Matt Kelley is Great.com

Current mood: shocked
Category: Blogging

I’m looking for a Pied Piper.  I don’t have so much of a rat problem as I do a dust problem.  I’m looking for a Pied Piper to come around and play his little flute or some shit and get all the dust out of my apartment.  See, I’m allergic to dust and whenever I try to clean it (which I admit is quite rarely) my eyes get all itchy and I start sneezing like a bastard.

Also, it has to be a Pied Piper because I don’t want to pay a lot.  I understand that Pied Pipers accept children as payment so this way if i ever have any kids in the future, I can just give them to the Piper as payment for cleaning up my apartment.  That way I’ll have no dust and I won’t ever have to get up in the middle of the night to change any diapers.  Booyah!!!

If a Pied Piper is not availible, I would also accept a Terminator.  There would probably be a lot more stuff to clean up if a Terminator came over to my apartment and terminated all my dust but it would be badass.  I would just have to make sure to hide all the important stuff before the Terminator came over and started blowing all sorts of shit up all over the place.   I could probably leve the computers out though.  Terminators are friends with computers. 

I’m not talking about like a T-1000 or anything.  The Schwarzenegger model would be just fine.  Though, it always did confuse me why when they made that model of Terminator why they gave it a thick Austrian accent.  They probably just thought it was funny, which is also a reason why I’d like a Terminator to come on over and sweep up around here.  Also, I wouldn’t have to pay a Terminator either.  I’ll bet there are plenty of John Connors in the phone book.  I’ll just rip out the page and give it to him.  I’m sure that’s payment enough. 

Other suggetions fro cleaning my house:  Dracula, Crocodile Dundee, or Chester Cheetah. 

Basically, I’m looking for anybody midly entertaining that I won’t really have to pay with real money.  I’d much rather pay with kids, a page of the phone book, blood, I dunno, a boomarang? or some Cheetos.  I have to stop writing now becasue my eyes itch.   

Currently watching : Return of the Killer Tomatoes! Release date: By 02 April, 2002

Current mood: touched
Category: Blogging

That’s right.  Bring it.  Anywhere anytime, I will eat a churro.  I don’t give a shit.  I ain’t scared.  Fuck, I’ll eat two churros. 

I dare you to bring me a churro at work.  I’ll stop working right there and eat that churro right in front of everybody.  All my co-workers will be like, “Why aren’t you working?”  I won’t even be able to answer them cuz I’ll have a mouth full of churro. 

It’s been a long time since I’ve actually had a churro, but that don’t mean nothin.  It’s not like you ever forget how to eat a churro.  It’s just like riding a bike or beating up a nun.  You never forget how to do it. 

I saw a churro stand yesterday and I thought about eating one right there, but I couldn’t.  I had work to do.  I wasn’t afraid or anything I just didn’t have time, you know?  I mean, I would have eaten it if I had to, but I had to get to the convention center and I was already late.  I ain’t no pussy or nothin.  I ain’t scared.  I’ll prove it.  Bring me a churro and i’ll eat it.  Bring me two, three churros.  Shit i’ll eat a whole box of churros in front of the Statue of Liberty.  I don’t even care.  Bring it on.  Bring on the churros.            

Currently watching : Charlie Rose with Elizabeth Drew; Sam Fulwood; Ellis Cose; Peter Bogdanovich (April 29, 1997) Release date: By 18 September, 2006

Speed Blog
Current mood: enthralled
Category: Blogging

I have to be at work an hour earlier today so I am going to write as fast as i can today.  Ok, first item on the discussion agenda, giarffes…the new Jesus or just tiger food?  Discuss. 

Personally, i think giraffes are just tiger food.  They have given me no reason to believe that they are the new Son of God. 

Great.

Next topic, where the hell has Julia Roberts been?  Discuss. 

It’s seems like it’s been forever since a Julia Roberts movie came out.  Not that I’m not grateful for that, but it just sorta seems like she dropped off the face of the earth.  I think she has kids now or something.  Yikes! 

Ok, topic number C; favorite “Wind and the Willows” character…discuss. 

Of course the only obvious correct answer is Mr. Toad.  Such carefree wreckless abandon.  We could all use a lesson from Mr. Toad. 

Topic 9, how many keys on your key ring?  Discuss. 

I don’t know.  I don’t feel like counting them right now. 

Next topic, chicken, broiled or fried? 

I prefer broasted.  It’s kind of hard to find but when you can get it, ohhh man. 

That’s itI have to leave now.  Sorry so sloppy, KIT, have a neat summer.  

Currently watching : A Giant Problem-The David Story Release date: By 18 May, 2005

Triumph!
Current mood: blah
Category: Blogging

A few weeks ago I posted a blog about the upcoming Sony Pictures Entertainment movie, “Surf’s Up.”  The movie is about talking penguins and roosters that surf.  First off, hasn’t America had enough of fucking Penguin Movies anyway?  I mean, there were like 3 of them that came out just last year. However, I digress.  If you read the May 11th blog, you know that I had nothing against the movie itself.  It was the advertising of the movie that burned my cookies. 

This movie was advertised as “An Incredilble True Story” while at the same time showcased talking penguins which is obviously impossible and therefore completely untrue.  In the May 11th blog I provided a link to the website showing these deceptive lies Sony Pictures Entertainment is trying to feed to your children. 

Well, I am happy to report that Sony Pictures Entertainment has changed their website!!!  ”Surf’s Up” is no longer advertised as “An Incredible True Story.”  I have also seen television trailers and even an airplane trailing one of those huge banners for the movie and none of them claim the movie to be true.  Hooray!!

While this is probably just Sony Pictures Entertainment realizing what a retarded ad campaign they were running, I have decided to take this change as a personal victory and claim full credit for the changing of the slogan.  I am going to imagine that top Sony executives have nothing better to do than read my myspace blog and instantly react to my complaints, while in reality I know that this blog is probably actually read by 11 or so people that have no power over Sony’s advertising and/or couldn’t care less about how this movie is advertised.  Hooray for me!!!  Victory!   

“Surf’s Up” is now advertised as “A Major Ocean Picture” and while I know it is not literally a large picture of an ocean on a screen for 90 minutes, I am okay with this new slogan.  I understand that it is merely a play on words. 

Here’s the same link to the website. 

http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/surfsup/

I think it’s great that I changed the world for the better …again, but to those Sony Execs that are reading this blog right now, I’m sorry but I cannot endorse your movie.  It’s still a retarded idea.          

Currently watching : Roseanne Barr: Blonde and Bitchin’ Release date: By 07 November, 2006

Current mood: mischievous
Category: Blogging

I mean, come on.  We all know it’s inevitable.  Zombies ARE going to attack us and take over the world.  I just want to know when.  It’s been done over and and over again in movie after movie and I am ready. I’ve got my shotgun and my case of bottled water in the basement.  Let’s do this thing. 

I’m mostly looking forward to the all out Zombie attack so I don’t have to go to work anymore.  My new profession will be badass Zombie Killer, but I’m going to spell it “Killa” because that is even more badder asser.  My job now isn’t too bad but it would be a lot better if there was more action, like say if there were a bunch of zombies trying to eat my brain around every corner.  Plus, I’m really tired of getting up early and taking the train downtown.   

I suppose you could say that when everyone else turns into a zombie, I will go through a sort of transformation myself.  Mild-mannered Matt Kelley will turn into cold-blooded Zombie Killer, Matt Killa.  I will no longer ride the train downtown for work.  I’m gonna drive a sweet truck with spikes all over it so I can crash through all the roadblocks and burning cars while I’m looking for other survivors.  Actually, I’m hoping for an El Camino so I can still drive it like a car but put a bunch of shit in the back like a truck, but I don’t know if there will be any El Caminos left after the apocalypse.  They’re pretty rare already. 

I’ve already started moving my stuff into the grocery store too because when the zombies DO attack, that’s where I’m going to live.  I figure a lot of food in there has a long shelf life and I’ll be able to live at least a few years of off dried pasta and Munch-ems.  All the produce will go bad but that’s cool, I’ll just use it to make napalm to fight off the zombies.  How you get napalm out of a bunch of rotten carrots and tomatoes I’m not sure but I’ll figure it out in time. 

So, if you’re reading this now and you aren’t a zombie, you can come to the Jewel-Osco grocery store off of Ashland and Wellington.  I’ll protect you from the zombies WHEN they attack.  If you already are a zombie and you’re reading this, don’t go to the Jewel-Osco because I am not really there.  If you come there anyway, even though I am totally not going to be there, I will kill you.    

Ok, somebody seriously needs to spread the super-virus or open the crypt or whatever to start the zombie attack because I have to leave for work in like 7 minutes.  I was really hoping this could be the day.  No?  No, sirens?  No fires?  No marshall law?  Rats.  Well, I’ll be ready tomorrow too.  

Currently watching : Cagney & Lacey - Season 1 Release date: By 08 May, 2007