Matt Kelley is Great.com

Current mood: breezy
Category: Blogging

I think if I ever had to join a prison gang, I would join the black gang.  Now I know what you’re thinking; Matt Kelley, why would anybody ever put YOU in prison? 

Well, you never know.   I might commit grand larceney some time.  I mean, I don’t know what grand larceny is, so I may inadvertantly do it some day.  Maybe grand larceny is just a wrong way of tying your shoe.  I always double knot my shoe laces just in case it is, but you know, sometimes they still come untied. 

Hopefully, I don’t go to prison of course but it’ll be good to have a plan just in case.  They say you either kick somebody’s ass on the first day or become somebody’s bitch.  I figure I’ll just kick everyone’s ass and then they’ll let me join any prison gang I want.  Now you’re probably now thinking; Matt Kelley, why don’t you just kick the guards asses too and leave prison?  Well, it is tempting but if I’m in prison, I’m probably there for a good reason.  I probably tied my shoe incorrectly and committed grand larceny.  I’ll serve my time. 

Normally it would probably make sense to join a white gang like the Aryan Nation but I don’t want to be in their gang.  I think if you join that gang, you have to get a bunch of crappy tattoos and stuff.  I don’t think I would look good with a spiderweb tattooed on my neck or a swastika on my forearm.  Just not for me.  Plus, there is the whole being racist thing.  No thanks.   

The black gang would be down with me too because I’m sorta into hip hop.  I’ll be all like, “Wu-Tang!!” and I’ll throw up the west side hand gesture.  I think they will know that I am street.  Plus, I have a huge wiener so I am sorta like a black person already.

My first act as a white person in a black prison gang will be to get better living conditions in the prison.  First off, no walls.  What’s the worst part about being in prison?   You can’t leave.  There are high walls and lots of barbed wire.  With that being said, the barbed wire would have to go too.  If you could just walk around outside of the prison to see your friends or your girlfriend and stuff, it probably wouldn’t be so bad.  I mean, I’ll still be in prison.  I just won’t be IN prison. 

Of course, I’ve never been in prison before, but from what I see in the movies, the food sucks.  My second act as a white person in a blck prison gang would be to get a real chef in there.  In the movies they always have prisoners making the food.  That doesn’t make sense.  They’re not cooks, they’re prisoners.  They eat the food.  They’re not supposed to cook it.  I would get Wolfgang Puck to cook the food, or Emeril.  Probably Emeril, because then when he says “BAM!!” I could shank somebody on the yard for talking trash about me and nobody would hear it.      

Currently watching : Bicentennial Man Release date: 2000-06-13

Current mood: Itchy
Category: Itchy Blogging

I have a question.  Who the fuck invented allergies?  Huh?  Who did it?  Well whoever did it is a real arsehole.   

I feel like I want to scratch my eyes out of my skull. They itch so bad I want to stick forks into them.  Of course, however, I can’t do that because then I wouldn’t be able to see and that would be bad because I do enjoy looking at things. 

And another thing, asshole who invented allergies; why did you make allergies that can adapt to different medications?  Huh?  WHY would you do that?  You think it’s funny to be a total dick?  I’ve been through 6 or seven different kinds of allergy pills and none of them work for more than 2 days.

Maybe I need different living conditions.  Maybe I need to be locked inside a sterile environment where there’s no dust and no pollen.  Yeah.  I bet you’d like that Mr. Allergy Inventor.  With me out of your way, you’d be free to construct your doomsday laser.  Well, I got news for you buddy.  I’m not going into that sterile no dust/pollen environment unless there’s an XBOX 360 with all the games and a never ending bag of weed in there. 

Until then, you can keep on inventing stronger allergies and I’ll keep sniffing, sneezing and fantisizing about shoving forks into my skull.  You son of a bitch.

You do know that inventing allergies is a really lame way to get somebody right?  It’s irritating at best.  Very irritating in fact, but if you were really out to get me, why don’t do something that might actually snuff me out for good.  Like poison my food.  I eat food every day multiple times.  I’m sure it would be way easier to dust a little Ajax on my chicken sandwich than spending night and day slaving away in a laboratory inventing allergies. 

What kind of supervillian sets out to annoy his enemies?  You seriously are a lame arch nemesis.  What if the Red Skull put saran wrap over Captain America’s toilet seat?  I’ll tell you waht would happen.  You’d have a really lame comic book plot on your hands.  Even more lame than when Captain America was still alive.  What are you?  6?  Stop inventing allergies. 

I don’t even care if you are 6.  I don’t care if you are a super genius 6 year old with a crazy underground laboratory.  If you are the one inventing allergies, I am going to find you and I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. 

Mark my words.    

Current mood: Slimy
Category: Slimy Blogging

I think I’m going to start an underground kitten fighting league.  I’m not sure if kitten fighting is actually illegal.  It probably is but whatever.  I think I can make hella scrill. 

Since that football dude went to jail for having all those dog fights I bet there’s a bunch of people lookin for something to gamble on.  That’s where kitten fights comes in. 

I’m gonna get as many of the baddest, toughest kittens I can find, breed them into super-kittens and have fights in my living room, thunderdome style.  Two kittens enter, one kitten leaves.  Actually, maybe I’ll make it exactly like thunderdome.  I’ll build a thunderdome and put a bunch of tiny weapons inside it.  Then I’ll strap rubberbands around the kittens and watch them fight to the death. 

I know people usually like dog fighting, but here’s the deal.  My apartment is very small and there’s no way I’ll be able to keep a bunch of big loud smelly pitbulls in here.  I’ll totally get busted.  Plus, pitbulls are way bigger and I think if I buried four of them, my backyard would be full of dead pitbulls.  Whereas kittens are much smaller, I can fit more dead ones in the backyard.  Also, kittens will be easier to keep in the apartment.   

I mean, I’ll feel sorta bad for being responsible for having all this kitten blood on my hands but I’m sure all the money I’m gonna make will cheer me up.  I just hope the ghosts of the dead kittens don’t haunt me too bad.  That would suck. 

Oh yeah, and to make it even more like Thunderdome, I’ll dress up like Tina Turner and be all crazy and yell and shit.  Then at the end of every night of kitten fights, I’ll sing that song that’s like, “We Don’t Need Another Hero”  That will be the kitten fight theme song.  It will be fuckin sweet. 

I aslo sort of want it to be like WWF (or WWE whatever) so the kittens will have personas and theme songs when they come out to fight.  Also, feel free to dress your kitten up in a flashy costume to intimidate it’s opponent.  Did I mention that other people are welcome to bring their kittens?  Well, they are.  In fact, I’d prefer it.  I don’t mind keeping a kitten farm in my apartment but I can’t have all my kittens killing each other off so fast.  Anybody can bring their kitten to kitten fights but watch out cuz my kittens are gonna be real tough.  I’m gonna juice them up with kitten steroids too.  Kitten fighting won’t be regulated by any watchdog groups or anything.  Just pure exploitation of kittens for profit.  

Well, I better get to building that Thunderdome.  I need money to buy Christmas gifts for my family.       

Currently watching : UNITED 93/TWIN TOWERS VALUE 2PK (DVD) (TACO SLEEVE)