Beefy, The Summer Snowman
Monday, July 16, 2007
Current mood: Gigantic!!!
Category: Gigantic!!! Blogging
Gather round children and I’ll tell you a tale. A tale of the best friend I ever had…
It was a hot July afternoon last summer. All the neighborhood kids were joyfully playing in the streets; throwing rocks at cars, shooting bottle rockets at each other, fighting. Old Ma and Pa Stankomopolis were just about ready to fire up the grill to cook up some of their famous frozen all beef patties.
Pa Stankomopolis put out his cigarette in an uncooked burger, lit the match and tossed it into the grill. Well, there must have been some magic in that uncooked meat cuz when Pa Stankomopolis lit that grill, Beefy the Summer Snowman appeared in all his glory.
He was made of ground chuck meat with two match light charcoal eyes and a nose made from a King Cobra forty ounce bottle. The children were so amazed by Beefy they even stopped beating the hell out of each other in the streets. Everyone gathered around to get a look at their new friend.
Beefy sat down in an empty lawn chair and began smoking cigarettes and telling surly jokes to all the children. It was a very good time. I had never laughed so hard in all of my days.
Beefy yelled at Pa Stankomopolis to cook him a burger and all the kids agreed. They all wanted burgers!
The children began to rip at Beefy’s flesh to have Pa Stankomopolis cook them up some of the most delicious friend they had ever seen. Some kids just ate the meat from Beefy’s body raw. Beefy said stuff like “Owww” and “Get the hell away from me you little brats,” but we all just laughed. We were having such a good time.
Beefy was there all afternoon. He showed us pictures of a whore he had known in Vietnam and taught us all how to make a bomb out of tin foil and toilet bowl cleaner.
All of a sudden Suzy McTiptoes, the little neighbor girl down the street fell on the sidewalk and cracked her head open. It was a terrible sight. There was blood everywhere! And I mean everywhere! It was all over everybody’s clothes and all over the food. I mean, you wouldn’t even think that a little girl would have so much blood inside her but Suzy did.
Ma Stankomopolis ran up to Suzy and slipped in her blood. She took little Suzy’s pulse and informed us all of the sad news. Little Suzy McTiptoes, the little girl from down the strret, was dead. Everyone began to eat more burgers in mourning.
Then someting happened. Beefy got up out of his lawnchair for the first time and walked over to little Suzy’s limp lifeless body. I tried explaining to him what it meant to be dead, but Beefy wasn’t listening. No, he was glowing!
Beefy began to absorb all of little Suzy’s blood into all of his meat cracks. All the blood on all our clothes and burgers we were eating was being sucked right up into Beffy’s meat crevices. Pretty soon, Beefy was blood red with all the blood. I didn’t think a snowman made out of meat could have so much blood inside him, but then again I was wrong about how much blood you can fit inside a little girl.
Beefy began to cough and gag and then the most amazing thing happened! Beefy puked up all the blood back onto little Suzy. It was the bloodiest thing I had ever seen! Then something even better happened. Little Suzy began to twitch and scream. She was alive! She had cheated death and it was all thanks to Beefy!
Little Suzy wouldn’t shut up about all the terrible things she had seen on the other side, but we didn’t care as long as she was ok. We all kept thanking Beefy and he kept telling us to leave him the hell alone and to cook him another burger. Then he would rip off some of his meat and hand it to us.
The afternoon was great. I asked how long Beefy could stay because he was starting to stink from all the rotten meat in the sun. He told me that wasn’t going nowhere. I assumed this meant that he was going somewhere but when he wouldn’t leave I realized it was just bad grammar. It was getting late and the BBQ was just about over. I told Beefy that he had to go now, but he laid a mean guilt trip on me about how he fed everybody and saved the little girl and he asked if he could crash on my couch for a couple of days. Reluctantly, I said it was cool.
Suddenly it started to rain. Now the BBQ was really over. All the children started to scramble; picking up all their rocks and bottle rockets. We all shuffled into my house and looked at the rain outside.
To our surprise Beefy was still out there. Appearantly, he was stuck in a lawnchair. I heard him screaming. It was the worst noise I ever heard. Finally he got out and made a run for the door. He had just about got to it when…wham! I locked the door. Beefy began to pound and scream. He said that the water was killing him, that it felt like acid. He was slowly dying. The neighbors and I all watched as Beefy the Summer Snowman melted into a pile of meat on my porch step, cursing all of our names with his last breath.
Later that day I met my best friend, Sam Phillips.
Currently watching :
Red Sonja
Release date: 06 July, 2004