a rook and some puritans too.

(STEVE and TONY look at each other and shrug. MR. HIROHITO puts down weed to look at curtains)

TONY
Steaks are on the way and I got the rook and puritans too. It’s gonna be extra.

STEVE
Excellent, Tony. What do you think of these Mr. Hirohito.

MR. HIROHITO
I think we need to use finer silk.

STEVE
Tiger milk? You got it. Tony, while you’re out getting those steaks, pick up some tiger milk for Mr. Hirohito.

TONY
I think the tiger at the zoo just had kittens, sir. I’m on my way.

(TONY EXITS)

MR. HIROHITO
No. That’s not what I want. Okay?

STEVE
Rent Willy Wonka too.

TONY
Ok.

MR. HIROHITO
I need nothing!

STEVE
Tony. Mr. Hirohito’s nuts sting. Get some icy hot too.

TONY
You got it!

MR. HIROHITO
No. No. No. Stupid American. I no want grass. I want glass. I no want milk. I want silk. How stupid you can be?

(pause)

STEVE
Mr. Hirohito. I am so sorry. It must be the culture gap. It’s just hard for us to understand you. I hope you will forgive me.

MR. HIROHITO
Apology accepted.

STEVE
Great. As soon as Tony gets back I’ll have him get that amputee clown with one roller-skate and the tattoo of a spider on his face you wanted.

MR. HIROHITO
Thank you. Thank you very much.

Comments(0)

(A man stands on stage dressed in black. People walk up to him to give him condolences)

KARL
Thank you, thank you.

(An old woman approaches)

GRANDMA
Oh, Karl. I am so sorry.

KARL
Thank you, Grandma. Thanks for coming.

GRANDMA
I always liked Carol. She was a lovely woman. It’s always such a shame to see someone so young.

KARL
Well, she’s in a better place now.

GRANDMA
Yes. Yes she is.

(SILENCE)

GRANDMA
Would you like me to give you a handjob, dear?

KARL (Dumbfounded)
What?

GRANDMA (louder)
A hand job, dearie. Would you like me to give you one?

KARL
Shhhhh. Grandma I don’t think you know what you are saying.

GRANDMA
What do you think I’m saying?

KARL
This really isn’t the time.

(SILENCE)

GRANDMA (even louder)
I said HANDJOB.

(People stare)

KARL
Grandma, I heard you fine. I just think you mean something else.

GRANDMA
Oh now Karl, don’t be silly. Before your grandfather passed away, whenever he was upset about something, I would give him a handjob.

KARL
Grandma, please.

(More people come up to give condolences)

GRANDMA
He’d have a tough day at the mill, or trouble with bills and I’d give him a couple of yanks and he was a new man.

KARL
Grandma! Can we please change the subject?

(SILENCE)

GRANDMA
It’ll be a great handjob.

KARL
Grandma, no! I do not want a handjob!

(AWKWARD SILENCE IN ROOM TUNS INTO LESS UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE)

GRANDMA
Oh, I see. You don’t want a handjob from me because I’m too old.

KARL
No, Grandma.

GRANDMA (sobbing)
Oh, no. Forget it. The elderly are of no use to society anymore. You might as well just bury me next to Carol here, for all that I’m worth.

KARL
Grandma.

GRANDMA
You know, I wasn’t always old. I used to be young and wild. I’d take ‘em 4, 5 at a time. I would. Double fistin’

KARL
Grandma, please. It’s not that you’re too old.

GRANDMA
Is it my ass?

KARL
No, Grandma. I just don’t feel comfortable getting a handjob from my Grandmother at my wife’s funeral.

GRANDMA
Why not? It’s not like we’re dating. I’ll just take you out in the alley and after a couple quick pumps we’ll come right back. You’ll feel better.

KARL
No.

GRANDMA
Ok. I guess you’re a big boy now. Don’t need you’re old grandma anymore.

KARL
Thank you.

(SILENCE)

GRANDMA
Well, I guess I should be getting back to the retirement home. Get back to the bridge club, where my skills are appreciated.

(GRANDMA starts to leave.)

KARL
Grandma wait.

(KARL grabs GRANDMA)

KARL
If you want to make me feel better, maybe one of your famous pecan pies could help me out a little bit.
GRANDMA
With the whipped cream?

KARL
Yeah. With the whipped cream.

GRANDMA
Ok, I’ll stop by tomorrow with a fresh pecan pie.

KARL
That sounds good. See you tomorrow.

GRANDMA
And while you’re eating it, I’ll suck your cock.

Comments(0)

“Gin and Prune Juice”
Matt Kelley

CAST
GLADYS, 60’s
RUTH, 60’s
MARGIE, 60’s

(GLADYS ENTERS. RUTH and MARGIE are sitting at a table playing gin rummy.)

GLADYS
Sorry I’m late girls. I had to drop the grandkids off at the pool.

MARGIE
Oh, don’t you worry about it, dearie. We were just getting started. Do you want something to drink?

GLADYS
Oh, I’d love a 40 of King Cobra if it’s not too much trouble.

MARGIE
Ruth?

RUTH
I’m still workin on this one? Can you bring out some peanut brittle?

GLADYS
Ohh, the doctor says I can’t eat nuts.

MARGIE
I’m sorry to hear about that, Gladys. I think I have some hard candy I can bring out.

(MARGIE EXITS)

GLADYS
Golly, I tell you, Ruth. You would not believe the day that I’m having. I went to the grocery store today, and the man there tried to charge me $1.29 for a peach.

RUTH
$1.29?

GLADYS
Can you believe it?

RUTH
What did you do?

GLADYS
Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I said, “Mister. I will not pay that much for a peach.” And then I bitch slapped him.

RUTH
Good for you, dearie. I would have done the same thing.

(MARGIE ENTERS with 40oz of King Cobra. She gives it to GLADYS. MARGIE then sits at the table and begins to shuffle the cards. GLADYS sips the 40 oz)

GLADYS
Mhmmmmm. That shit’s the bomb.

MARGIE
Isn’t it? Call me old-fashioned, but I got the Olde English last week and it just tasted too sweet to me. It seems like I’m always going back to the King Cobra.

(MARGIE begins to deal cards. The girls begin to play.)

GLADYS
How is your grandson doing, Margie?

MARGIE
He’s good. Baseball season is starting up again soon. He wants to play second base.

RUTH
I don’t means to be a gossip, but that grandson of yours pinched my weed sack last week.

MARGIE
He did?

RUTH
Yes, sir. I give him 60 dollars for an eighth and it only weighed two grams.

MARGIE
Well, I guess I’ll have to have a chat with him now won’t I?

RUTH
I should hope so. I wouldn’t want to have to smoke that bitch ass fool.

GLADYS
Speaking of bitch ass fools, I missed the lotto numbers by just two this week.

MARGIE
I swear those machines are rigged. They know what numbers are going to come up. I’m going to play this ace on yours right here and I’ve got rummy.

GLADYS
Wait just a gosh-darn second here. There are five aces on the table.

RUTH
Gladys, I think this bitch is trying to cheat us here.

MARGIE
Excuse me Ruth, but who are you calling a bitch, ho?

RUTH
Hold on. Let me put my teeth in, dear.

(RUTH puts her teeth in her mouth)

RUTH
I called you a bitch, bitch.

MARGIE
Oh no. I don’t believe you did. I like for you to please say that to my blade.

(MARGIE pulls out a knife)

RUTH
Well, that won’t be a problem as long as you don’t mind talking to my gatt.

(RUTH pulls out a gun)

GLADYS
Now, hold on ladies. I’m sure this is just a big misunderstanding, but I don’t trust either one of you motherfuckers.

(GLADYS points machine guns and MARGIE and RUTH)

MARGIE
Don’t do anything silly now Gladys.

GLADYS
The Parkinsons makes my trigger finger a little shaky, dear. I’d watch who I was calling a ho if I were you.

MARGIE
But I didn’t call you a ho, dear. It was Ruth that I called a ho.

GLADYS
What?

MARGIE
A ho, dear. I didn’t call you a ho. I was talking to Ruth.

RUTH
That’s right. You don’t need to get involved. This is between me and the bitch ass cheater.

GLADYS
Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were talking to me. My hearings not so good anymore either.

MARGIE
That’s ok dear.

(GLADYS puts down her guns)

RUTH
Now Margie, honey. Are you going to admit that you cheated or do I need to make you another colostomy hole?

MARGIE
Oh, Ruth. You don’t have the teabags to pull that trigger. I’d bet my best wig on it.

RUTH
You want to try me, grandma?

GLADYS
Girls. Girls. Look, there are two decks mixed up here. It was an honest mistake.

(MARGIE and RUTH put down their guns)

MARGIE
Well would you look at that?

RUTH
I am so sorry, Margie. It’s just first your grandson pinches my weed sack and now I just thought. . .

MARGIE
Oh, don’t worry about it dear. Accidents happen.

(GLADYS spills her 40oz)

GLADYS
Ooops. Spilled my 40.

MARGIE
What?

(MARGIE and RUTH point guns at GLADYS)

GLADYS
Wait. Girls.

MARGIE
Sorry, Gladys. You know the rules.

(MARGIE and RUTH shoot GLADYS)

RUTH
Aww, your tablecloth is ruined.

MARGIE
Oh, that’s ok. Now maybe I can get George to buy me a new one. Do you want a piece of sodabread?

RUTH
That sounds lovely.

Comments(0)

“MEDICINE”
Matt Kelley
09/04/06 2nd Draft

CAST
DOC, 30’s
BARBARA, 30’s

(DOC and BARBARA are entering the Emergency Room)

BARBARA
I’m so sorry to interrupt your lunch, doctor, but you are the only one who can help this patient.

DOC
That’s alright Barbara. What is the patient’s status?

BARBARA
Six broken ribs. Punctured right lung. Massive trauma to the occipital cranium. It doesn’t look good.

DOC
What happened?

BARBARA
Head on collision with an SUV. Neither driver was wearing a seatbelt.

DOC
Where’s the other driver?

BARBARA
He died on the way here.

DOC
Ok, we’re going to have to insert a breathing tube. We need to take some stress off of that lung. Lets open him up.

BARBARA
Yes Doctor.

(DOC and BARBARA open patient.)

DOC
Jesus, it’s a mess in there.

BARBARA
Shall I sanitize the instruments?

DOC
There’s no time. I need 90 cc’s of chicken broth stat!

BARBARA
Chicken broth?

DOC
Yes chicken broth! Didn’t your mother ever give you chicken soup when you were sick?

BARBARA
Sure. But this man is not sick. He’s bleeding internally.

(DOC slaps BARBARA)

DOC
Damn it Barbara, you stupid bitch. I’m not going to lose this one.

BARBARA
I’m sorry doctor, but this hospital isn’t equipped with those types of materials.

DOC
Damn it! How does this place function without proper medical materials? Ok, I need you to get my lunchbox out of that bag over there. There’s a thermos inside. Bring it to me.

BARBARA
Yes Doctor.

(BARB gets thermos)

DOC
Ok. (sigh) The sacrifices I make.

(DOC begins to pour soup into patient.)

DOC
Easy. Easy.

BARBARA
It’s not working. The body is rejecting the soup.
DOC
More noodles! I need more noodles!

(BARBARA gives up the noodles)

BARBARA
Pulse is dropping!

DOC
Come on! Stay with me!

BARBARA
What are we going to do?

DOC
We’re going to need more powerful medicine.

BARBARA
Thorazine coming up.

DOC
No drugs. We need the most powerful medicine. Laughter. Grab that polka-dot bag over there.

BARBARA
Yes Doctor.

(BARBARA grabs the polka-dot bag)

DOC
Rainbow wig.

BARBARA
Rainbow wig.

(BARBARA hands DOCTOR the wig)

DOC
Clown nose.

BARBARA
Clown nose.

(BARBARA hands DOCTOR clown nose)

DOC
Whoopee cushion.
BARBARA
Whoopee cushion.

(BARBARA hands DOCTOR whoopee cushion. Patient flatlines)

BARBARA
We’re losing him!

DOC
Ok. Here goes. Clear!

(DOCTOR dances around and makes fart noise)

BARBARA
It’s not working!

DOC
Clear!

(DOCTOR dances around and makes fart noise)

BARBARA
I think we need to call it, Doctor.

DOC
Not on my watch.

(DOCTOR dances around and makes fart noise. Patient comes back)

BARBARA
He’s stabilizing! Blood pressure returning to normal. You’ve done it, Doctor!

DOC
I’m just doing my job.

BARBARA
I can’t believe it!

DOC
Don’t get too excited. The rest is up to God.

BARBARA
Thank you, Doctor. I’ll get him to post op right away.

DOC
That won’t be necessary.

BARBARA
What needs to be done?

DOC
What he needs is time.

BARBARA
Should I just leave him here?

DOC
No. Take my watch. Hit him in the face with this every twenty minutes ad see if you can’t get his mommy in here to kiss these boo boo’s.

BARBARA
Yes Doctor.

Comments(0)

Here’s a scene for the show “Welcome to America, May I Take Your Border?” December 2006-February

“Celebrity”
Matt Kelley
04/19/06 Version 1

CAST
VERONICA, 22
LISA, 21
JOHNNY GEETAR, 25

(VERONICA and LISA are waiting outside JOHNNY GEETAR’s dressing room. They knock on the door. JOHNNY GEETAR answers)

VERONICA and LISA
Oh my god!! It’s Johnny!!!

JOHNNY GEETAR
Hello ladies. How can I do you?

(VERONICA and LISA scream with delight)

VERONICA
Johnny, we are like your biggest fans. We have all your records.

LISA
We’ve seen all your movies.

VERONICA
I even bought that Johnny Geetar facial scrub that got recalled after all those kids got sick.

JOHNNY GEETAR
It’s always nice to meet fans. Would you like to come in?

(The girls get giddy and enter the dressing room)

JOHNNY GEETAR
I’ll get some drinks. You girls are 21, right? I’m just kidding. Like I really give a shit.

(JOHNNY walks away to get drinks.)

LISA
Oh my God. He is soo dreamy.

VERONICA
I know. I just want to eat him up. If I don’t come home tonight, don’t wait up.

(JOHNNY comes back with drinks)

JOHNNY GEETAR
Here you go ladies.

(VERONICA takes a sip of her drink.)

VERONICA
Ewww. This tastes like dog piss.

JOHNNY GEETAR
Oh I’m sorry, that one’s mine.

LISA
What is it?

JOHNNY GEETAR
It’s a gastro-intestinal stabilizer shake. I have to drink one every four hours or else I get violent diarrhea.

VERONICA
Oh that’s terrible.

JOHNNY GEETAR
Yeah, but I don’t want to bore you with a bunch of silly details about my intestines. Let’s get down to what you girls really came here for.

(JOHNNY GEETAR begins making out with the two girls. They all pant and moan until JOHNNY GEETAR’s wig falls off.)

VERONICA
Oh my god! Your hair fell off!

JOHNNY GEETAR
Oh. Whoops. I’ve been meaning to get more glue. Damn thing almost flew off in the show tonight.

LISA
You mean that’s not your real hair?

JOHNNY GEETAR
I’m afraid not. Alopecia has left me bald a baby’s ass since I turned 17.

LISA
But it looks so real.

JOHNNY GEETAR
Oh yeah. It’s the best money can buy.

VERONICA
It doesn’t matter. I think it’s kinda sexy. Besides, you still have those deep blue eyes for me to get lost in.

JOHNNY GEETAR
Do you like them? The record label makes me wear these contact lenses. I hate them. They really make my eyes itch.

(JOHNNY GEETAR takes out a contact lense)

VERONICA
So, that’s not your real eye color?

JOHNNY GEETAR
Actually, this one isn’t even my real eye.

(JOHNNY GEETAR removes his right eye)

LISA
Ewwww.

JOHNNY GEETAR
Now, where were we?

LISA
Whoa. Hold on a second. I’m suddenly not so in the mood.

JOHNNY GEETAR
What’s wrong baby?

VERONICA
Lisa, this is Johnny Geetar.

LISA
I’m not sure about that anymore.

JOHNNY GEETAR
I’m still the same person on the inside.

VERONICA
Yeah. Here Johnny, why don’t you play us a song?

(VERONICA hands JOHNNY GEETAR his geetar)

JOHNNY GEETAR
What? I don’t know how to play that thing.

LISA
You don’t?

VERONICA
But we saw you playing it in the show.

JOHNNY GEETAR
Yeah, I just pretend to play it. There’s this guy named Tony who stands offstage. He’s the one who really plays it. Say hi, Tony.

(TONY ENTERS)

TONY
Hello.

(TONY EXITS)

LISA
But you still write the songs.

JOHNNY GEETAR
No. A guy named Randy does that. I’m really just the good looks.

LISA
You are a phony. Come on Veronica. Lets get out of here.

VERONICA
Excuse us for a second.

(VERONICA and LISA step away to talk privately.)

LISA
Lets book. This guy is gross.

VERONICA
Don’t leave. I want to stay.

LISA
What? What do you want to stay for?

VERONICA
So what if he’s not as good looking as we thought. I mean, he’s still a good person. Plus, I haven’t been with a guy in over a year.

LISA
Fine.

VERONICA
Thank you.

(VERONICA and LISA go back to JOHNNY GEETAR)

VERONICA
We’ve decided to stay.

JOHNNY GEETAR
Great. Now before I sex it up with a chick, I like to smear my body with ox blood and make a sacrifice to the dark lord, Zantar.

LISA
Ok. We’re out of here.

(LISA pulls VERONICA away from JOHNNY GEETAR)

VERONICA
No. I don’t care. Let me stay.

LISA
No way.

JOHNNY GEETAR
If you guys really need to leave, can you help me put on my adult diaper before I go to bed?

(LISA eventually pulls VERONICA out of the room. JOHNNY GEETAR stands alone in his room. VERONICA comes back into the room.)

JOHNNY GEETAR
You came back.

(VERONICA takes JOHNNY GEETAR’s wig, glass eye and guitar and runs out of the room.)

JOHNNY GEETAR
I should really learn to play guitar. Oh well. Tony, send in some more girls.

(TONY ENTERS)

TONY
You got it.

(TONY EXITS)

Comments(0)