Matt Kelley is Great.com

Current mood: Itchy
Category: Itchy Blogging

I have a question.  Who the fuck invented allergies?  Huh?  Who did it?  Well whoever did it is a real arsehole.   

I feel like I want to scratch my eyes out of my skull. They itch so bad I want to stick forks into them.  Of course, however, I can’t do that because then I wouldn’t be able to see and that would be bad because I do enjoy looking at things. 

And another thing, asshole who invented allergies; why did you make allergies that can adapt to different medications?  Huh?  WHY would you do that?  You think it’s funny to be a total dick?  I’ve been through 6 or seven different kinds of allergy pills and none of them work for more than 2 days.

Maybe I need different living conditions.  Maybe I need to be locked inside a sterile environment where there’s no dust and no pollen.  Yeah.  I bet you’d like that Mr. Allergy Inventor.  With me out of your way, you’d be free to construct your doomsday laser.  Well, I got news for you buddy.  I’m not going into that sterile no dust/pollen environment unless there’s an XBOX 360 with all the games and a never ending bag of weed in there. 

Until then, you can keep on inventing stronger allergies and I’ll keep sniffing, sneezing and fantisizing about shoving forks into my skull.  You son of a bitch.

You do know that inventing allergies is a really lame way to get somebody right?  It’s irritating at best.  Very irritating in fact, but if you were really out to get me, why don’t do something that might actually snuff me out for good.  Like poison my food.  I eat food every day multiple times.  I’m sure it would be way easier to dust a little Ajax on my chicken sandwich than spending night and day slaving away in a laboratory inventing allergies. 

What kind of supervillian sets out to annoy his enemies?  You seriously are a lame arch nemesis.  What if the Red Skull put saran wrap over Captain America’s toilet seat?  I’ll tell you waht would happen.  You’d have a really lame comic book plot on your hands.  Even more lame than when Captain America was still alive.  What are you?  6?  Stop inventing allergies. 

I don’t even care if you are 6.  I don’t care if you are a super genius 6 year old with a crazy underground laboratory.  If you are the one inventing allergies, I am going to find you and I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. 

Mark my words.