Matt Kelley is Great.com

August 30, 2007 - Thursday

Category: Blogging

I never had a problem with my mother trying to get me to eat my peas when i was a little guy. Part of this is because we rarely ever ate peas but I think the main reason is because I actually like peas. They are yummy little guys. Put some butter (or some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Spray for those of you with high chloresterol) on those puppies and you’re good to go. Mmmmmm. Yummy yummy peas.

The other thing that ilike about peas is that are easy to control with your mind. If you will a pea to do something, 90% of the time it will obey. They won’t do anything evil like destroy you’re enemies or push old ladies down flights of stairs. No, peas are friendly little buddies. For the most part they are quite good-hearted.

They will do things like get the remote for you if it’s too far away or lay your clothes out for work while you are in the shower. They are so great, peas. I love them….

Ok, I think they’re gone. All that stuff I said about peas earlier is all bullshit. The peas made me write it. They are evil little bastrds. Don’t trust them. Don’t trust the peas! They kidnapped my family and said if i didn’t write something very nice about them, they would torture my cat, Chewbacca. I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do.

I wish broccoli was here. Now there’s a real vegetable, broccoli. He would know what to do about these evil peas. I think the peas are stealing my stuff. I can hear them ripping the copper wiring out of the walls. Oh broccoli where are you? You are so big and strong. You are king of all the vegetables….

Ok, I think he’s gone. All that crap I said about broccoli was bullshit. There was a stalk of broccoli in here and he had a knife. He said he would stab me if I didn’t write bad things about the peas and great things about him. He said he had to make a phone call and I locked him out. If you see this dangerous character out on the street,call the cops. He’s about three feet high. He’s green and he has a knife and a cell phone. Man I’m glad he’s gone.

Truth is, tomatoes are the best damn vegetable there is. Or is it a fruit? Whatever. All I know is, I was at the grocery store the other day and there was this tomato in the produce section and he was smoking a huge joint. He asked if I wanted to hit it and i was all like “fuck yeah.” The tomtato came home with me and we got funky Not like sex funky or anything but like party down funky. We watched The Simpsons on DVD and ordered a pizza. Then we listened to records and the tomato gave me a mixtape of his favorite songs.

I think this may be hands down the stupidest blog I ‘ve ever written…and I’ve wrote some doozies. Oh well. Can’t win them all. I’ll try again tomorrow.

Currently watching :
Xanadu
Release date: 20 July, 1999

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August 29, 2007 - Wednesday

Current mood: Rubbery
Category: Rubbery Blogging

This Friday I will be attending the opera. I will be escorting a large pitbull. I don’t really like the opera but the large pitbull really wants to go. I didn’t think large pitbulls were really the types of characters that attend operas but I guess this large pitbull goes to them all the time.

I had to call ahead to the opera house. You know, to let them know that I would be escorting a large pitbull. Appearantly, most opera houses don’t allow large pitbulls. I guess they are afraid that the pitbulls will bark loudly during the performance or jump up on the stage and pee or something. I assured the opera house manager that the large pitbull I will be escorting is very well behaved.

The hard part was finding a tuxedo made for a large pitbull. If it were a smaller dog like a chihuahua or a lhasa apso it would have been much easier. They make all kinds of silly clothes for those foo foo dogs. Like I said before, pitbulls rarely attend operas and consequently don’t often have a need for a tuxedo. I found one eventually but it wasn’t easy.

I’ve escorted dogs to many other places before; the park, the vet, outside in general but never an opera. The large pitbull is very excited about our date. I however, am not so excited. I don’t really like the opera. Plus, tickets are pretty expensive. The large pitbull promises that he will pay me back for the tickets but as far as I know he doesn’t even have a job. I guess it doesn’t really matter. I owe the large pitbull a favor.

A few years ago, I was on African Safari with my mom and some of her friends from the country club. Our caravan got stuck in some mud and we were surrounded by hungry lions. I don’t know where he came from but just as the lions were about to eat us, the large pitbull appeared with a bag full of gruit roll-ups. We all had a good laugh. The lions decided not to eat us. Turns out lions really like fruit roll-ups.

The opera we’re seeing is Italian. That kind of sucks because I don’t speak Italian at all. I know a little Spanish and I guess that’s pretty close but still I don’t think I know enough Spanish to understand an entire opera written in Italian. I’ll probably be leaning over a lot to the large pitbull to ask him to explain what is going on. I’m pretty sure he speaks Italian or at least understands it.

I just can’t wait to get it over with. I know the large pitbull saved me and my mom and her friends from the country club from getting eaten by lions but once this Friday is over I’m done with large pitbulls all together. I like dogs, but this large pitbull is always borrowing my stuff and leaving my cabinets open. Last Wednesday the large pitbull came over and drank all my Gatorade. Then he put the empty bottle back in the refridgerator. What a jerk!

After this Wednesday, I’m washing my hands of this particular large pitbull for good. I don’t want to say all pitbulls as not to seem dog racist. I feel that dog racism is a growing problem in society today and I’m doing my best to avoid becoming a part of it. I must admit though, this large pitbull is making that task quite difficult.

Two weeks ago, this large pitbull brought over a bunch of his friends to play poker. I had a quiet night of reading planned and then out of nowhere 6 large pitbulls just stop by to play poker until two in the morning. I lost forty bucks too. I can’t wait for Friday to be over.

Currently watching :
Shrink Your Female Fat Zones
Release date: 19 August, 2003

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August 28, 2007 - Tuesday

Current mood: Chinese Category: Chinese Blogging Ok.  I get it.  You want me to buy Fallout Boy’s record.  You want me to think that that asshole bass player is a hot piece of manmeat and you might even want me to but a ticket for a movie starring Fallout Boy in the near future.  Let’s just get it out of the way right now.  Thank you, but I respectfully decline more Fallout Boy.  In fact, I would really appreciate it if you could get rid of them altogether.  It’s ok.  You made a mistake.  Everybody makes mistakes sometimes.  No please just make them go away and let us never speak of them again.  Let’s just do whatever demon incantation we need to do and send them back to whatever bad “punk rock” hell dimension they came from.  We should all learn a lesson from this.  It’s not polite to shove no-talent boy bands down people’s throats.  I thought we learned our lesson with Vanilla Ice and NKOTB in the early 90’s.  I guess not.  Then again we should have learned it with The Backstreet Boys, NSYNC and the whole Britney Spears fiasco a decade later.  Once again, I overestimated your intelligence.  For this I apologize.  I should have spoke up sooner.  So, just so we are straight now; please no more Fallout Boy…ever.  No more bad music, no more commercials, please never make a movie and for god sakes please no more of that asshole tattooed bass player.   You do know that guy is the bass player right?  He’s not the lead singer or the even the guitarist.  He’s the bass player.  Nobody likes the bass player.  It’s the easiest job in the band.  He just plays root notes.  Sure the bass can be a cool instrument to play but not if you are in a bad “punk rock” band.  If I had a 10 year old cousin, I would say “My 10 year old cousin can play bass as good as that douchbag from Fallout Boy.”  That guy sucks.  Please stop glorifying him.  He’s a little bitch.  While we are sending terrible things back to the hell in which they came, please send back Tom Cruise, Lindsay Lohan, Britney, Male Models, Cauliflower, hillbillies and a little more than half of the Madonna personalities.  I’ll keep Vogue Madonna, Victorian Madonna,  Dick Tracy Madonna, Leather Queen Madonna, and All the Way May.  You can have Slut Madonna, “With Honors” Madonna, Cross burning Pepsi Madonna (not because of the cross burning but because of the Pepsi), “Rain” Madonna, Kaballah Madonna, Guy Richie Madonna, and mommy Madonna.  Please send them all back to hell.  I’m glad we had this talk.  I uinderstand that you want to make records and sell those records for lots of money but come on, these guys?  I mean, if you’re going to do that just let me know and i’ll save one of my turds for you.  My turds could probably make way better records than Fallout Boy or half of the Madonnas.  Just give them a chance.                         Currently watching : Old Men in New Cars Release date: 04 October, 2005

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