Matt Kelley is Great.com

Current mood: Itchy
Category: Itchy Blogging

I have a question.  Who the fuck invented allergies?  Huh?  Who did it?  Well whoever did it is a real arsehole.   

I feel like I want to scratch my eyes out of my skull. They itch so bad I want to stick forks into them.  Of course, however, I can’t do that because then I wouldn’t be able to see and that would be bad because I do enjoy looking at things. 

And another thing, asshole who invented allergies; why did you make allergies that can adapt to different medications?  Huh?  WHY would you do that?  You think it’s funny to be a total dick?  I’ve been through 6 or seven different kinds of allergy pills and none of them work for more than 2 days.

Maybe I need different living conditions.  Maybe I need to be locked inside a sterile environment where there’s no dust and no pollen.  Yeah.  I bet you’d like that Mr. Allergy Inventor.  With me out of your way, you’d be free to construct your doomsday laser.  Well, I got news for you buddy.  I’m not going into that sterile no dust/pollen environment unless there’s an XBOX 360 with all the games and a never ending bag of weed in there. 

Until then, you can keep on inventing stronger allergies and I’ll keep sniffing, sneezing and fantisizing about shoving forks into my skull.  You son of a bitch.

You do know that inventing allergies is a really lame way to get somebody right?  It’s irritating at best.  Very irritating in fact, but if you were really out to get me, why don’t do something that might actually snuff me out for good.  Like poison my food.  I eat food every day multiple times.  I’m sure it would be way easier to dust a little Ajax on my chicken sandwich than spending night and day slaving away in a laboratory inventing allergies. 

What kind of supervillian sets out to annoy his enemies?  You seriously are a lame arch nemesis.  What if the Red Skull put saran wrap over Captain America’s toilet seat?  I’ll tell you waht would happen.  You’d have a really lame comic book plot on your hands.  Even more lame than when Captain America was still alive.  What are you?  6?  Stop inventing allergies. 

I don’t even care if you are 6.  I don’t care if you are a super genius 6 year old with a crazy underground laboratory.  If you are the one inventing allergies, I am going to find you and I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. 

Mark my words.    

Current mood: Slimy
Category: Slimy Blogging

I think I’m going to start an underground kitten fighting league.  I’m not sure if kitten fighting is actually illegal.  It probably is but whatever.  I think I can make hella scrill. 

Since that football dude went to jail for having all those dog fights I bet there’s a bunch of people lookin for something to gamble on.  That’s where kitten fights comes in. 

I’m gonna get as many of the baddest, toughest kittens I can find, breed them into super-kittens and have fights in my living room, thunderdome style.  Two kittens enter, one kitten leaves.  Actually, maybe I’ll make it exactly like thunderdome.  I’ll build a thunderdome and put a bunch of tiny weapons inside it.  Then I’ll strap rubberbands around the kittens and watch them fight to the death. 

I know people usually like dog fighting, but here’s the deal.  My apartment is very small and there’s no way I’ll be able to keep a bunch of big loud smelly pitbulls in here.  I’ll totally get busted.  Plus, pitbulls are way bigger and I think if I buried four of them, my backyard would be full of dead pitbulls.  Whereas kittens are much smaller, I can fit more dead ones in the backyard.  Also, kittens will be easier to keep in the apartment.   

I mean, I’ll feel sorta bad for being responsible for having all this kitten blood on my hands but I’m sure all the money I’m gonna make will cheer me up.  I just hope the ghosts of the dead kittens don’t haunt me too bad.  That would suck. 

Oh yeah, and to make it even more like Thunderdome, I’ll dress up like Tina Turner and be all crazy and yell and shit.  Then at the end of every night of kitten fights, I’ll sing that song that’s like, “We Don’t Need Another Hero”  That will be the kitten fight theme song.  It will be fuckin sweet. 

I aslo sort of want it to be like WWF (or WWE whatever) so the kittens will have personas and theme songs when they come out to fight.  Also, feel free to dress your kitten up in a flashy costume to intimidate it’s opponent.  Did I mention that other people are welcome to bring their kittens?  Well, they are.  In fact, I’d prefer it.  I don’t mind keeping a kitten farm in my apartment but I can’t have all my kittens killing each other off so fast.  Anybody can bring their kitten to kitten fights but watch out cuz my kittens are gonna be real tough.  I’m gonna juice them up with kitten steroids too.  Kitten fighting won’t be regulated by any watchdog groups or anything.  Just pure exploitation of kittens for profit.  

Well, I better get to building that Thunderdome.  I need money to buy Christmas gifts for my family.       

Currently watching : UNITED 93/TWIN TOWERS VALUE 2PK (DVD) (TACO SLEEVE)

Current mood: Nachos!!
Category: Nachos!! Blogging

My roommate, Joe, is obcessed with Ethan Hawke.  I don’t know how it started, but now it seems to be all he ever talks about.  Ethan Hawke this, Ethan Hawke that.  Dude is in love with Ethan Hawke. 

He swears its not a gay thing (but we all know that it’s totally a gay thing.)  He says he just thinks that Ethan Hawke is a fantastic actor.  I guess he’s ok.  That movie, Gattaca, was one of the free movies on demand a couple months ago.  I thought it was alright.  I saw Training Day too.  I thought it could have been a lot better.  Joe of course thinks they are both fantastic pieces of cinematic brilliance.  Whatever.    

Anyway, the reason I’m posting this blog is because Joe’s birthday is coming up and i know it would really make his day if he got some Ethan Hawke related birthday reminders.  You know just like a picture of Ethan Hawke with a little quote that says something like “Hawke it to me” or “Hawke’s lookin at you, kid.” 

His email address is joedejulius@yahoo.com or you can send them to his work email which happens to be joe@zacuto.com .  It would probably be better to send them to his work email.  My desk is directly across form him and it would make me happy to see his face light up whenever he gets a special Ethan Hawke birthday message. 

Of course, if you want to send him a more personal Ethan Hawke note, I would use the personal email address.  Say for instance if you wanted to photoshop Ethan Hawke’s face on a picture of a naked dude with a note that says “Me so Hawkey”  you might want to send it to the yahoo address.  But hey it’s up to you. 

So, if you have a couple of spare minutes today or even if you are reading this weeks in the future, I know Joe would love to get some Ethan Hawke related emails.  So image google search away.  Here are some more ideas in case you get stuck. 

Put Ethan Hawkes face on a picture of a jock strap and call it a “Hawke Strap.” 

Merge Ethan with a piece of chalk to make ”Ethan Chalk.”

Get a picture of Fozzie Bear with Ethan Hawke and have the caption say “Hawka hawka hawka.” 

Put Ethan Hawke on a clock to make “Ethan Clock.” 

You could send Joe one of those boxes of assorted chocolates and put Ethan Hawke’s face on each one.  “Assorted Hawkelettes” 

You could have a picture of a door and when you open the door there is a picture of Ethan Hawke.  The caption could say “Hawke, hawke.  Who’s there?” 

Currently watching : Sweet Home Alabama Release date: 04 February, 2003

Current mood: Covered in Blood
Category: Covered in Blood Blogging

Greetings blog readers!!!  Hey, it’s been a while since I’ve posted a new blog but I think my dormant phase is over and I should be posting regularly again.  (I am now picturing two people half clapping in front of their computer with lackluster enthusiasm.)  Anyway, like it or not, I’ll be writing dumb blogs again.  Here goes!!

So, there are a few different reasons why i haven’t been blogging lately.  I’ve been busy with other things, I’ve been very tired, the weather has gotten cold and left me less than inspired, etc.  All these things come into play a little bit but I think there really is one huge reason why I haven’t been writing.  Simply, I haven’t been pissed off enough.

Life has been pretty sweet lately.  I don’t really have anything to complain about.  If you’ve read this blog before, i’m sure you would agree that most of the time I’m basically just complaining about shit that makes me angry.  So, it makes sense that once I stop being angry, the need to write dissolves too. 

Well, rest assured readers.   I’ve found something to keep me good and angry for probably the rest of my life.  What am I talking about?  Goddamn magicians, of course. 

Magicians; the worst kind of scum to ever walk the earth.  Ugh, just thinking about them makes me want to throw up.  Now, I’m not talking about storybook magicians like Merlin or Gandolf the Gray.  I’m cool with all that shit.  Any sort of imaginary magic or stories about magic is just fine.  In fact, I’m a huge Harry Potter fan!!!  It’s the real magicians that make me want to tear down skyscrapers and swim in pools of blood. 

I’m talking about pieces of shit like David Coppefield , Chris Angel and the biggest fattest turd of them all, David Blaine.  Ugh.  Just typing these motherfuckers names is enough to make my skin crawl.  The lies, the deception, the superiority of it all.  I just want to cut off their heads and post them on pikes in front of my house. 

Why?  I think there’s more than enough reasons to hate magicians but here are a few in case you’re not fully convinced yet.  David Blaine.  I think I may have complained about him before.  This asshole does “street magic.”  What “street magic” is is you stand around on the street minding your own business, waiting for a bus or something and supreme asshole, David Blaine, comes up to you and bothers you.  Now, most of the time when I am out on the street, it means that i am going somewhere.  I have a destination.  If i’m going somewhere, it means I’m busy and I don’t have time to watch some asshead bite a quarter in half or pull a two of diamonds out of his asshole.  I’m busy.  I mean what if I was trying to put out a fire, or what if I was an EMT trying to get a dying patient into a hospital.  Fuck off with your street magic David Blaine. 

David Copperfield.  Uhh, he rapes people and, he’ll probably get away with it.  Why?  We shouldn’t be allowed to call people magicians.  It punches my inner child right in the face to say it but magic isn’t real.  The world would be super sweet if it was but alas, tis not and we just gotta deal with it.  Magicians should be called illusionists because that’s all they really do, create illusions.  And what is another name for illusionist?  Hmmm, how about liar?  I wouldn’t be suprised if they take Copperfield to court and he gets off by throwing a bunch of nasty pigeons all over the courtroom and distracing the jury.  Not only should this asshole go to jail for raping that poor woman, they should also rip out his arma and legs for lying to everybody about it.  Piece of shit. 

Chris Angel.  If you can even look at this guy for more than two minutes, my hat goes off to you.  This goram guy is a real piece of work.  Not only does he dress like he’s ready to attend any random Marilyn Manson show that happens to appear out of thin air, he takes himself sooooo seriously.  He’s always like, “this is the most dangerous trick I’ve ever attempted.”  Yeah right, you turd.  You wouldn’t get near anything that has a chance at scuffing up your $300 learther pants.  I only pray that i am wrong about this and you accidently end up blowing yourself up or falling off a tall building.  You make me sick. 

And it’s not just these guys.  It’s all magicians.  These guys are the best of the best and if you are an aspiring magician, you probably look up to these dickweeds and for that you get no love from me.  Just watch out for these pricks.  If you’ve got a shitty uncle or something that finds quarters behind your ear, just stop talking to him until he stops.  Illusionists can be stopped.  It starts with you and me.                             

Currently watching : Hocus Pocus Release date: 04 June, 2002

Found: Bag of Cat Turds
Current mood: Sextronic
Category: Sextronic Blogging

I found a bag cat turds this weekend.  I don’t know whose they are but if you can describe the bag and said turds inside I will hand the bag over to you.  Most of the turds appear to be in pretty good shape.  Pretty fresh.  Probably not more than a couple days old.  Whoever this bag belongs to better pick em up quick before they get all stale. 

I found them out by the dumpster but I don’t know why anybody would throw away a perfectly good bag of cat turds.  I figure somebody was just looking for a sandwich in the dumpster or something and forgot to pick the bag of turds back up before they left.  Well, no need to worry, I found them!!

You can call me @330-883-8629 and I can meet you somewhere with the bag of turds.  Perhaps a nice restuarant (French or Italian) where we can discuss what it is you plan to do with the turds.  I mean I can think of plenty o things to do with them myself but alas they aren’t my cat turds and I don’t want to be unfair.  I know if somebody found my bag full of feline feces and went ahead and used it for whatever they pleased without my permission, I would be a little peeved.  So, here is my attempt to find you owner of the bag of cat poop found out by the dumpster behind Southport Ave.  Just call me up and describe the bag and turds and I’ll bring em right over. 

Someday I’ll get my own cat with it’s own turds but until then I’ll just have to live out my feline crap fantasies through you.  Call soon!!     

Currently watching : The Nude Traveller Club Orient St. Martin, French West Indies Release date: 26 January, 2007

Current mood: JOhn Cougar Mellancampish
Category: JOhn Cougar Mellancampish Blogging

I fuckin miss Zsa Zsa Gabor.  I always found her very entertaining.  I guess she’s still alive but is like all bed ridden and shit.  Poor Zsa Zsa. 

Hey, remember that time when she slapped that police officer?  Man, that was awesome.  Zsa Zsa Gabor doesn’t take shit from anybody.  I bet she like slaps her doctors around when they are trying to make her take her medicine and stuff.  That’s my Zsa Zsa.  A real firecracker. 

A lot of people think she was the chick on Green Acres.  I got news for you suckas. I know my Zsa Zsa better than that.  It was actually her twin siter Eva who starred in Green Acres.  Eva wasn’t as cool as Zsa Zsa.

Hey, remember the time Zsa Zsa Gabor was in that movie, Frankenstein’s Great Aunt Tillie?  I do.  Man, she was great in that movie.  So fabulous.  So dignified.  Definately in my top 10.   

I’ve been following Zsa Zsa Gabor’s life for quite some time now.  I guess you could say I’m a big Zsa Zsa Gabor fan.  But who isn’t, right?  I mean, I can’t think ofganybody who dislikes Zsa Zsa Gabor.  What reason would they have? 

Hey, remember the time Zsa Zsa Gabor ate that entire thing full of Baby Ruth minis?  Man, that was awesome.  She sure loves Baby Ruth minis.  Zsa Zsa has a real sweet tooth…for Baby Ruth minis.  I’ve got a sweet tooth for her. 

What about the time Zsa Zsa Gabor saved the earth from that meteor?  Remember that?  She all like blasted off into outer space in her rocket ship and drilled into the meteor with her oil rig team.  Man that was awesome.  I was all sad when Ben Affleck was like “I love you, Zsa Zsa!”  He should have been the one who stayed on that rock to die. 

Or what about the time when Zsa Zsa Gabor revealed to the world that she could spray liquid gold out of her own asshole?  Remember that?!  The world markets were saved!  Everyone finally had enough gold with Zsa Zsa shitting it out by the bucketloads.  I got me a Rolex that day. 

I’m sure you remember the time Zsa Zsa Gabor was framed for killing R.K Maroon but flat-footed detective, Eddie Valiant, proved her innocence seconds before she was to be sprayed with “dip” and erased forever.  That  was a close one.  Come to think of it, that was the same day Toontown was saved. 

Oh, Zsa Zsa.  You’ve done so much for us and I don’t feel there is enough I can do to repay my great debt to you.                   

Currently watching : Hard Target Release date: 01 July, 1998

Current mood: Ouch!
Category: Ouch! Blogging

This weekend, me and my best friend Becca totally had the best time ever.  Why you ask?  Because this weekend was mall party weekend!!!!  It all started at the Orange Julius where Becca and I were totally scamming on some hot guys.  One guy noticed Becca checking out his butt and he totally came over to talk to us.  I …thought…I…was…going…to…die!!!! 

Then, oh my god, he was like, “My name’s Rob.” 

And Becca was like, “Like Rob Schneider?”  I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard.  She is soooooo bad! 

So then Rob Schneider was all like, “You girls wanna go for a ride in my…car?” 

I was all like “No thank you.  I don’t feel like being molested today.”  Besides we had shopping to do.  Becca got his phone number anyway.  She is such a slut! 

After what I like to call “The Rob Schneider Food Court Fiasco” Becca and I got down to business.  Shoes!!!!!

They were totally having a sale and Coburn’s and I still had some sweet sixteen money left so I’m sure you can figure out what happened next.  We totally went to Coburn’s!!! 

Becca found a pair of these totally cute open-toed sandals that were half off.  (I was gonna get the same ones too but Becca said I could borrow them any time I wanted to so I didn’t.  I totally love her!!!)  I was going to get these totally awsoem green boots I’ve had my eye on for a long time and then I saw it.  It was like there was light shining down on it from above.  A red Benito Scarapellinogrostagi handbag on sale marked down from $300 to only 50 bucks!  I screamed right there in the middle of Coburn’s.  A securtiy guard came over to see what was wrong and Becca and I just kept giggling.  He must have thought we were a couple of nuts!   

I didn’t quite have enough for the bag and the boots but after I saw that bag I was all like, “What boots?” 

I didn’t even have them wrap it up.  I wore it right out of the store.  I just put my old bag inside of it.  Benito Scarapellinogrostagi bags are known for having a lot of space but I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that.  Anyway, after what I like to call the “Coburn’s Benito Scarapellinogrostagi Handbag Fiasco” Becca and I needed to pig out out on some pizza!  So it was back to the food court.  We figured it was safe and there was no way Rob Schneider was still lurking around. 

Becca and I got some slices and as we go to sit down, Tiffany and Tessa show up!  I totally had not seen them since fifth period on Friday so I gave them both a big hug.  Of course they both noticed my bag right away.  They were jealous and I was loving it.  Tiffany and Tessa are like totally two of my best friends but I totally hate them.  And then you’ll never guess what happened.  Tessa put her hand inside the bag and guess what she pulls out?  A severed finger!  Gross!!! 

We all screamed.  Me, Becca, Tiffany and Tessa.

Well of course I had to return the bag.   We all marched back to Coburn’s and I told the lady about the finger.  She was all like, “I’m sorry but you can’t return the bag because it’s a sale item.” 

I was all like, “What?” 

And Becca was all like, “There was a finger in it.” 

And the lady was all like, “How do I know you didn’t put the finger in there yourself?” 

We were about to leave but then I looked down at the lady’s hand.  She was totally missing a finger!  She must have seen that I noticed because before I could even say anything, she pulled a laser gun out from behind the counter and fired it at me.  Thank God Becca pushed me out of the way.  ( I love her!!!)  The laser ended up burning a hole through Tiffany and she died.  If you ask me she had it coming ever since she stole Jordan Miller away from me in th 6th grade. 

Anyway, the crazy lady was screaming all this stuff about “Ruining the plan and displeasing Lord Zantar” all while shooting her laser gun at at us.  I didn’t know what she was talking about but she sure was mad.  I didn’t know what to do.  I…totally…thought…I…was…going…to…die. 

Suddenly, there was a huge explosion and a car crashed thought the wall.  You’ll never guess who it was.  It was Rob Schneider!  He shot back at the lady with another laser gun and was all like, “Get in!  I’ll explain later.” 

I was more worried about getting killed by lasers than about taking rides with strange boys by that point so I got in the car.  Becca and Tessa too.  Rob Schneider got back in the car and sped off.

Rob started telling us about how he was a secret government agent and how the evil alien “Lord Zantar” was preparing to take over the earth.  I thought he was hot before but after I found out he was a secret agent I think I fell in love.  We drove for a little while and then there was another huge explosion. 

This part of the story has been classified by the US Government as Top Secret. 

So then I was all like, “See you in hell Zantar.”  And I stabbed him with the Sword of the Pretender.  I ran to Becca to see if she was ok.  She was.  Tessa however, was dead.  Zantar had sucked all of her brains out of her skull.  Gross!!  I walked over to Rob Schneider and he was like, “You done good Matt Kelley.  You done good.”  Then he kissed me.  It was the best weekend ever.           

Currently watching : Donkey Skin Release date: 10 May, 2005