One time, when I was in college, I didn’t have any money. I was really hungry. The only thing I had to eat was a pound of bacon that was sitting in the refridgerator. I ate the whole pound of bacon by myself. My heart hurt after that happened.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
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Current mood: Nachos!! My roommate, Joe, is obcessed with Ethan Hawke. I don’t know how it started, but now it seems to be all he ever talks about. Ethan Hawke this, Ethan Hawke that. Dude is in love with Ethan Hawke. He swears its not a gay thing (but we all know that it’s totally a gay thing.) He says he just thinks that Ethan Hawke is a fantastic actor. I guess he’s ok. That movie, Gattaca, was one of the free movies on demand a couple months ago. I thought it was alright. I saw Training Day too. I thought it could have been a lot better. Joe of course thinks they are both fantastic pieces of cinematic brilliance. Whatever. Anyway, the reason I’m posting this blog is because Joe’s birthday is coming up and i know it would really make his day if he got some Ethan Hawke related birthday reminders. You know just like a picture of Ethan Hawke with a little quote that says something like “Hawke it to me” or “Hawke’s lookin at you, kid.” His email address is joedejulius@yahoo.com or you can send them to his work email which happens to be joe@zacuto.com . It would probably be better to send them to his work email. My desk is directly across form him and it would make me happy to see his face light up whenever he gets a special Ethan Hawke birthday message. Of course, if you want to send him a more personal Ethan Hawke note, I would use the personal email address. Say for instance if you wanted to photoshop Ethan Hawke’s face on a picture of a naked dude with a note that says “Me so Hawkey” you might want to send it to the yahoo address. But hey it’s up to you. So, if you have a couple of spare minutes today or even if you are reading this weeks in the future, I know Joe would love to get some Ethan Hawke related emails. So image google search away. Here are some more ideas in case you get stuck. Put Ethan Hawkes face on a picture of a jock strap and call it a “Hawke Strap.” Merge Ethan with a piece of chalk to make ”Ethan Chalk.” Get a picture of Fozzie Bear with Ethan Hawke and have the caption say “Hawka hawka hawka.” Put Ethan Hawke on a clock to make “Ethan Clock.” You could send Joe one of those boxes of assorted chocolates and put Ethan Hawke’s face on each one. “Assorted Hawkelettes” You could have a picture of a door and when you open the door there is a picture of Ethan Hawke. The caption could say “Hawke, hawke. Who’s there?”
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Monday, December 10, 2007
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Current mood: Covered in Blood Greetings blog readers!!! Hey, it’s been a while since I’ve posted a new blog but I think my dormant phase is over and I should be posting regularly again. (I am now picturing two people half clapping in front of their computer with lackluster enthusiasm.) Anyway, like it or not, I’ll be writing dumb blogs again. Here goes!! So, there are a few different reasons why i haven’t been blogging lately. I’ve been busy with other things, I’ve been very tired, the weather has gotten cold and left me less than inspired, etc. All these things come into play a little bit but I think there really is one huge reason why I haven’t been writing. Simply, I haven’t been pissed off enough. Life has been pretty sweet lately. I don’t really have anything to complain about. If you’ve read this blog before, i’m sure you would agree that most of the time I’m basically just complaining about shit that makes me angry. So, it makes sense that once I stop being angry, the need to write dissolves too. Well, rest assured readers. I’ve found something to keep me good and angry for probably the rest of my life. What am I talking about? Goddamn magicians, of course. Magicians; the worst kind of scum to ever walk the earth. Ugh, just thinking about them makes me want to throw up. Now, I’m not talking about storybook magicians like Merlin or Gandolf the Gray. I’m cool with all that shit. Any sort of imaginary magic or stories about magic is just fine. In fact, I’m a huge Harry Potter fan!!! It’s the real magicians that make me want to tear down skyscrapers and swim in pools of blood. I’m talking about pieces of shit like David Coppefield , Chris Angel and the biggest fattest turd of them all, David Blaine. Ugh. Just typing these motherfuckers names is enough to make my skin crawl. The lies, the deception, the superiority of it all. I just want to cut off their heads and post them on pikes in front of my house. Why? I think there’s more than enough reasons to hate magicians but here are a few in case you’re not fully convinced yet. David Blaine. I think I may have complained about him before. This asshole does “street magic.” What “street magic” is is you stand around on the street minding your own business, waiting for a bus or something and supreme asshole, David Blaine, comes up to you and bothers you. Now, most of the time when I am out on the street, it means that i am going somewhere. I have a destination. If i’m going somewhere, it means I’m busy and I don’t have time to watch some asshead bite a quarter in half or pull a two of diamonds out of his asshole. I’m busy. I mean what if I was trying to put out a fire, or what if I was an EMT trying to get a dying patient into a hospital. Fuck off with your street magic David Blaine. David Copperfield. Uhh, he rapes people and, he’ll probably get away with it. Why? We shouldn’t be allowed to call people magicians. It punches my inner child right in the face to say it but magic isn’t real. The world would be super sweet if it was but alas, tis not and we just gotta deal with it. Magicians should be called illusionists because that’s all they really do, create illusions. And what is another name for illusionist? Hmmm, how about liar? I wouldn’t be suprised if they take Copperfield to court and he gets off by throwing a bunch of nasty pigeons all over the courtroom and distracing the jury. Not only should this asshole go to jail for raping that poor woman, they should also rip out his arma and legs for lying to everybody about it. Piece of shit. Chris Angel. If you can even look at this guy for more than two minutes, my hat goes off to you. This goram guy is a real piece of work. Not only does he dress like he’s ready to attend any random Marilyn Manson show that happens to appear out of thin air, he takes himself sooooo seriously. He’s always like, “this is the most dangerous trick I’ve ever attempted.” Yeah right, you turd. You wouldn’t get near anything that has a chance at scuffing up your $300 learther pants. I only pray that i am wrong about this and you accidently end up blowing yourself up or falling off a tall building. You make me sick. And it’s not just these guys. It’s all magicians. These guys are the best of the best and if you are an aspiring magician, you probably look up to these dickweeds and for that you get no love from me. Just watch out for these pricks. If you’ve got a shitty uncle or something that finds quarters behind your ear, just stop talking to him until he stops. Illusionists can be stopped. It starts with you and me.
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Monday, November 19, 2007
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Found: Bag of Cat Turds I found a bag cat turds this weekend. I don’t know whose they are but if you can describe the bag and said turds inside I will hand the bag over to you. Most of the turds appear to be in pretty good shape. Pretty fresh. Probably not more than a couple days old. Whoever this bag belongs to better pick em up quick before they get all stale. I found them out by the dumpster but I don’t know why anybody would throw away a perfectly good bag of cat turds. I figure somebody was just looking for a sandwich in the dumpster or something and forgot to pick the bag of turds back up before they left. Well, no need to worry, I found them!! You can call me @330-883-8629 and I can meet you somewhere with the bag of turds. Perhaps a nice restuarant (French or Italian) where we can discuss what it is you plan to do with the turds. I mean I can think of plenty o things to do with them myself but alas they aren’t my cat turds and I don’t want to be unfair. I know if somebody found my bag full of feline feces and went ahead and used it for whatever they pleased without my permission, I would be a little peeved. So, here is my attempt to find you owner of the bag of cat poop found out by the dumpster behind Southport Ave. Just call me up and describe the bag and turds and I’ll bring em right over. Someday I’ll get my own cat with it’s own turds but until then I’ll just have to live out my feline crap fantasies through you. Call soon!!
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