September 21, 2007 - Friday

Current mood: Pumped
Category: Pumped Blogging

So, my friend Jenny K who is a teacher was explaining charter schools to me the other day. I hope she doesn’t mind me using a direct quote of hers but she said, “Charter schools are way weird. Essentially anyone can create a school. Like, you could start the Matt Kelley Academy if you wanted.”

Click. Of course I should start a school. I even stole the name she suggested. I added “for wicked children (of the night) because wicked children are totally better than regualr children (I don’t really like kids) and if they are children of the night that means they are little badasses. Cool. My school will only accept bad ass kids.

Here’s the syllabus:

ANTH 356-25/ ITS 356-25/ ANTH 651-25
MATT KELLEY’S AWESOME CLASS OF SWEETNESS, SPRING 2008–EB, ROOM 128
TUESDAY & THURSDAY, 5:45AM—7:50 PM

Instructor: Matt Kelley (pronounced “Kelly”)
E-Mail: totallygaymuppet@yahoo.com Fax: 934-9896
Phone: 934-7984 (direct), 934-3508 (department)
Office Hours: Karaoke Bar, Tuesday & Thursday 10:15 PM—2:00 AM, or by appointment

TEXTS: Mostly Harry Potter books. We will probably also read some Swartzwelder books but most likely most class time will be spent watching TV.

This course is an exploration of the concepts of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, pizza, and Matt Kelley, and their intersections with anthropological theory and practice. We will analyze the forces of Snakeman, pizza, and weed from a variety of perspectives, addressing the following questions:

· How do theories of weed and pizza build upon and extend earlier ideas of awesomeness?
· How have the audio/visual signs and markers of pizza, Snakeman, and weed become embedded and contextualized in our daily lives and practices?
· What’s Matt Kelley’s favorite Buffy Episode?
· How do differences in such factors as snakes, bulldogs, tigers, guns, tacos, and blood shape one’s experiences of globalization, migration, and transnationalism?
· What are the connections between snakes/bulldogs and pizza? Do the forces of snakes/bulldogs have a liberatory potential, or do they merely reinforce the existing hegemony (or contribute to the formation of a new one)?
· Who benefits the most from eating too much pizza? Who suffers the most? (Hint: Both answers are Matt Kelley)

COURSE REQUIREMENTS:
20 % First Paper (5 - 6 pages, typed, double-spaced). Due Whenever

20 % Second Paper (5 - 6 pages, typed, double-spaced). Due Whenever.

20 % Class presentation (3 - 4 minutes). Presentation dates will be scheduled throughout the quarter. If I get too stoned we will skip the presentations.

30 % Third Paper (9 - 10 pages, typed, double-spaced for undergraduates. 18 - 20 pages for
graduate students). Due Whenevs.

10 % Attendance and Participation. If you skip class and sit in the back I will probably think you are pretty cool.

LATE POLICY FOR PAPERS:
Late papers will receive better grades—the later, the the better. I’m gonna have to read a bunch of these things and my guess is that most of them will probably be terrible. Keep em short and apply generous helpings of smart ass attitude and we will be cool. Number of late days includes weekends and days between classes. The following are acceptable methods of handing in late papers.
1.) The Slam Dunk
2.) On fire.
3.) Crumpled up and left in the hallway.

Since the date automatically appears on faxes and e-mails, using these methods will be to your advantage if you are handing in your paper after I have already left for the day or the weekend.

Your participation in class discussions is welcomed and encouraged. Mostly we will just talk about how great of a show Buffy the Vampire Slayer is. Readings should be completed before the class in which they are to be discussed if we aren’t too drunk. If you do not understand a part of the readings, lectures, or assignments, you probably ate a bunch of acid which is pretty cool. Papers will be graded for amount of times the word “Zool” is used in text and how much food you spilled on it.

SCHEDULE OF READINGS, LECTURES, AND FILMS:

Week 1 Buffy: Isn’t it a Sweet Ass Show?

3/27 Introduction to Buffy
Exploring Willow, Xander and Giles

3/29 Buffy’s Relationships
In depth discussions of Angel, Riley and Spike.

Week 2 Pizza: Awesomest food ever

4/3 Deep Dish

4/5 Toppings and Sauces

Week 3 Weed

4/10 ***First Paper Due***
Smoking it and it’s effects.

4/12 Rolling and joint and selecting a dealer.

Week 4 Vacation

Week 5 More Vacation

4/26 ***Second Paper Due*** Unless we are on vacation which we will be.

Week 6 Beer

5/1 Overview of beer and drinking it

5/3 Shitty beer vs. Good Beer. Pros and Cons.

Week 7 Honestly, I’ll probably be tired of this after 7 weeks.

5/8 This is boring lets do something else.

5/10 Starting a school was a gay idea.

Week 8 Rethinking Career Choices

ANTH 356-25/ ITS 356-25/ ANTH 651-25
Paper Topics
1) Weed

2) TV

3) Food

That’s it.

Structure:
1.) introductory paragraph with a clear thesis statement and list of main points to be discussed,
2.) sections referring to each of the main points, and
3.) a conclusion summarizing what you discussed in the body of the paper.

If you quote or paraphrase information and ideas, you are a cheater Plagiarism is a serious academic offense and will result in a lowered grade unless you steal from Gore Vidal. He’s a dick. Avoid writing a paper which consists either of
1.) a bunch of gay stuff

or

2.) too much boring shit

ANTH 356-25/ ITS 356-25/ ANTH 651-25
Class Presentation

This is your opportunity to conduct a 15 to 30 minute section of the class through a “show-and-tell” format.

1.) Bring something cool like a skull or a dog.

2.) Bring your item to class in a form so that everybody can see/hear it at the same time. For instance, if you bring drugs, bring enough for everybody. Don’t skimp pack. None of this three dollare nickel bag bullshit. Roll a fatty or just don’t do the goddamn assignment.

3.) In an oral presentation (huh-huh oral), analyze the item you selected. Dissect its details, nuances, symbolism. Discuss how it relates to three points from the readings or class discussions. Or don’t. I don’t give a fuck.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, THINK CREATIVELY AND HAVE FUN!!!

Currently watching :
Kick to Get Fit Jr. - For Kids
Release date: 01 December, 2003

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September 18, 2007 - Tuesday

Current mood: Lost In Spaaaaaaaaaaaaace!!!!! Category: Lost In Spaaaaaaaaaaaaace!!!!! Blogging I don’t have enough time for a full blog today so instead here are some ideas for the Conan O’Brien show that I have.  I used to really like Conan O’Brien but I watched it a few times this week and man has it gotten terrible.  All they do is rip on celebrities.  I do hate me some celelbrities but the show used to have so much imagination and I’d like to see them go back to that.  These ideas are cheap and easy to execute.  So all you Late Night NBC writers who read this blog (because I am so sure that you spend your days reading random myspace blogs) please send me a check if you decide to steal these ideas.  Also I threw in a couple of dumb celebrity bashing ideas (even though I hate [the ideas]) in case the others are too crazy.  I guess you guys did win an Emmy so I don’t know why you would want to change anything.  Anyway, here are my dumb ideas.            DESK PIECES “Sexy Skeleton Calendar” Pictures of a plastic skeleton in provocative poses are taken.  One for each month of the year.  Pictures include skeleton in lingerie, skeleton in the shower, skeleton washing a car, skeleton lying on a beach, skeleton in fireman outfit, skeleton on green field, Max Weinberg in bed with a skeleton, etc.  “Late Night Lost And Found” Conan goes through lost and found items left by celebrities that have “appeared” on Late Night in the past.  Items include Britney Spears lost underwear, Lindsay Lohan’s crack pipe, and Paris Hilton’s chastity belt.  Conan finds severed fingers that belong to one of the band members or actor in the audience.   “Ask Zantar” The Dark Lord Zantar, a fiendish hell demon, gives advice to actors planted in the audience.  The actor asks a question and Zantar suggests terrible things that the actors accept as good advice.  When an actor asks for advice on what to do about a messy roommate, Zantar tells him to anoint himself with raccoon blood and hypnotize the roommate into being their unholy slave.  Zantar could also give cooking tips.              “Mustache Burglar” Late Night is interrupted by the evil menacing laugh of the evil Moustache Burglar.  The Moustache Burglar unveils the fiendish plot he used to steal Conan’s moustache.  Conan informs the Moustache Burglar that he does not have a moustache and that the moustache that he has obviously belongs to somebody else.  A detective who claims the moustache belonged to his father then confronts the Moustache Burglar.            “Scenes From the Snake Pit” Conan reveals that behind the guest chair on the set there is a pit of deadly snakes.  Apparently, the snake pit has always been there but NBC is too cheap to do anything about it so Late Night has always just shot around it.  We then find out that somebody accidentally dropped a camera into the snake pit last week and we now have a live feed of what the snakes actually do in the snake pit.  After Conan explains that the footage is scary and not for the weak of heart, we cut to the snake pit where we see rubber snakes performing scenes from classic plays such as “Our Town” and “The Glass Menagerie.”  “The Late Night Boring Ghost” Late Night is haunted by a ghost played by a guy in a white sheet.  However the ghost can’t do anything scarier than turn the lights on and off.  When Conan asks what the ghost wants, the ghost tells him he wants help rolling up loose change or organizing his stamp collection.  Because the tasks are so mundane and boring, Conan refuses.  The ghost follows him around with a laser pointer until Conan agrees to help him roll up his change.  “TV Emmys You Missed” Nominees for Emmy awards that do not actually exist are announced on Late Night.  Conan challenges the audience to guess what award the celebrities where nominated for.  Example:  The Nominees are; Kid Rock, Britney Spears, Tommy Lee and Jed Clampet.  And the award for Trashiest Hillbilly goes to, Britney Spears.  Currently watching : Warriors 50 Movie Pack Collection Release date: 18 April, 2006

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September 17, 2007 - Monday

Current mood: Cock-a-doodle-duuuuuuuude
Category: Cock-a-doodle-duuuuuuuude Blogging

It’s true. The moustache is the root of all evil. You can’t trust a guy with a crumb catcher on his face. Do people call them crumb catchers? Probably not. It doesn’t really make sense unless you eat cookies upside down. Anyway, the point is that moustaches are bad.

Now, I’m sure that some people will disagree with me here. You’ll be all like, “My dad has a moustache and he’s not evil.” Well, I’m sorry to have to be the one to break this to you but if your dad has a moustache, he is evil and must be stopped immediately. Trust me. Go through all his stuff and I guarantee you’ll find some evil shit. Skulls and potions and stuff.

I’m sure you prbably don’t want to kill your dad and that is understandable. While killing your dad is probably the best option to stopping evil moustaches from taking over the world, there are others. You can always chain him up in the basement or freeze him in Carbonite like Han Solo.

Hopefully, your dad doesn’t have a moustache and you don’t have to do anything to him. If he has a beard, he is probably ok. It’s just moustaches that make you evil. Remember, it’s not the person that is evil, it’s the moustache. It can happen to anybody (who can grow a moustache.) It’s a parasitic relationship. The moustache feeds off of nice things that people say and do, Then they take that energy and turn it into raw unadulterated evil. It’s sad. I’ve seen good men cross over to the evil moustache crew.

I guess if it’s the moustache that makes you evil the easiest alternative is just to shave it off. That’s better than killing you dad or freezing him in Carbonite. You could just shave his face while he is asleep. Best option, thus far. Sorry. I didn’t do as much research as I should have. I’m sorta just coming up with this as I go along.

The bigger and thicker the moustache is, the more evil the host will be. Like if you have one of those pencil thin John Waters moustaches you most likely are only a little bit evil. (For the record, John Waters is not evil at all. He is an exception to the rule.) But if you have a big old Wild West bushy moustache, watch out cuz you are evil as fuck.

Like John Waters, there are a few exceptions. Sometimes people need moustaches. Like if you reenact Civil War battles, you sort of need to have a moustache. Everyone was evil back then. That’s actually what the Civil War was all about. People will tell you it was about slavery and trade and and stuff but no. It was really about moustaches. Both sides had em too. The fight was over who’s moustaches were thicker and fuller and therefore lead to who was more evil. Clearly, the North eviled the hell out of the South. So, if you reenact Civil War battles it’s ok to have a moustache. It doesn’t make you evil, just realy nerdy and more than likely gay.

Speaking of gay; gay dudes with moustaches are ok too (like John Waters). Gay dudes know how to rock some style and some of them (though very few) can pull off a moustache.

I’m sure there are other exceptions too but I can’t think of any right now. Best bet, just kill people with moustaches. Less chance of letting somebody evil get away. Yeah yeah, killing is wrong but I’d like to hear you say that after a guy with a moustache chops off your head and eats your brains with one of those flat wooden spoons that they give you with those frozen chocoate malt thingies. I’m telling the tuth. Trust me.

Currently watching :
Passenger 57
Release date: 27 May, 1998

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September 12, 2007 - Wednesday

Current mood: deadly
Category: deadly Blogging

Hey Kids. It’s your pal Matt Kelley here with an important message about smoking. There’s a lot of rumors out there about smoking and I’m here to set the record straight.

Kids, you shouldn’t smoke as many cigarettes as me. There are a few reasons for this but most importantly, as I found out this week, if you smoke like a bastard as I do you will get the laid the fuck out when you catch a cold. The past three days all I’ve been able to do is lay in bed and not smoke. It totally sucks. Everytime I cough I feel like I’m going to die. Now this may just be a personal preference of mine but I prefer feeling alive rather than on the verge of death.

Now, I’m not condemning cigarettes altogether. They definately have their benefits. First off, they totally do make you look cool. Probably a lot cooler than you actually are. Without cigarettes, the marlboro man is just another asshole cowboy and Joe Camel is just some dumb camel in a tuxedo sweating his ass off in the desert. Second, you get way more breaks at work if you smoke cigarettes. Waiters and waitresses help me out here. If you work at a job where everybody except you smokes, you will end up working way harder than anybody else there. Guaranteed. Reason three: coffee and cigarettes. Coffee and cigarettes is almost extinct now but you if you get these two things and one other person, you are almost always guaranteed one of the best conversations you will ever have. And what are you supposed to do after sex kids? Blow bubbles? You gotta smoke after sex. That’s what they do in the movies. Movies wouldn’t lie to you (I would).

So here’s what you kids gotta do and it pains me to say it. (Deep breath followed by a series of coughs) You have to use moderation. Smoke when you need to look cool in front of that special somebody and then after you bang them, have another smoke. Coming from somebody who deals almost exclusively in extremes this is not an easy thing to say. The old me would say smoke until you die and that’s probably what i’ll end up doing but it’s definately not a good idea. I’ll probably get cancer and die. Maybe that doesn’t sound so bad. Maybe some of you kids like cancer. I don’t know. Cancer doesn’t sound so fun to me, but neither does quitting smoking. We’ll see what happens.

On a related note kids, this blog is specifically about smoking cigarettes. As far as pot goes, you should smoke as much of that stuff as you can get you hands on. Just make sure it doesn’t make you lazy. It sometimes has a knack for that. Anyway, see you all in hell, kids.

-MK

Currently watching :
Reba - Season 3
Release date: 25 April, 2006

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September 6, 2007 - Thursday

Current mood: Smooookin
Category: Smooookin Blogging

Life is awesome, don’t get me wrong. But every once in a while something comes along that makes me embarrassed to be a human being. Well, in most cases I’m just embarrassed to be an American but you’ll get the idea. I’m sure they have stupid fads and dumb celebrities in France too, I just don’t live there. Anyway, here is a list of things that aren’t really around anymore (thank God) but made me want to die at the height of their popularity.

1) Austin Powers impressions: Do I make you horny, baby? No, you don’t. You make me want to go hide in a hole for 30 years. When I was 17 i went to New york City and watched a taping of Conan O’Brien. Before the show started, a comedian came out to warm up the audience. He was ripping on people and everybody was having a good time. Then he started making fun of this hillbilly dude and the hillbilly replied with, “Do I make you, randy baby?” Dead silence. Way to start the show on a downer. Why did people think they were funny when they said this? It was barely funny when Mike Myers did it in the movie. It made me want to to kill myself.

2) Beanie Babies: Hey I paid $200 for a piece of cloth stuffed with beans. Wow. You’re dumber than you look. First of all, why the fuck were these things popular and second, what kind of moron shells out that kind of cash for beans? Those little fuzzy sacks better be full of magic beans that grow into beanstalks that take you into a magical world of big-titted mermaids and shit. I remember there being a national shortage of these things and people were paying out the ass for them. Yeah. Great investment. How much is your beanie baby worth today? Nothing? What a surprise.

3) Britney: As far as i’m concerned the whole Britney thing is over. Once you go crazy like that it’s pretty hard to bounce back. I may be wrong about this but i pray to God that i’m not. People actually liked Britney Spears. She was obviously manufactured by record producers and people were either tricked by it or they just didn’t care. Either way, it’s really sad. I can’t even find the humor in it, I’m so infuriated by this girl. I guess it all ended well. Her breakdown was almost worth all the merchandise and bad music shoved in my face for the past 8 years. I thought we learned what happens when you give a young person an unlimited amount of money and no authority figures with Michael Jackson. Oh well, those who don’t learn from the past…

4) Pogs: Heh heh. What a silly idea. Pogs were dumb but they don’t make me want to die like the other things on this list. I can actually appreciate their sillyness. If anything has to come back, it’s pogs. They were just milk caps! People made the biggest deal out of them. (For about a week) Who wants a collection of milk caps? Are people going to start collecting empty cereal boxes or those little ties that keep your bread bag sealed? I don’t know about you guys but when my milk is empty I throw the bottle in the trash. I don’t play games with the caps.

5) Jim Carrey Quotes: Same as the Austin Powers thing. All phrases from “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” and “The Mask” should be banned from the english language. Nuff Said.

There’s about 65,000 more things I’d like to put on this list but i have to go to work now. Word.

Currently watching :
Chairman of the Board
Release date: 11 August, 1998

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September 5, 2007 - Wednesday

Current mood: Tacolicious Category: Tacolicious Blogging I request a meeting with the Prime Minister of Mosquitos.  Those little mothers bit the hell out of my ankles this weekend and now I’m pissed.  Why would those little jerks do that?  I don’t drink their blood.  How come they think it’s cool to drink mine?  Tell you what Prime Minister of Mosquitos, it’s not cool.  I want my blood back.  You see I need my blood.  It’s sort of what keeps me alive.  I need it so oxygen can get to different parts of my body.  If you buttheads keep taking all my blood my body parts will stop working and that’s not good.  Over the years i’ve grown accustomed to all parts functioning smoothly.  I’m not ready to sacrifice my body parts for your race to survive.  I’m sorry.  I know you don’t think you’re drinking a lot of blood but you fuckers had to have bitten me at least 100 times.  It’s like the whole homeless people thing.  I can’t give change to every homeless person I run into.  If I did, I would be homeless and much like i enjoy having all my blood, I enjoy having a place to live.   I don’t know.  I think I’m proposing a valid argument but that’s just me.  You know what else?  You little bastards spread malaria and West nile virus.  Thank you, but I’d rather not contract either of those diseases.  Do you guys think people like having malaria?  Well i got news for you.  We don’t.  Malaria sucks.  Cut it out.  You know what mosquitos?  What do you guys even do?  Huh?  Why are you here?  Do you actually serve a purpose in the ecosystem or are you guys just here to steal my blood and piss me off?  Man you guys are jerks. Other animals never try to take my blood away from me.  Maybe you should take a few leesons from them.  Like monkeys.  I never met a monkey that wanted to drink my blood.  I’m going to set up a meeting between you and the President of Monkeys and we’ll see if we can’t work something out.  Monkeys eat bananas.  Have you guys ever tried a banana?  Fruit flies like bananas.  Maybe you would too.  I don’t really like bananas myself but it’s gotta be better than blood.  There’s another thing I don’t get.  What’s with drinking blood?  That’s sort of nasty.  I eat meat and stuff but i don’t drink blood.  Blood is N-A-S-T-Y.  You mosquitos have it all wrong.  I suggested bananas earlier but maybe you would like tacos instead.  I really like tacos.  If I could choose to eat anything in the world, tacos would be near if not at the top of the list.  I suggest you guys give tacos a try and stop drinking my blood.  I think I’ve stated my case.  I’m not happy about you guys taking my blood and making me all itchy.  It’s quite uncomfortable for me.  But I think we can reach an alernative for you that will make everybody happy.  I’ve made some suggestions and maybe you have some counter-offers.  Please let me know.  I am open to more dialogue about the subject.  You can reach me here.  i hope we can come to a reasonable agreement soon.  However if i see one of you little fuckers biting me while i am waitng for your response, I will kill you.     Currently watching : Knife in the Water

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