Matt Kelley is Great.com

Current mood: JOhn Cougar Mellancampish
Category: JOhn Cougar Mellancampish Blogging

I fuckin miss Zsa Zsa Gabor.  I always found her very entertaining.  I guess she’s still alive but is like all bed ridden and shit.  Poor Zsa Zsa. 

Hey, remember that time when she slapped that police officer?  Man, that was awesome.  Zsa Zsa Gabor doesn’t take shit from anybody.  I bet she like slaps her doctors around when they are trying to make her take her medicine and stuff.  That’s my Zsa Zsa.  A real firecracker. 

A lot of people think she was the chick on Green Acres.  I got news for you suckas. I know my Zsa Zsa better than that.  It was actually her twin siter Eva who starred in Green Acres.  Eva wasn’t as cool as Zsa Zsa.

Hey, remember the time Zsa Zsa Gabor was in that movie, Frankenstein’s Great Aunt Tillie?  I do.  Man, she was great in that movie.  So fabulous.  So dignified.  Definately in my top 10.   

I’ve been following Zsa Zsa Gabor’s life for quite some time now.  I guess you could say I’m a big Zsa Zsa Gabor fan.  But who isn’t, right?  I mean, I can’t think ofganybody who dislikes Zsa Zsa Gabor.  What reason would they have? 

Hey, remember the time Zsa Zsa Gabor ate that entire thing full of Baby Ruth minis?  Man, that was awesome.  She sure loves Baby Ruth minis.  Zsa Zsa has a real sweet tooth…for Baby Ruth minis.  I’ve got a sweet tooth for her. 

What about the time Zsa Zsa Gabor saved the earth from that meteor?  Remember that?  She all like blasted off into outer space in her rocket ship and drilled into the meteor with her oil rig team.  Man that was awesome.  I was all sad when Ben Affleck was like “I love you, Zsa Zsa!”  He should have been the one who stayed on that rock to die. 

Or what about the time when Zsa Zsa Gabor revealed to the world that she could spray liquid gold out of her own asshole?  Remember that?!  The world markets were saved!  Everyone finally had enough gold with Zsa Zsa shitting it out by the bucketloads.  I got me a Rolex that day. 

I’m sure you remember the time Zsa Zsa Gabor was framed for killing R.K Maroon but flat-footed detective, Eddie Valiant, proved her innocence seconds before she was to be sprayed with “dip” and erased forever.  That  was a close one.  Come to think of it, that was the same day Toontown was saved. 

Oh, Zsa Zsa.  You’ve done so much for us and I don’t feel there is enough I can do to repay my great debt to you.                   

Currently watching : Hard Target Release date: 01 July, 1998

Current mood: Ouch!
Category: Ouch! Blogging

This weekend, me and my best friend Becca totally had the best time ever.  Why you ask?  Because this weekend was mall party weekend!!!!  It all started at the Orange Julius where Becca and I were totally scamming on some hot guys.  One guy noticed Becca checking out his butt and he totally came over to talk to us.  I …thought…I…was…going…to…die!!!! 

Then, oh my god, he was like, “My name’s Rob.” 

And Becca was like, “Like Rob Schneider?”  I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard.  She is soooooo bad! 

So then Rob Schneider was all like, “You girls wanna go for a ride in my…car?” 

I was all like “No thank you.  I don’t feel like being molested today.”  Besides we had shopping to do.  Becca got his phone number anyway.  She is such a slut! 

After what I like to call “The Rob Schneider Food Court Fiasco” Becca and I got down to business.  Shoes!!!!!

They were totally having a sale and Coburn’s and I still had some sweet sixteen money left so I’m sure you can figure out what happened next.  We totally went to Coburn’s!!! 

Becca found a pair of these totally cute open-toed sandals that were half off.  (I was gonna get the same ones too but Becca said I could borrow them any time I wanted to so I didn’t.  I totally love her!!!)  I was going to get these totally awsoem green boots I’ve had my eye on for a long time and then I saw it.  It was like there was light shining down on it from above.  A red Benito Scarapellinogrostagi handbag on sale marked down from $300 to only 50 bucks!  I screamed right there in the middle of Coburn’s.  A securtiy guard came over to see what was wrong and Becca and I just kept giggling.  He must have thought we were a couple of nuts!   

I didn’t quite have enough for the bag and the boots but after I saw that bag I was all like, “What boots?” 

I didn’t even have them wrap it up.  I wore it right out of the store.  I just put my old bag inside of it.  Benito Scarapellinogrostagi bags are known for having a lot of space but I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that.  Anyway, after what I like to call the “Coburn’s Benito Scarapellinogrostagi Handbag Fiasco” Becca and I needed to pig out out on some pizza!  So it was back to the food court.  We figured it was safe and there was no way Rob Schneider was still lurking around. 

Becca and I got some slices and as we go to sit down, Tiffany and Tessa show up!  I totally had not seen them since fifth period on Friday so I gave them both a big hug.  Of course they both noticed my bag right away.  They were jealous and I was loving it.  Tiffany and Tessa are like totally two of my best friends but I totally hate them.  And then you’ll never guess what happened.  Tessa put her hand inside the bag and guess what she pulls out?  A severed finger!  Gross!!! 

We all screamed.  Me, Becca, Tiffany and Tessa.

Well of course I had to return the bag.   We all marched back to Coburn’s and I told the lady about the finger.  She was all like, “I’m sorry but you can’t return the bag because it’s a sale item.” 

I was all like, “What?” 

And Becca was all like, “There was a finger in it.” 

And the lady was all like, “How do I know you didn’t put the finger in there yourself?” 

We were about to leave but then I looked down at the lady’s hand.  She was totally missing a finger!  She must have seen that I noticed because before I could even say anything, she pulled a laser gun out from behind the counter and fired it at me.  Thank God Becca pushed me out of the way.  ( I love her!!!)  The laser ended up burning a hole through Tiffany and she died.  If you ask me she had it coming ever since she stole Jordan Miller away from me in th 6th grade. 

Anyway, the crazy lady was screaming all this stuff about “Ruining the plan and displeasing Lord Zantar” all while shooting her laser gun at at us.  I didn’t know what she was talking about but she sure was mad.  I didn’t know what to do.  I…totally…thought…I…was…going…to…die. 

Suddenly, there was a huge explosion and a car crashed thought the wall.  You’ll never guess who it was.  It was Rob Schneider!  He shot back at the lady with another laser gun and was all like, “Get in!  I’ll explain later.” 

I was more worried about getting killed by lasers than about taking rides with strange boys by that point so I got in the car.  Becca and Tessa too.  Rob Schneider got back in the car and sped off.

Rob started telling us about how he was a secret government agent and how the evil alien “Lord Zantar” was preparing to take over the earth.  I thought he was hot before but after I found out he was a secret agent I think I fell in love.  We drove for a little while and then there was another huge explosion. 

This part of the story has been classified by the US Government as Top Secret. 

So then I was all like, “See you in hell Zantar.”  And I stabbed him with the Sword of the Pretender.  I ran to Becca to see if she was ok.  She was.  Tessa however, was dead.  Zantar had sucked all of her brains out of her skull.  Gross!!  I walked over to Rob Schneider and he was like, “You done good Matt Kelley.  You done good.”  Then he kissed me.  It was the best weekend ever.           

Currently watching : Donkey Skin Release date: 10 May, 2005