Matt Kelley is Great.com

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

People Who Are Old
Current mood: rejected
Category: Blogging

Here’s a list of people who are old:

1) BoB Barker

2) The Rolling Stones

3) Neil Young

4) Barbara Bush

5) Orville Redenbacher

6) Angela Landsbury

7) Most grandmas

Joan of Arc’s skeleton

9) Christopher Lee

10) Peter O’Toole

11) Paul McCartney

12) Danny Glover

13) Scrooge McDuck

14) The Golden Girls

15) Harrison Ford

16) Al Pacino

17) Mr. Burns

18) Dame Judy Dench

19) Sylvester Stallone

20) Sean Connery

21) Jesus

22) That eyepatch nun on the religious channel

23) Sue the sex lady

24) Cher

25) Jack Nicholson

26) Raquel Welch

27) Guys who wear powdered wigs

28) Cavemen

29) J.D. Salinger

30) Anya from Buffy

31) Mohammoud Ali

32) Dumbledore

33) Hulk Hogan

Who else is old?

Currently watching :
Magnum P. I. - The Complete Sixth Season
Release date: By 27 February, 2007

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Current mood: okay
Category: Blogging

I dicussed it with my roommates the other day and it has been decided. We are getting a bull. That’s right we are gonna get a real live bull and put it in the backyard. That way, everybody will be too scared to go out there. Hooray!!!

None of us really like bulls but we decided it would be in the best interest of the community to get the bull. At first we were worried about how we were going to feed the bull because eveybody would be too scared to go out there and feed it. Plus, nobody wanted to clean up the bulls crap. Then, I had a great idea. Monkeys! We would just throw monkeys out the window (5 at a time) and they would take care of everything.

I figured the bull would eat 2 of the monkeys right off the bat and the other 3 would start cleaning up the crap. Then when the bull got hungry later and the monkeys were done cleaning up the crap, the bull would eat the remaining monkeys. It would be so easy. All we’d have to do is throw a few monkeys out the window everyday. Piece of cake!

Unfortunately, it came to my attention that bulls don’t really eat monkeys. The like to eat grass and stuff. Their teeth aren’t really made for chewing up monkey flesh. So, after much debate itr was decided that before we put the bull in the backyard, we would have to sharpen it’s teeth. That way it could chew up those monkeys real good. Of course, it would probably take a little time for the bull to eat the first batch of monkeys but eventually it would get hungry enough and it wouldn’t have any choice but to eat those damn monkeys.

What would we name the bull? Why Dave of course. After Superdave Osborn and Dave from that movie…”Dave.”

Having a bull named Dave will be great. When people come over, they will be like, “Hey, lets go in the backyard” and we’ll be all like, “No way. We can’t go out there. Dave.”

“Who is Dave?” people will ask.

“Oh Dave is our pet bull,” we would reply. “Wanna feed him some monkeys?”

Then the fun would start.

Currently watching :
Gladiators - Bloodsport of the Colosseum
Release date: By 09 February, 2001

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Thursday, May 17, 2007

I Need To Pet A Dog
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Blogging

It has been brought to my attention that my life is seriously lacking in the department of dogs. I think I would feel a lot better if I could just pet a dog for a little while. So, if you have a dog that likes to be petted, I would really like to get together…with your dog. I mean, we can hang out too but I really need to hang out with a dog. Or maybe you have a dog and you don’t like walking it. I’ll walk your dog for you. I think it would be fun.

Currently watching :
Robocop 2
Release date: By 08 June, 2004

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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Makeover
Current mood: sad
Category: Blogging

I need a makeover. I’m not feeling too good about my life lately. It’s all fucked up and I can’t get anything done. I guess I just have to wait it out. Wah. Wah. Wah. Whine. Whine. Whine. My innner baby is trying to get out.

Nothing seems very funny to me today and like many of the other things I write about, that makes me angry. But unfortunately, I’m more sad than anything. It’s hard to write out of sadness. Anger is easy. I could write for days on anger fumes. Fuck, half of the stuff I write is fueled by anger.

When you’re sad, you don’t want to do anything at all. You just want to sit around and watch TV until you’re tired enough to go to sleep. It sucks.

When I was sixteen or so I was diagnosed with clinical depression. They said I had a chemical imbalance in my brain and that I didn’t have enough “happy chemicals.” They put me on medication and I was supposed to be fine.

I stopped taking the medication after a few months because it made me shake all the time and fall asleep at inapropriate moments. I decided that i didn’t have a chemical imbalance in my brain. I was just really sad.

That made a lot more sense to me and it makes sense now. You get sad because things in your life affect the way you feel. So, if you don’t like being fuckin sad all the time you gotta do something to change it. That’s where I’m at right now. Makeover.

Currently reading :
Supply Chain Management (3rd Edition)
By Sunil Chopra
Release date: By 28 March, 2006

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Friday, May 11, 2007

Penguins Don’t Talk And They Certainly Don’t Surf, Don’t Lie To Me Current mood: infuriated Category: Blogging So, I went to go see Spiderman 3 the other day because I got a thing for that Mary Jane Watson.  The movie was pretty good.  There were a bunch of cool special effects a lots of web slinging action but throughout the whole movie something was bothering me.  One of the previews before the movie was for a movie called “Surf’s Up.”  It looks like a cute little animated movie about a penguin that hatches from the “small egg” and grows up to be a professional surfer.  Now, I have nothing against that.  It sounds like a funny little clash of context story.  A penguin who surfs in the tropics.  Hahaha.  That’s funny.  Great.  The trailer went on to reveal silly characters like the stoner-esque rooster and a big buff bruiser penguin.  I thought, “That’s cool.  Maybe I woulk take kids to see that movie if I A) had kids of my own  or B) liked being around children.    Then the movie trailer said something that really confused me.  The voice over guy said that this movie was  “An Incredible True Story.”  Now, maybe I am wrong but the last time I checked penguins could not talk and they certainly did not no how to surf.  How dumb does Sony Pictures Entertainment think I am?  This story is not true.  It’s impossible.   The website for this movie claims the same thing; truth.  Here’s a link.      http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/surfsup/    You can even tell from the picture that this story isn’t true, but there it is in huge bold letters “A True Story.”  Let’s add up the facts: 1) The main character’s surfboard appears to be made out of ice yet they also appear to be in some sort of tropical environment.  I’m not an expert on ice or anything buit I’m pretty sure that the surfboard would melt or at least be impossible to carry.  I’m not even going to begin to explain why surfing on it would be impossible.  2) Roosters don’t smoke weed.  I don’t see how they would be able to.  They don’t have hands and therefore cannot light lighters, roll joints or break up buds, all essential weed smoking precursors.  Yet, somehow the rooster in this picture is clearly under the influence of marijuana.  He is also carrying a surfboard, which roosters also cannot do.  3) You can’t really tell this from the picture, but in the movie trailer it explained that the big penguin and the little penguin are brothers.  I spend a lot of time watching nature shows and stuff so I know a liltte bit about penguins.  While it is true that certain types of penguins (these penguins appear to be emporer penguins) lay two eggs, only one of them actually hatches.  This means that one of the two penguins in the picture would actually in fact already be dead.      4) The main penguin is wearing a necklace.  Nuff said.  I’m not trying to crap on anybody’s parade or anything but I don’t understand why the producers of this movie would advertise it as true when it is clearly impossible fiction.  I can deal with the suspension of reality.  You don’t need to lie to me.  I’m all for fiction.  Fiction is great.  Making stuff up is cool.  Saying something is true when it is obviously not makes me angry.  Don’t take your children to this movie because you will only be faced with awkward questions about the meaning and values of truth, something i’m sure every parent would like to avoid.      Currently watching : Dirty Dancing (20th Anniversary Edition) Release date: By 08 May, 2007 5:31 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos

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