Matt Kelley is Great.com

Current mood: lethargic
Category: Blogging

I’ve never been in a fight before, like ever, but I know that I could beat some ass if I wanted to.  Like if I were to fight a poodle or a girlscout I would probably win.  Well, maybe not a big strong girlscout.  More like a Brownie.  I think I could probably kick any brownies ass.  They are like girls 5-8 right?  I could take one of them.  Anyway, here is a list of fights I would definately lose.  Feel free to add to my huimiliation if you know of somebody/thing that could most likely kick my ass. 

1) Matt Kelley Vs.  A Hockey Player

2) Matt Kelley Vs. Dracula

3) Matt Kelley Vs. Gemini from American Gladiators

4) Matt Kelley Vs. Hulk Hogan

5) Matt Kelley Vs. The Sun

6) Matt Kelley Vs. 41 Ninjas

7) Matt Kelley Vs. The guy who played Grizzly Adams on TV

Matt Kelley Vs. Bruce Lee

8b) Matt Kelley Vs. Tyra Banks

9) Matt Kelley Vs. The Los Angeles Crips    

10) Matt Kelley Vs. Shaquille O’Neal

11) Matt Kelley Vs. Freddy Kruger

12) Matt Kelley Vs.Forest Whitaker

Wow.  That’s sort of depressing.  I’m imagining myself getting beat up by all these folks.  I think I’ll continue the list by listing fights that I might actually win.  So, if you are just tuning in halfway through this blog, it has drastically changed and is now the exact opposite of what it was before. 

Fights I might win: 

13) Matt Kelley Vs. A poodle

14) Matt Kelley Vs. The Microscopic Cowboy

15) Matt Kelley Vs. The Worlds Fluffiest Kitten

16) Matt Kelley Vs. A Grandma

17) Matt Kelley Vs. Morrissey

18) Matt Kelley Vs. A Broken Robot

19) Matt Kelley Vs. A Bowl of Speghetti

20) Matt Kelley Vs. A Sick Baby

21) Matt Kelley Vs. Some Bacon

22) Matt Kelley Vs.Ummm, a Violin? 

That’s all I can think of right now.  It’s sort of a lazy blog day.  However, tomorrow will mark the date of my 100th blog so I should do something special tomorrow.  Let’s say that I’m going to make a huge announcement tomorrow.  I’ll have to make something up but we can pretend that it’s real.  Maybe I’ll say that I’m moving to Japan.  Yeah, that works.  I’ll say that.  I’m not really going to but we’ll just pretend like it’s a huge deal.      

Currently watching : The Corndog Man Release date: 12:00 AM

Current mood: touched
Category: Blogging

My friend, Adam wants to read a blog about a quest.  I thought this was a strange REQUEST!!!  Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!  Oh my God, that was so funny I don’t know if I can actually write the blog now!!!!  Hahahahahahahahaahahahaha!  REquest!!!  Hhahahahahahahaha!  Ok, sorry.  Here goes. 

John Newburger was dredging through the snow.  The bitter cold pinched and poked at his extremities.  He was in great pain.  John had been walking for eight years.  He had to walk.  There was no other choice.  John Newburger was on a quest.  A quest for blood. 

He didn’t really like blood per se, or fighting werewolves and skeletons, but he needed the blood to save the woman he loved.  The blood I speak of is the blood of the robosaur, robot shaped like dinosaur with great power…in its blood. 

1,000,000 years ago, the last dinosaur, Chad Michaels, decided he needed to go into hiding to escape extinction.  So, he built a robot suit and hids in it for 1,000,000 years.  He lived at the top of Mount Shakaboombaka, where he had 8 wives and a dude that cooked all his meals for him.  Chad Michaels the Robosaur was expecting John Newburger.   

John Newburger thought he could go on no longer.  He laid down to rest on the mountain.  He knew he had to get back up soon otherwise he would not get back up again.  Suddenly, a skelelton jumped out from behind a tree. 

“Give me the walnuts of power,” said the skeleton. 

“Not on your life you son of a bitch,” Newburger replied. 

The skeleton lunged at Newburger but he was too slow.  John already had the walnuts of power in his hands.  He quickly said the magic words, “David Hasselhoff” and turned the skeleton into bear.  Then he shot the bear with his gun. 

“Too easy,” Newburger said.  He continued his quest up the mountain. 

When John finally reached the top, Chad Michaels was waiting for him.  Both had been waiting for this moment for a long time. 

“I know you come for my blood young warrior,” said Chad Michaels, the Robosaur.  “To save the life of the beautiful Princess Sylvia.”        

“She is to be my wife,” John replied.  “The Gods say it is to be.” 

Chad Michaels the robot dinosaur was not pleased. 

“Have a taste of my steel!”  said Chad Michaels the robot dinosaur and he swung his sword at John.  John quickly rolled on the ground to evade the attack then he did a back flip just to show off. 

The display of unnecessary gymnastics infuriated Chad Michaels the robot dinosaur and he shed his cheaply made tin foil robot costume to revael his true form…some sort of dinosaur. 

Chad Michaels started breathing fire all over the fucking place.  John Newburger hid behind a rock.  He thought it was over.  He thought he would never see princess Sylvia again.  Suddenly he remembered he had one magic walnut left. 

“Magic walnut don’t fail me now,” John said to himself.  

He kissed the walnut and sent it flying hitting Chad Michaels the robot dinosaur right in the balls.  This was the robot dinosaur’s one week spot, his balls. 

John Newburger got his cup and teleported back to the castle where princess Sylvia was.  Then he teleported back becasue he forgot the blood. He then got the blood.  Then he teleported back to the castle again and made Princess Sylvia drink the blood.  She woke up and they got married.  They had 11 kids all named Jerome.        

THE END

Currently watching : Blank Check Release date: 12:00 AM

Current mood: sore
Category: Blogging

I got drunk yesterday.  Real drunk..  Here are some things that I probably shouldn’t have said or done last night.

Last night I shouldn’t have… 

1)Smoked cigarettes…constantly.   

2)Had those last eight beers. 

3)Sang “Beatrice” in the style of Michael Jackson’s “Ben” for some hispanic chick that I didn’t know in front of her family.  (Appearantly, it was her birthday.)  

4)Spilled my beer and shattered the glass then blamed somebody else for it. Then doing the exact same thing with my replacement beer. 

5)Sang BOTH Rick Astley songs. 

6)Admitted to my love of musical theater.

7)Kissed that girl. 

8)Kissed that dude.

9)Kissed that other girl.

10)Kissed that dude again.

11)Said, “I’m not the gay Matt Kelley!  I’ll fuck all three of you girls right now!” (This was before I kissed the dude.)

12)Poured sugar all over myself while somebody sang “Pour Some Sugar On Me” on the Kareoke box. 

13)Thrown sugar EVERYWHERE. 

14)Said, “Whose shots are these?  Mine now.”

15)Drank two shots that were not mine.

16)Cheered for myself until they let me sing.    

17)Poured a drink in that poor girl’s lap.

18)Yelled until I could no longer yell.

19)Listened to metal and smoked weed instead of going to bed  when I got home.           

Needless to say, I was wasted last night.  But sometimes life is a lot more fun when you do stuff that you shouldn’t.   

Currently watching : Carrot Top: Rocks Las Vegas Release date: 12:00 AM

Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Blogging

This is dedicated to that totally tubular tuber, the potato. 

Oh dear potato!

With skin so brown

And a center so pure

My love for thee thrives!

So many variations on preparation! 

Chips!

Fries! 

Mashed!

Au Gratin!

Scalloped! 

Saladed! 

Baked! 

Double baked! 

Fries with cheese on them! 

Skinned! 

In tot form! 

Prison Vodka! 

Pancaked!

Souped! 

Wedged!

Hash browned! 

Casseroled! 

Oh potato! 

Fairest of them all!  You fill me with starchy delight!  Keeping me safe from the beast of hunger.  My life is for you potato!  My life!  My love!  My sweet potato!      

Currently watching : Guns, Germs, and Steel Release date: By 12 July, 2005

Goin Goth
Current mood: morose
Category: Blogging

I think I’m gonna go goth for a little while, not permenantly or anything but I’ll take a little walk on the dark side.  I figure if i go goth I can get away with being really short and sarcastic with people.  When people are like, “ooooh, look at these beautiful flowers I got,”  I’ll say something like, “they’re just going to die anyway” and people won’t hold it against me because I’ll be goth. 

“Don’t mind him, he’s just goth,” they’ll say.  “He thinks he’s the Prince of the Night.”  Maybe that’s what I’ll call myself.  Krimson, Prince of the Night.  I’ll have to pretty much quit talking to people.  I’ll only talk to other goth people and then I still won’t talk very much.  I’ll get a hot goth chick girlfriend and make her do all the talking for me.  She’ll be sort of obnoxious and nobody will really like her, but she will be really hot and I will claim that she is “the only speck of light in my dark hollow shell.” 

Getting the hot obnoxious goth girlfriend will be the easy part.  The thing that worries me is the wardrobe.  I’m going to have to throw away all my clothes.  I think the brightest color you are allowed to wear when you are goth is dark blue.  Other than that it is all blacks and purples.  I don’t have a lot of clothes in these colors so I guess I’m pretty much going to have to start over.  I think goth clothes are sorta expensive too.  Leather corsets and chains and stuff aren’t too cheap, methinks. 

I’ll have to start listening to more Bahaus and watching The Crow more often too which is too bad becasue I don’t really like Bahaus or The Crow.  I guess I could listen to The Cure too and that’s good because I like thembut I’m tring to be like a hardcore goth dude, so i’ll probably end up listening to some dark underground electronica or something.  I think I can also still listen to some metal now and then so that will be nice. 

Some of you are probably thinking, Matt Kelley, is this going to be like the time you were supposed to “Go Metal”  and you sorta just half assed it and the only thing you did to go metal was start listening to Hammerfall?  Normally this would be the part were I would start yelling and saying how I would do it and stick to my convictions but in this case you are probably right.  Most likely I will try even less to go goth.  I like talking to people sometimes and I really dislike having obnoxious girlfriends.  I don’t care how hot they are, non-obnoxious girlfriends are much better.  I’m probably not even going to go as far as to start listening to Bahaus or watching the Crow.  I’ve already seen the Crow.  I thought it was ok but there is no way I would consider it one of my favorite movies. If anything, I might watch The Crow 3, Salvation but only because I have recently developed a taste for Kirsten Dunst and that’s still a stretch.        

Writing this reminded me of a sort of funny (and actually true) story.  So The Crow came out when I was in like 8th or ninth grade, methinks and I sorta wanted to see it, but not bad enough to beg my mom to drop me off at the movie theater or anything.  I was living with my grandparents when it came out to rent on VHS and when it did come out I rented it.  I put it on and my grandpa was in the living room with me.  He wasn’t really paying attention at first, but about 20 minutes into the movie my grandfather started insisting that he had seen this movie before.  I told him that that was impossible because The Crow just came out to rent that week, but Grandpa kept saying he’d seen it before and proceeded to tell me the whole plot.  He was right too.  He had seen it.  I wasn’t too upset about him ruining the plot for me because you pretty much figure it all out around that time anyway but he knew details that only somebody who had seen the movie before would know.  Grandpa had seen The Crow before I got to see it and since it just came out to rent, that meant that he had seen it at the movie theater.  As long as I had known my grandfather, we had never gone to the movies.  He was old and he couldn’t sit in those seats he said.  I have since been perplexed as to why my seventy five year old Grandfather went to see The Crow by himself.  I think I was giggling to myself through the whole rest of the movie because of that. 

Currently watching : Roots (Four-Disc 30th Anniversary Edition) Release date: By 22 May, 2007

Current mood: pleased
Category: Blogging

There’s something about the combination of tigers and motorcycles that always makes me laugh.  I usually get up around 5:00AM and there’s this commercial that’s on almost everyday at that time for something called the Law Tigers.  The Law Tigers are appearantly “lawyes who ride”  motorcycles. 

The commercial itself isn’t particularly funny but it makes me laugh everytime I see it and I see it probably almost every day.  There is a really great CG Tiger in the commercial that watches over the bikers driving on the path below. 

As usual, i’m probably taking this too literally, but if I got in a motorcycle accident I sure as fuck wouldn’t want a tiger near me.  I’d probably be all bloody and stuff and the tiger would eat me.  Come to think of it, I wouldn’t want a lawyer near me either.  They usually just want to ask you a bunch of questions and when I’m bleeding in the street I usually don’t feel like answering a bunch of god damn questions.  I’d want an ambulance or a field medic like in the WWII movies. 

Come to think of it, we should still have field medics.  Not just in war but also randomly walking through the streets.  If you ever got hurt you could just lay there and yell “Medic!” and a friendly dude would run up to you and give you some morphine. 

I would be great!  You wouldn’t feel obligated to help old people when they fell down anymore.  You could just laugh at them like God intended you to.  The field medic would help them out.   

Of course if we did still have field medics, people would probably abuse their field medic privledges.  They’d be all yelling for medics if they couldn’t find the broccoli at the grocery store or yelling for medic if they were on the can and were out of toilet paper.  Some people would probably even fake injuries just so they could get the morphine. 

Anyway, back to the tigers.  In college we had this video that we liked to play.  It was a video about these dudes called the “Star Boys.”  The “Star Boys” were these assholes that rode bikes around the highways of Ohio and did really dumb things like stand up on the seat or hang off the back of their motorcycles at really fast speeds.  They were really into tigers too.  All thier bikes had animal print on them and they all liked to wear really fuzzy pants. 

We used to watch that video all the time.  Not because it was good or even interesting.  The production quality was bad and personally, i though the content was boderline retarded.  However, whenever the StarBoys video was recommended, I was usually right there to second the motion.  The part that we liked the most was when one of those jackass StarBoys was riding a motorcycle down the street and an image of a tiger faded up only for about a second.  Hilarious.  Man, we used to laugh at that thing for hours. 

Currently watching : Ghost Dad Release date: By 01 March, 2005

Current mood: thankful
Category: Blogging

Wow did I have a wacky wild weekend!  My roomates were both out of town so I had the whole apartment to myself!  I did all the stuff I always wanted to do!  I rode my sled down the front stairs*, played my saxophone** real loud while dancing on the furniture, walked around in my underwear and just left a mess wherever I was eating.***

I even killed a sheep as a sacrifice to the Dark Lord Zantar**** right in the living room!  I would never be aloud to do this with my roomates home.  The blood was everywhere but I didn’t even notice becasue I was having too much fun!  I had a piece of pizza in each hand!  Yummy!

After I cleansed myself in the blood of my sacrifice, I tried on all of my roomates clothes and had a fashion show in the living room.  I won first place!!!*****   

I also invited Tim Gunn from TV’s Project Runway over to my apartment.  I could never invite Tim Gunn over when my roomates were home because they hate Tim Gunn with a serious passion.******  They are always thowing darts at a dartboard with Tim Gunn’s picture on it.  I thought it would be cool to have Tim Gunn hang out for a minute but as soon as he got there, things started to get sort of hairy. 

First off, Tim Gunn was drunk, real drunk.  It wasn’t cool at all.  Then he tried to stab me!  I quickly jump kicked him and that was that.  Tim Gunn apologized and we got back to being home alone.  We threw dishes off the roof and shot them with Tim Gunn’s Gunn.*******  He kept saying “The dishes are done man!”  I asked him why he kept saying and he said it was from a movie but he couldn’t remember the name of it.   I told him to shut up but later I remembered that it was from “Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead.”

Suddenly, Tim Gunn went into labor!!!*********  I told my assistant, Nancy********* to get me some hot water and a towel.  I didn’t know why I needed these things.  I tried to think of what movie I had seen these items in while somebody was having a baby.  For a minute, I thought it was “Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead” but then I remembered it was an episode of Blossom I was thinking of. 

While I was thinking about this, Tim Gunn gave birth to his baby, but it wasn’t really a baby.  It was a medium sized monkey.  Tim Gunn named him Princess Bazooki.  I said that was a stupid name and Tim Gunn tried to stab me again!  This was the last straw.  I shot a Hoduken********** at him and he died, but not before assuring that he would still be on Project Runway next season.   

Uh-oh!  I was having so much fun this weekend I forgot to wind my watch!  It was Sunday now and half of my roomates would be home in an hour!   I had to clean up.  I tried to make Princess bazooki the monkey help me but all he wanted to do climb up on things and smoke cigarettes.  There was only one person I could call*********** Joe Pantaliano!!! 

Joey Pants got to my house and said, “Oooohhh!!!  God damn baby!  You got quite a mess on your hands.”  Then he tapped his wrists and wrinkled his nose and the apartment began to magically clean itself up.  I said thanks and Joe Pantaliano was on his way.************  When he left, I was glad he was gone. 

My roomate came home on Sunday night and he didn’t suspect a thing.  He would never know about my wild, wacky weekend.*************

*I don’t really have a sled.

**I don’t know how to play the saxophone.

***I would have done this even if my roomates were home.

****All hail the Dark Lord Zantar!

*****I bribed myself in my own favor.  I didn’t really derserve to win the fashion show. 

******This is totally a lie.

*******Of course he has a gunn!!!!

********I forgot to mention that Tim Gunn was 9 months pregnant when he came over. 

*********My assistant Nancy was there the whole time I was doing all this stuff, but I don’t really consider her a person, mostly because I treat her very badly.  She works for very little pay and has even less self-esteem.  I own her.

**********Yeah, like from Street Fighter II.

***********Actually, I had to use a the telegraph system because that’s all Joe Pantaliano uses.  Oops did I ruin it?  It was Joe Pantaliano.

************ Joe Pantaliano used the bathroom for about 28 minutes before he actually left.   

*************Really, I told him about the whole thing as soon as he got home.  Like REALLY told him.  You know?  

Currently watching : I Want To Be A Hula Dancer And Wear A Flower Lei Release date: By 14 September, 2004

Current mood: recumbent
Category: Blogging

So there really aren’t any dinosaurs left on earth?  They are all dead?  I’m totally disapointed.  Not even one like in that movie “Baby”?  Or that cartoon “Denver the Last Dinosaur”? 

Actually if there was one dinosaur left and he was like Denver I probably wouldn’t like him.  He’d be all skateboarding around and wearing sunglasses and shit.  I could see that really annoying me.  He seems like the kind of dinosaur that would always be breaking my moms favorite lamp or eating my homework and making me get detention.  Bastard.

So they can’t really do that thing that they did in Jurassic Park where they take the ”Dino DNA” from mosquitos frozen in amber, right?  It’s too bad cuz I would really like to ride a brontosaurus or watch a T.Rex rip a cow into pieces. 

What about the Loch Ness monster?  Did they find him yet?  He’s supposed to be like a dinosaur I think.  Why haven’t we found him yet? 

Stupid governments, spending all our money on fighting wars and medical research.  We should be making dinosaurs!!!  The dinosaurs never got a fair chance.  They never got to evolve to the point to be smart enough to stop a meteor from destroying them all.  They never even got smart enough to act like the dinosaurs on that prime time puppet show in the early nineties, “Dinosaurs.”  Granted, that still isn’t very smart but i don’t think the real dinosaurs even wore shirts and thats too bad cuz there are kick ass shirts out there.  I got this one shirt that’s like a skull and the skull is on fire.  Badass. 

Currently watching : Young Guns II Release date: By 01 June, 2004

Current mood: working
Category: Blogging

Let me tell you a little something about real men.  I’m not talking about these pussy little pantywastes that you girls out there call husbands and boyfriends.  I’m talking about real men.  I’m talking about football playin, ass kickin, testosterone bleedin men. 

Real Men Fact #1:  Real men eat their own boogers.

A real man doesn’t have time to get a tissue.  He’s too busy doing manly things, like eatin Taco Bell.  Don’t mess with a real man when he’s eating Taco Bell…unless you wanna get clobbered. 

Real Men Fact #2:  Real men paint thier toenails. 

You think girls are the ones who paint thier toenails?  Wrong!  It’s men!  Real men!  They started it back in the 1200’s.  The women just copied.

Real Men Fact #3: Worms live in trees. 

You think just because you see a worm in the ground you think it lives there?  Wrong.  Justy ask any real man.  Worms live in trees my friend.      

Real Men Fact #4:  Michael Bolton is the enemy.

Real men hate Michael Bolton.  Why?  Because he’s not a real man.  He’s just a little fufu bitch with a sex voice and poodle hair.  Michael Bolton is the real man’s sworn enemy.  Michael Boton has never eaten a booger in his life. 

Real Men Fact #5:  Real men wear womens underwear. 

But we all know it is strictly a comfort thing.  You can’t expect a real man to be manly all the time can you?  Sometimes real men need to feel sexy too.  Sometimes real men also wear cowboy hats. 

Real Men Fact #6:  Evolution is a lie.

In the begining there was God.  God created heaven and god created Earth.  The God created Adam and then God created a real man…Chuck. 

Real Men Fact #7:  The capital of Florida is Tallahasse. 

It’s true.  Just look at any map of Florida. 

Real Men Fact #8:  Real men don’t have sleeves on thier shirts. 

Do you think you’re a real man?  What do you wear in the winter?  A jacket?  Get out of here pantywaste. 

Real Men Fact #9:  Help!  An alien is killing me. 

Call the cops!  Call somebody.  I’m being killed by an alien! 

Real Men Fact #10:  This blog is really weird today because I haven’t taken a shower yet and I’m still half asleep. 

Yup. 

Currently watching : Cats - The Musical (Commemorative Edition) Release date: By 12 September, 2000