Matt Kelley is Great.com

ThrillhouseE: Get that snake out of my garage!
CollegeStarViola: hi, asl
ThrillhouseE: 22/m/oklahoma
CollegeStarViola: viola, 19/f. do you have a webcam?
ThrillhouseE: no
ThrillhouseE: what do i need a webcam for?
CollegeStarViola: ok, i got my camera hooked up to a site like netmeeting but for adults. if you wanna check it out go to: http://www.spicebits.com/college-star-19/
CollegeStarViola: make a screen name and you can watch me. let’s chat more there. i am on cam now
ThrillhouseE: fuck off
ThrillhouseE: i don’t wanna look at your skanky ass
ThrillhouseE: i want you to get that damn snake out of my garage
ThrillhouseE: hello?
ThrillhouseE: im talkin to you ho
ThrillhouseE: snakes

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I had a teacher in college that was a real douchebag. That’s him (the other guy, not Mr. Leather.)

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I was once in a band that called ourselves “Skeleton Power” for a show.  We also played a show as “Weed” one time.  I liked “Skeleton Power” better.  

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This a poster I made for a rap group I was in (about 9 years after it was over) . This was during high school.  We rapped about Star Trek. I was also in a group during high school that rapped about Star Wars but I’m not going to make that poster for another few years.

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I think if I were a Mer-person, you know like a dude that lives under water, I would have a pet seal.  You know, cuz seals are like the dogs of the sea, right?  I would name him Gordy and I would teach him to fetch blood.  Sea blood. 

Gordy wouldn’t be like a vicious seal.  Most of the time he’d be a friendly buddy of a sea dog, but when I wanted him too, he’d be able to tear it up with the best of them.  A real badass motherfucker he would be.  Rippin flesh from bone and shit. 

I’m not sure about this, but I think seals have wicked sharp teeth.  It probably really sucks to get bit by a seal, let alone torn up into little pieces.  That’s why I would only sick Gordy on the worst of the worst Mer-people out there. I wouldn’t have him maul people at Mer-Wendy’s or Mer-Wal-Mart.  Well, maybe Mer-Wal-Mart.  That wasn’t a very good example.  Either way, the point is that Gordy does not harm the innocent.  Just that bad folks.

Mer-Jessica Simpson for example.  She’s a good candidate to be killed by Gordy the killer seal.  Me and Gordy would get tickets to her show and then I would sneak into the sound booth and put on some Slayer.  That would be Gordy’s cue.  He likes to shread Mer-people up while listening to Slayer. 

When all the Mer-people at the Mer-Jessica Simpson concert saw Mer-Jessica Simpson get ripped up into little pieces of meat, first they would be all like, “Holy Fuck!  This is terrible!” but then they’d start to hear the Slayer more and be all like “Dude!  This rips!”  Then there would be an underwater circle pit. 

Then the next day after all the heat calmed down from Mer-Jessica Simpsons bloody public murder, me and Gordy would go to Lindsay Lohan’s new movie premeire.  When the movie would start, it would be mad gay.  You know, because all her movies are mad gay.  I would say that I had to go to the bathroom or some shit, but what I’m really doing is going to get my ghetto blaster with the slayer tape in it. 

I wouldn’t feed Gordy the day before (except for Jessica Simpson) so he’d be really fuckin hungry at the movie premiere.  That way he could eat a whole bunch of those shitty Mer-assholes that go to movie premieres.  Mer-Fallout Boy would be there for some reason and they would be eaten.  Mer-Michael Bolton would get munched on.  Mer-Paris Hilton and Mer-Britney Spears would get some bites taken out of them but Gordy would spit them out probably because they taste like styrofoam. 

Me and Gordy would travel around from fancy event to fancy event until all the horrible Mer-celebrites were dead.  Too bad I’m not a Mer-person.   

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This scene is from “Mantabulous” Janurary-March 2007

“NUTSACK”
Matt Kelley
1/8/06 Version 4

CAST
CHARLIE, 33
JOE, 31
SCOTT, 33

(CHARLIE and JOE have just finished working on CHARLIE’s car. CHARLIE closes the hood.)

CHARLIE
Thanks for helping me out with the Carburetor, Joe. You wanna stick around for a brewski?

JOE
Nah, I gotta get home soon or the wife’s gonna kick my ass.

CHARLIE
Well alright, buddy. I’ll see you at work tomorrow.

JOE
Alright.

(CHARLIE reaches out to shake JOE’s hand. JOE taps CHARLIE’s nutsack and walks away.)

CHARLIE
Ahh. Whoa. Joe, you just grabbed my balls.

JOE
Yeah. So?

CHARLIE
Well, I’m flattered but, I don’t swing that way.

JOE
What the hell are you talking about? I ain’t no homo.

CHARLIE
Dude, you just pulled on my nutsack. How is that not gay?

JOE
What, like you never touched another dude’s goolies before.

CHARLIE
Uh, no actually. I haven’t.

JOE
You haven’t? Are you gay?

CHARLIE
No I’m not gay. How would me never touching another man’s junk make me gay?

JOE
I don’t know. Just seems weird is all. I mean, every guy does the sack tap every once in awhile.

CHARLIE
What? No they don’t. I’ve never done it.

JOE
Really? Hmmmmm.

CHARLIE
What do you mean hmmmm?

JOE
Nothing. Just seems weird to me. I don’t think I ever met a guy that never rang the bells before. You sure you ain’t gay?

CHARLIE
Yes, I’m sure. I’ve got a wife, two kids and a stack of Hustler magazines that date back to the mid-80’s. I’m not gay.

JOE
Ok. Ok. I believe you. I just can’t believe you’ve never heard of that before.

CHARLIE
No, I’ve never heard of snatching at another mans scrotum as a salutation. Never in my life.

JOE
Wow. I never would have thought of you that way, Charlie.

CHARLIE
What do you mean? What way?

JOE
I don’t know. You don’t do the jollie-jingle, you kind of seem like less of a man to me.

CHARLIE
That’s ridiculous. You’re making way too big of a deal out of this.

JOE
Ok. Well, if it’s no big deal, why don’t you give the boys a ring down there.

(JOE motions to his nuts.)

CHARLIE
No way! I have no desire to touch your balls.

JOE
What we’re not friends anymore?

CHARLIE
Of course we’re still friends. I just don’t feel right.

(SCOTT ENTERS)

SCOTT
Hey guys. What’s going on?

CHARILE
Hey Scott.

JOE
What’s up, Scott?

(JOE and SCOTT tap each others nuts.)

JOE
See dude. Everybody does it.

SCOTT
Everybody does what?

JOE
You know, the ball tapping thing.

SCOTT
You’ve never heard of that before? What are you, gay?

CHARLIE
No, I’m not gay!

SCOTT
Hey Joe, you coming over to watch the game tomorrow?

JOE
Fuck yeah, dude.

(JOE and SCOTT high five each other and then lick each others nipples.)

CHARLIE
Whoa! What the fuck was that?

SCOTT
Dude. Don’t tell me you never licked your friend’s nips before. Man, you ARE a fag.

CHARLIE
Ok, fine. You want me to prove I’m not gay. Go ahead. Grab my coin–purse. Right now. Both of you.

SCOTT
I don’t know man. I don’t really feel that close to you.

CHARLIE
We were in Operation Iraqi Freedom together. What do you mean you don’t feel close to me?

JOE
Charlie, really it’s no big deal.

CHARLIE
My ass, it’s no big deal. I want both of you to touch my coin-purse right now!

JOE
I know if that’s a good idea, Charlie. I think you might be playin for the pink team and I don’t wanna lead you on.

CHARLIE
You said it wasn’t gay.

SCOTT
Yeah, if you feel close to that person. If not, it’s totally gay.

CHARLIE
Fine. You want me to lick your nipples?

JOE
Ugh. No. Get away from me.

CHARLIE
I don’t believe you guys. I can’t believe you would deny me of such a simple request as a testes-tapper.

SCOTT
Well, maybe you’re just not a very good friend.

CHARLIE
I am a great friend. I helped you build your house.

JOE
You’re acting pretty fucked up dude. I’m taking that first egg-scrambler back.

(JOE makes motion of taking tap back.)

CHARLIE
What? You can’t take it back.

SCOTT
Yeah. He can. It’s in the rules.

CHARLIE
What rules?

JOE
Sack tapping rules. Any man can take back a scrot-tap anytime he sees fit.

CHARLIE
Look, I’m sorry. Don’t take it back. It was my first one. I didn’t know.

SCOTT
(Mocking Charlie.) “I didn’t know.” Why don’t you go cry to your mommy, nancy boy.

CHARLIE
You guys are assholes.

(CHARLIE EXITS)
JOE
What a homo. That guy gets me so tense sometimes.

SCOTT
What you need my friend, is a scented oil massage.

(LIGHTS GO DOWN as sexy music plays.)

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Free As A Tiger
Current mood: shocked
Category: Blogging

I think it’s fuckin bullshit that tigers can’t fly. They should be able to soar through the air. It actually kinda hurts my feelings that they can’t fly. I mean, I know it’s not my fault or anything but surely there is something that I could have done. I could have opened a tiger school of flight. Or I could have started filling tigers with helium. That maybe would have worked. Oh who am I kidding? It’s totally my fault! It’s my fault that tigers can’t fly. I am a bad person for not getting the tigers to fly. I hate myself. Instead of saying, “free as a bird” people clould say “free as a tiger.” I fucked that one up. I am an asshole. I think I’m going to be sick.

Currently watching :
Santa’s Slay
Release date: By 20 December, 2005

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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Everyone Likes A Snowman
Current mood: infuriated
Category: Blogging

They say everyone likes a snowman. Well, I’ll tell you something. Everyone doesn’t like a snowman. I don’t. In fact, I hate snowmen. I think they’re nasty. I don’t know who “they” are but “they” need to stop making general assumptions about the masses. Take Raymond for instance. Does everybody really love Raymond? I sure as fuck don’t. Have you ever seen that show before? It’s terrible. I’m not ging to love somebody that has a terrible show. If I am going to love somebody, one of the first things I am going to look at is how good their television show is. Anyway, back to the snowman.

It all started 11 years ago…at a rap contest. I had been busting my rhymes on the tough streets of Ashtabula County, Ohio for years. I had mad street cred and my cuts were both fresh and dope.

Rumor on the street was that LaShawn DeWan Abdual Jabar was in town that day and he was looking for new talent for his record label, Gangsta Bitch records. Of course, I was the “G” for the job.

There was to be a rap contest that night at the old abandoned warehouse. Anybody was welcome to audition, but I wasn’t scared. Like I said before, my jams were the dopest in town. After hearing the news I rushed home to prepare my rhymes for the rap batlle.

I worked for hours and when i was done, I had written bar none the dopest, freshest, most gangstalicsious rap song the world had ever heard. It was getting late, so I left for the abandoned warehouse.

On the way there, I encountered a snowman. He said his name was Buckly Warrington, but I doubt that was his real name.

He stopped me to ask if I was going to the rap battle. I told him i was and he asked if he could hear my rhymes. I said no.

The snowman begged and pleaded but i held my ground.

“Nobody opens this notebook, but me,” I said.

Then I felt the gun in my back.

I turned around to punch the snowman in his fat snowy head, but he was too quick for me. The snowman pistol whipped me and I was out cold on the ground.

I woke up about an hour later. My notebook was gone. I rushed to the old abondoned warehouse to see if I could still battle. When I got there, the rap battle was almost over. I made my way to the stage. I needed to get up there. My dope rhymes needed to be heard!

But I was too late. When I got the stage, there he was. Teh snowman was rhyming my rhymes! He was sampling my dope beats! I screamed at him but it was no use. The crowd was going nuts for the snowman. Nobody could hear me.

The snowman finished and it was obvious that he had won the battle. I was devastated.

He got the record deal for Gangsta Bitch records and i was still in Ohio.

A week later, the snowman klled my dad.

I don’t know why but that snowman really had it in for me.

So, the moral of the story? Not everybody likes a snowman. Why? Because some of them are sheisty bitches that steal your rhymes and murder your parents.

Currently listening :
Be a Man
By Randy Macho Man Savage

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“Don’t Forget To Tip Your…Vampire”
Matt Kelley
1/9/07 Version 4

CAST
JANET, 20’s
BRAD, 20’s
TONY, 40’s
VLAD, ??’s

(BRAD and JANET have just been seated for a meal.)
BRAD
This place has the best Noodle Coodle in the whole city. I’m starving. Let’s eat!

JANET
Are you sure? It smells like somebody died in here.

BRAD
It’s fine. This is just an old restaurant. The muskiness adds character.

JANET
Are you sure you don’t want to go to Outback? I could go for a blooming onion.

(VLAD ENTERS)
VLAD
Good Evening.

JANET
Oh! Hello. You startled me.

VLAD
Yes. I have a habit of doing this.

(VLAD casts a long seductive glare at JANET. BRAD clears his throat.)
BRAD
Umm, can we see a wine list, Mr?

VLAD
Ah, how rude of me. I am Vlad and I will be your…master.

(VLAD gives the wine list to BRAD.)
BRAD
Waiter.
VLAD
What?

BRAD
You will be our waiter. I think you said master.

VLAD
Oh, of course. How silly of me. I will be your…waiter.

(BRAD looks over wine list.)
BRAD
Can you suggest something?

VLAD
I never drink…wine.

BRAD
Umm,ok. We’ll just start with a basket of garlic bread.

(VLAD hisses.)
BRAD
What?

JANET
I think it’s the bread.

BRAD
What? Garlic bread?

(VLAD hisses.)
BRAD
Stop that.

(VLAD hisses.)
VLAD
I will be right back with your…bread.

(VLAD EXITS)
BRAD
Wow, what a creep. If I wanted to get waited on by a weirdo, I could have taken you out to Denny’s.

JANET
I don’t know. I think he’s kinda sexy.

BRAD
Sexy? Janet, he was totally raping you with his eyes.
JANET
Oh Brad please. He wasn’t raping me.

BRAD
I know eye-rape when I see it Janet.

(VLAD returns with a basket of garlic bread. He throws it on the table in disgust.)
VLAD
I apologize for my outburst earlier. Please accept this complimentary bottle…of wine.

JANET
Oh, why thank you, handsome. See Brad. He’s not a weirdo.

VLAD
The pleasure is all mine, my dear.

(VLAD begins to kiss JANET’s hand. BRAD stops him.)
BRAD
Ok. I think we’re ready to order. I’ll have the steak.

(VLAD hisses.)
BRAD
Enough with the sexy undead bit, ok? I get it. You want to seduce my girlfriend and sire us to become part of your unholy army of the night, right? Well that’s not going to happen. I want to see the manager right now!

VLAD
I am sorry. I will get him for you now. Tony!

(TONY ENTERS. He is gross. TONY scratches himself.)
TONY
Whatta you want?

BRAD
Yes. Your wait staff won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend and I think he might be (whispering) vampire.

TONY
You don’t like it? Eat somewhere else.

(TONY EXITS)
JANET
Brad, you are embarrassing me.

BRAD
Janet, this guy is a vampire and he wants to eat you. Can’t you see that?

JANET
Oh, so what if he does. When was the last time you tried to eat me?

(JANET gets up and walks to VLAD. VLAD begins to kiss JANET’s neck. JANET likes it.)
BRAD
Manager! Your wait staff is feeding on my girlfriend! If something isn’t done about this soon, I’m never eating here again!

(TONY ENTERS, SHRUGS, EXITS)
JANET
Oh shut up, Brad. Vlad knows how to treat a woman, which is a lot more than I can say for you. We’re breaking up.

BRAD
What? You’re leaving me for Count Chocula?

VLAD
Brad, if I wanted marshmallows. I would probably be dining on you.

BRAD
I’ve had just about enough of you, buddy.

(BRAD gets up to fight VLAD. VLAD hisses. BRAD sits.)
JANET
Brad, you are such a wuss. Any real man would have kicked some ass by now.

VLAD
One reason to dump your boyfriend!

BRAD
Janet, he’s a vampire!

JANET
So what? God, you’re such a whiner. That’s so unattractive in a guy.

VLAD
Two reasons to dump your boyfriend!
BRAD
Janet please take me back. Don’t go home with this creepy blood-sucker. I’ll do anything. I’ll shave my back. I’ll start subscribing to “O” magazine. Just please don’t leave me.

(BRAD clings to JANET’s leg.)

JANET
Ok, who’s creepy now?

VLAD
Three reasons to dump your boyfriend! Ah, ah, ah!

(Lightning crashes in the background.)

BRAD
Manager!

(TONY ENTERS)

BRAD
Manager! Manager! Please tell my girlfriend that she’s throwing her life away. Tell her she’s better off with me!

(TONY stops and thinks)

TONY
You’re better off with the vampire.

(TONY EXITS)

JANET
Oh, Brad.

BRAD
Janet. Would you really rather damn your soul for eternity with this creature than spend the rest of your natural life with me?

(Pause.)

JANET
Come on Vlad, let’s go to Outback and get a blooming onion.

(VLAD hisses.) (BLACKOUT.)

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