Confession #3
I will do almost anything for a girl who looks good in a denim skirt as long as she asks nicely. Actually no, she doesn’t even have to ask nicely she just has to ask.
I will do almost anything for a girl who looks good in a denim skirt as long as she asks nicely. Actually no, she doesn’t even have to ask nicely she just has to ask.
Monday, July 23, 2007
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Current mood: Ray is a Taco Man, I sure like having days off of work. Don’t you? Of course you do. There aren’t quite enough Holidays in the year for me to get paid for not going to work so I propose that everybody (or at least America) adopt some new Holidays. There are lots of cool things in the world that aren’t quite appreciated enough. Why not dedicate a holiday to them? Here are some suggestions: National Walrus Day- On this proposed Federal Holiday, Americans will band together to celebrate lazy oafish sea mammal, the walrus. Everybody gets to be real lazy. You sit around and watch TV in the sun all day. Also, you eat a bunch of food with your friends and/or family, mostly fish. However, you aren’t allowed to cook on National Walrus Day so you have to order out for fish. This is unfortunate for most fish delivery boys but hey, you can’t shut everthing the fuck down. April 19th. Shut Everything the Fuck Down Day-I guess I was wrong. Maybe you can shut everything down. On this proposed Holiday nobody works. Everybody just takes off work and gets drunk as fuck. Make sure you buy enough alcohol in advance because there won’t be any stores or bars open. On this day Americans will remember what it’s like to live in the dark ages and get drunk off their asses. There are probably A LOT of reasons why this Holiday wouldn’t work but what the fuck, right? September 10th. Please Don’t Kill Me, Robot Day!!-We all know it’s coming eventually. Robots will at some point take over the world and make us (humans) into their slaves. Why not start celebrating now? On this day, people will smash their microwaves and toaters in the streets and run to the hills in fear of their lives. Not the most pleasant holiday out there but it still beats Sweetest Day. Yuck. Janurary 23rd. Wednesday-Have you ever taken a Wednesday off in the middle of the week? It’s bad ass. It’s like a Saturday in the middle of the work week. If any of these Holidays actually get approved, I’m hoping for this one. It pretty much takes care of the whole not having enough Holidays problem. It adds 52 holidays to the calendar. I don’t even care what people do. Anything they want I guess. Every Wednesday of the year. Purple Punk Rock Prirate Week-On this proposed Holiday Americans will finally be able to celebrate all of their favorite things at once. These things of course being pirates, punk rock music and the color purple. Everybody will listen to the Adolescents really loud while talking like a pirate and throwing purple paint all over the place for an entire week. Sounds like fun, right? Right. First week of November. Do The Damn Thang Day-You know that thing that you’ve been trying to get done forever but could never find the time? Well this day is your day to “Do The Damn Thang.” You don’t have to work so you got time to get that thing done. If you don’t have anything to do then you can work. I’m sure the fish delivery boys could use some help. So those are a few new Holiday ideas. I think they are good but most people will probably think they are stupid. Whatever. If you have any other holiday ideas, feel free to post them here and I will send a letter (along with some dog doo) to the president for consideration of said Holidays. Until then, I still have to go to work.
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Saturday, July 21, 2007
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I Guess Opposites Don’t Really Attract That Well So, Paula Abdul has a new reality TV show called “Hey Paula.” I watched it. It’s just as dumb as any other reality show. See just goes about her daily business and America is supposed to laugh at how crazy she is. Thge show is nothing special but I did notice something that I didn’t expect. It appears that MC Skat Kat is out of the picture. Maybe I’m just out of the loop, but I always assumed that after that song they got married and lived happily ever after. When did they break up? How come nobody ever told me about it? Half the news you see today is about boring celebrity relationships and finally one comes along that actually sparks my interest and I hear almost no gossip about it at all. It must have been an ugly breakup too cuz on the episode of “Hey Paula” that I saw they didn’t even talk about MC Skat Kat at all. They sang about it so much in that song I thought the realtionship was bound to last at least a few years but on the other hand, if somebody kept stealing the covers of a bed that I always had to make I would probably break up with them too. My theory is that MC Skat Kat was the one to blame for the end of their relationship. It’s hartd to trust your boyfriend who partys all night when you’re the kind of girl that goes to bed early. He probably also took the relationship too lightly while Paula was taking it serious. Of course it always takes two to fail at a relationship. Maybe if Paula Abdul just let herself get into MC Skat Kat’s world a little more the relationship wouldn’t have ended so soon. Judging from the lyrics of the song, she does sound kind of lame. Maybe if she just tried a cigarette or stopped moving so slow once in a while she would have found that she actually like doing some of the same things MC Skat Kat likes. I guess the only thing they really had in common was the tap dancing. So, the moral of the story? Tap dancing is not enough to make a romantic relationship work. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbknGnZXHUk
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Wednesday, July 18, 2007
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Current mood: Crunchy If I ever have to have any type of surgery I know what Doctor I’m going to go to. Dr. Dre. I’m talking about Death Row records Dr. Dre too. Not that fat ass Dr. Dre from Yo! MTV Raps. Dude will hook me up with some dopalicious medical care. The waiting lounge will be all pimped out and instead of one of those plastic hospital wristbands that i fucking hate I’ll be wearing an iced out gold chain with my name and information on it. Pimp! I’ll be in the Doctor’s office kickin it in my velour hospital gown while some fly honey takes my blood pressure. Eventually, Dr. Dre will bust in. Of course, he’ll be smoking a blunt. “What seems to be the problem Motherfucker!?” he’ll say. I’ll puff puff give and be all like, “I think I need a liver transplant, Dr.” to which Dr. Dre will respond, “Aight bitch. Lay the fuck back.” As I am being prepped for surgery, tons of people will walk into the room. I’m talking like lots of people. Like all the people from that Coolio video, “Fantastic Voyage.” Some of them will be nurses and the anaestheologist will bring the bomb ass anaesthesia. Everybody else will just be hos and hustlers. I’ll hear some dope beats for a minute or two then I’ll be out. When I wake up, Dr. Dre will be all like, “Operation was a success, motherfucker.” I’ll celebrate my new liver by drinking loads of Old English and St. Ides Malt Liquor drinks. Snoop Dogg will be there by that time and he’ll give me a ride home. The next day, I’ll go to the Cash Money Millionaires Detal facility to get my teeth cleaned and iced.
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One time when I tried to quit smoking, I told everybody I was going to the library but I really just went to Taco Bell and ate 4 (crunchy) taco supremes by myself because I was craving a cigarette so bad.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Current mood: Shiny
Category: Shiny Blogging
It has come to my attention that I need an assistant. See, there are tasks required for my everyday life that either no longer have time for or no longer desire to perform anymore. I figure with an assistant I will have more time to do other things like hangliding and ultimate fighting.
Duties include: Heavy typing, script writing, video editing, light graphics work, working 40 hours a week at my job for me, taking ALL phone calls, paying bills, cooking for and bathing of Matt Kelley, changing the channel when something lame comes on TV, sending Christmas Cards, massage, purchasing of soft things, taking out the garbage, light laundry.
Basically, I’ll be like your kid so this would be a perfect job for somebody that wants to be a parent someday. If you want I can even bug you to buy me stuff at the store or wake up screaming in the middle of the night to make it seem more like you have a kid.
Actually, this job would probably be best for mom practice because I can’t really afford to pay any money. I promise not to crap myself or anything too so you can avoid that…for now.
Also, you should be totally foxy. I mean, you gotta have a foxy assistant. I think it’s a rule inthe assistant’s guide book or something. So, if you’re not foxy please don’t apply. Sorry, not my choice. It’s in the rule book.
So, if you’d like to be my assistant please write me an essay in 1,000,000 words or less about why you kick ass over all assistants. Bonus points if it’s all just bullshit that you make up. You can send a resume and references if you want to but the essay is the fun part. Resumes are totally a boring read and I probably won’t call your references because I have phonephobia.
I’d like to dedicate the rest of this bog to Beck’s Beer. Holy fuck Germans know how to make good beer! That should be their new slogan. If you’re hired as my assistant, your first task will be negotiating with the Beck’s people.
Currently watching :
Afro Samurai (Director's Cut)
Release date: 22 May, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
Current mood: Gigantic!!!
Category: Gigantic!!! Blogging
Gather round children and I’ll tell you a tale. A tale of the best friend I ever had…
It was a hot July afternoon last summer. All the neighborhood kids were joyfully playing in the streets; throwing rocks at cars, shooting bottle rockets at each other, fighting. Old Ma and Pa Stankomopolis were just about ready to fire up the grill to cook up some of their famous frozen all beef patties.
Pa Stankomopolis put out his cigarette in an uncooked burger, lit the match and tossed it into the grill. Well, there must have been some magic in that uncooked meat cuz when Pa Stankomopolis lit that grill, Beefy the Summer Snowman appeared in all his glory.
He was made of ground chuck meat with two match light charcoal eyes and a nose made from a King Cobra forty ounce bottle. The children were so amazed by Beefy they even stopped beating the hell out of each other in the streets. Everyone gathered around to get a look at their new friend.
Beefy sat down in an empty lawn chair and began smoking cigarettes and telling surly jokes to all the children. It was a very good time. I had never laughed so hard in all of my days.
Beefy yelled at Pa Stankomopolis to cook him a burger and all the kids agreed. They all wanted burgers!
The children began to rip at Beefy’s flesh to have Pa Stankomopolis cook them up some of the most delicious friend they had ever seen. Some kids just ate the meat from Beefy’s body raw. Beefy said stuff like “Owww” and “Get the hell away from me you little brats,” but we all just laughed. We were having such a good time.
Beefy was there all afternoon. He showed us pictures of a whore he had known in Vietnam and taught us all how to make a bomb out of tin foil and toilet bowl cleaner.
All of a sudden Suzy McTiptoes, the little neighbor girl down the street fell on the sidewalk and cracked her head open. It was a terrible sight. There was blood everywhere! And I mean everywhere! It was all over everybody’s clothes and all over the food. I mean, you wouldn’t even think that a little girl would have so much blood inside her but Suzy did.
Ma Stankomopolis ran up to Suzy and slipped in her blood. She took little Suzy’s pulse and informed us all of the sad news. Little Suzy McTiptoes, the little girl from down the strret, was dead. Everyone began to eat more burgers in mourning.
Then someting happened. Beefy got up out of his lawnchair for the first time and walked over to little Suzy’s limp lifeless body. I tried explaining to him what it meant to be dead, but Beefy wasn’t listening. No, he was glowing!
Beefy began to absorb all of little Suzy’s blood into all of his meat cracks. All the blood on all our clothes and burgers we were eating was being sucked right up into Beffy’s meat crevices. Pretty soon, Beefy was blood red with all the blood. I didn’t think a snowman made out of meat could have so much blood inside him, but then again I was wrong about how much blood you can fit inside a little girl.
Beefy began to cough and gag and then the most amazing thing happened! Beefy puked up all the blood back onto little Suzy. It was the bloodiest thing I had ever seen! Then something even better happened. Little Suzy began to twitch and scream. She was alive! She had cheated death and it was all thanks to Beefy!
Little Suzy wouldn’t shut up about all the terrible things she had seen on the other side, but we didn’t care as long as she was ok. We all kept thanking Beefy and he kept telling us to leave him the hell alone and to cook him another burger. Then he would rip off some of his meat and hand it to us.
The afternoon was great. I asked how long Beefy could stay because he was starting to stink from all the rotten meat in the sun. He told me that wasn’t going nowhere. I assumed this meant that he was going somewhere but when he wouldn’t leave I realized it was just bad grammar. It was getting late and the BBQ was just about over. I told Beefy that he had to go now, but he laid a mean guilt trip on me about how he fed everybody and saved the little girl and he asked if he could crash on my couch for a couple of days. Reluctantly, I said it was cool.
Suddenly it started to rain. Now the BBQ was really over. All the children started to scramble; picking up all their rocks and bottle rockets. We all shuffled into my house and looked at the rain outside.
To our surprise Beefy was still out there. Appearantly, he was stuck in a lawnchair. I heard him screaming. It was the worst noise I ever heard. Finally he got out and made a run for the door. He had just about got to it when…wham! I locked the door. Beefy began to pound and scream. He said that the water was killing him, that it felt like acid. He was slowly dying. The neighbors and I all watched as Beefy the Summer Snowman melted into a pile of meat on my porch step, cursing all of our names with his last breath.
Later that day I met my best friend, Sam Phillips.
Currently watching :
Red Sonja
Release date: 06 July, 2004
Friday, July 13, 2007
Current mood: hellafied
Category: hellafied Blogging
I wrote a scene about this not too long ago but I think it might come across better in blog form.
Roy Orbison is a ghost. I’m not saying he just became a ghost when he “died” a few years ago. I’m saying that Roy Orbison has always been a ghost. It’s pretty obvious once you think about it.
FACT:
Dude is always wearing sunglasses. I can’t think of any pictures of him without sunglasses on. Can you? Didn’t think so. I bet he even rolls Corey Hart Style.
THEORY:
Roy Orbison wears these sunglasses to hide his souless eyes. In fact, he doesn’t even have eyes, just dark black holes but he can still see by using his ghost powers. Plus, he uses his snake-like tongue to smell things around him…like a snake does.
FACT:
All Roy Orbison’s songs are about how lonely he is all the time.
THEORY:
Who’s more lonely than a ghost? Remember all those Casper the Ghost cartoons? They’re all exactly the same:
1) Casper wants somebody to play with him.
2) Nobody will play with Casper because he is a ghost.
3) Casper is lonely.
4) Casper finds some dumbass to play with him.
6) Dumbass plays with Casper.
7) Dumbass finds out Casper is a ghost and runs off screaming.
Casper is lonely.
Ghost are inherently lonely creatures. Just like Roy Orbison.
FACT:
Listen to the way dude sings. He sounds like a fucking ghost. He’s all like “Ooooooohhhhhhhhh” and “Bbbaaaaaaaaaabbbbbyyyyyyyyyyyy”
THEORY:
When you die your vocal chords are strongly affected, giving you a fluttery, wailing sort of voice. This is why ghosts always talk so spookaliciously.
FACT:
Roy Orbison has very light skin.
THEORY:
He’s a ghost.
So, those are the facts and those are my theories behind them. As I stated before, it’s pretty obvious. He’s a ghost. Roy Orbison is as much of a ghost as Joey Ramone is an alien. Actually, they kind of look alike so I think Roy Orbison might be a ghost from Joey Ramone’s home planet.
Now you’re probably thinking “Yeah right. If Roy Orbison is such a ghost how come he had all those songs in the 60’s through the 80’s.”
Quite simple actually, he got bored. I think Roy Orbison is at least 1,000,000 years old. If you were 1,000,000 years old you would probably get pretty bored too. So bored, you might even start writing songs. Plus, if you were a ghost all the song would be about how lonely you were (See Fact number 2.)
So the next question is “Why did he stop?” I’ll answer that with another obvious answer. Like most things, being a rock star gets old after 30 or so years. I think Orbison wanted to do other things. He’s probably haunting a castle in Europe somewhere. Most likely, he faked his own death (so nobody would find out that he was a ghost) and just took off.
But don’t worry, he’ll be back. Maybe not in this lifetime, but he’ll be back nonetheless. If he’s already 1,000,000 years old what’s another 1,000,000 years. No big, right?
Currently watching :
Hoopnotic Hoopdance Beginning Level 1
Release date: 15 October, 2006
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Current mood: Covered in Blood
Category: Covered in Blood Blogging
Man, cowboys are tough dudes. Back in the day of the cowboy, those dudes slept on rocks and stabbed each other all the time. I’m glad dudes today aren’t cowboys anymore. I guess there are some people that still claim to be cowboys but that’s pretty much bullshit cuz they don’t sleep on rocks or stab other dudes or have gunfights. People who claim to be cowboys now are usually just noodlebrains.
I would make a terrible cowboy. It’s really not my bag. First off I hate being dirty. Cowboys are totally filthy and even though they always hang out in the sun, they always have suits and jackets on. Most likely, that means they sweat a lot. Eww, nasty. I also hate sleeping outside. I’m down with soft beds or Tempurpedic memory foam, not like, rocks and stuff. Also, I’m probably pretty awful with a gun. I shot a small gun once and I guess I was ok, but I was no Annie Oakley.
The one thing I would be down with is all the swearing. Cowboys had filthy mouths and I can swear with the best of them. Actually, that probably isn’t a good thing. If I really were a cowboy with my shiny ass clothes and lack of gunfighting skills, I should probably keep the swearing to a minimum. I sure don’t want my guts pumped full of lead!
Oh yeah, also you have to be all proper to ladies and stuff and that kinda sucks. I don’t think it’s bad that you have to be nice when chicks are around, in fact it’s sort of a general rule I try to abide by. However, in the cowboy days there is all sorts of formality bullshit. I think you have to like take your hat off and stuff when you talk to girls. I don’t understand why. I think if I was talking to some old west chicks I would get real pissed off after a while of taking off my hat everytime I wanted to say something. Either that or i would just forget and then everybody would think me rude.
Currently watching :
Slap Bass: The Ultimate Guide
Release date: 11 February, 2003
Monday, July 02, 2007
Current mood: sugary
Category: sugary Blogging
I wanna go to a fancy restaurant. I wanna go there but i don’t wanna eat. I’ll probably have to dress up nice to get in but that’s ok. I like getting dressed up sometimes.
I wanna have a really snotty waiter. Preferably a snotty French waiter. I’ve never had a real snotty French waiter. It seems like one of those things you have to do before you die, have it out with a snotty French waiter.
When Jaques or Gerard or whatever the hell his name is asks me for my order, I’ll order the speghetti and meatballs. If they don’t have speghetti and meatballs, I’ll get the veal. It doesn’t really matter what I get, I’m not gonna eat it.
When my food arrives, I’m just gonna throw it on the ground and start gettin funky on it. I like speghetti and meatballs because it is particularly messy. I could get hella funkdified on a plate o that shit, but it doesn’t really matter. Almost any food can be messy. I’m gonna throw speghetti all over everbody in the restaurant and yell as loud as I can. I don’t know what I’ll be yelling, probably just commercial jingles or something.
People are gonna start getting mad, but I’ll just yell louder and start throwing their food everywhere. Everybody will be mad but they’ll probably enjoy it in hindsight. The waiters, however, will be a different story.
All the snotty French waiters will get out their nunchucks and brass knuckles and begin to advance towards me. Me? I’ll just have my blade. The waiters will try to get me but I’ll do some back flips and they won’t. I expect the kung-fu fight to last about 20 minutes with me being victorious of course. The French waiters will be easy to kill but then I’ll have to fight the Sous Chef and the Head Chef . I expect their kung-fu to be a little better than that of the snotty French waiters. It will be hard fighting the chefs but once I bust out my spin kick they’ll get the message.
Once everybody’s ass is kicked, I’ll pay my tab and head out to the disco for some much needed Boogie-Oogie-Oogie. Sure I’ll be tired from killing everybody in the restaurant, (the kitchen staff anyway, I have no intention of killing the patrons) but I always save a few backflips for disco dancing. Who wants to go on a date with me?
Currently watching :
The Big Knife
Release date: 15 October, 2002
