Matt Kelley is Great.com

Current mood: Covered in Blood
Category: Covered in Blood Blogging

Greetings blog readers!!!  Hey, it’s been a while since I’ve posted a new blog but I think my dormant phase is over and I should be posting regularly again.  (I am now picturing two people half clapping in front of their computer with lackluster enthusiasm.)  Anyway, like it or not, I’ll be writing dumb blogs again.  Here goes!!

So, there are a few different reasons why i haven’t been blogging lately.  I’ve been busy with other things, I’ve been very tired, the weather has gotten cold and left me less than inspired, etc.  All these things come into play a little bit but I think there really is one huge reason why I haven’t been writing.  Simply, I haven’t been pissed off enough.

Life has been pretty sweet lately.  I don’t really have anything to complain about.  If you’ve read this blog before, i’m sure you would agree that most of the time I’m basically just complaining about shit that makes me angry.  So, it makes sense that once I stop being angry, the need to write dissolves too. 

Well, rest assured readers.   I’ve found something to keep me good and angry for probably the rest of my life.  What am I talking about?  Goddamn magicians, of course. 

Magicians; the worst kind of scum to ever walk the earth.  Ugh, just thinking about them makes me want to throw up.  Now, I’m not talking about storybook magicians like Merlin or Gandolf the Gray.  I’m cool with all that shit.  Any sort of imaginary magic or stories about magic is just fine.  In fact, I’m a huge Harry Potter fan!!!  It’s the real magicians that make me want to tear down skyscrapers and swim in pools of blood. 

I’m talking about pieces of shit like David Coppefield , Chris Angel and the biggest fattest turd of them all, David Blaine.  Ugh.  Just typing these motherfuckers names is enough to make my skin crawl.  The lies, the deception, the superiority of it all.  I just want to cut off their heads and post them on pikes in front of my house. 

Why?  I think there’s more than enough reasons to hate magicians but here are a few in case you’re not fully convinced yet.  David Blaine.  I think I may have complained about him before.  This asshole does “street magic.”  What “street magic” is is you stand around on the street minding your own business, waiting for a bus or something and supreme asshole, David Blaine, comes up to you and bothers you.  Now, most of the time when I am out on the street, it means that i am going somewhere.  I have a destination.  If i’m going somewhere, it means I’m busy and I don’t have time to watch some asshead bite a quarter in half or pull a two of diamonds out of his asshole.  I’m busy.  I mean what if I was trying to put out a fire, or what if I was an EMT trying to get a dying patient into a hospital.  Fuck off with your street magic David Blaine. 

David Copperfield.  Uhh, he rapes people and, he’ll probably get away with it.  Why?  We shouldn’t be allowed to call people magicians.  It punches my inner child right in the face to say it but magic isn’t real.  The world would be super sweet if it was but alas, tis not and we just gotta deal with it.  Magicians should be called illusionists because that’s all they really do, create illusions.  And what is another name for illusionist?  Hmmm, how about liar?  I wouldn’t be suprised if they take Copperfield to court and he gets off by throwing a bunch of nasty pigeons all over the courtroom and distracing the jury.  Not only should this asshole go to jail for raping that poor woman, they should also rip out his arma and legs for lying to everybody about it.  Piece of shit. 

Chris Angel.  If you can even look at this guy for more than two minutes, my hat goes off to you.  This goram guy is a real piece of work.  Not only does he dress like he’s ready to attend any random Marilyn Manson show that happens to appear out of thin air, he takes himself sooooo seriously.  He’s always like, “this is the most dangerous trick I’ve ever attempted.”  Yeah right, you turd.  You wouldn’t get near anything that has a chance at scuffing up your $300 learther pants.  I only pray that i am wrong about this and you accidently end up blowing yourself up or falling off a tall building.  You make me sick. 

And it’s not just these guys.  It’s all magicians.  These guys are the best of the best and if you are an aspiring magician, you probably look up to these dickweeds and for that you get no love from me.  Just watch out for these pricks.  If you’ve got a shitty uncle or something that finds quarters behind your ear, just stop talking to him until he stops.  Illusionists can be stopped.  It starts with you and me.                             

Currently watching : Hocus Pocus Release date: 04 June, 2002