Matt Kelley is Great.com

Current mood: full
Category: Blogging

That’s what happens when you eat a whole pizza by yourself.  Ugh. 

Currently watching : Buffy the Vampire Slayer - The Complete Fifth Season (Slim Set) Release date: By 30 May, 2006

So, my computer crashed on me and I had to format my C drive. My E drive is giving me shit too, but it is being worked on by top men. Top men. Hopefully, all my video projects, graphic design projects and writing projects will be saved for they were on the drive of E.

But here is the real problem. My entire Buffy: The Vampire Slayer Collection was on my C drive. It is now gone forever. I was just starting season five and now I am totally fucked. Jiles had just bought the magic shop, Willow’s girlfriend is a demon (maybe), and Buffy now has a little sister. As you can probably tell, things have really heated up in Sunnydale.

It’s going to take at least another 3 days to re-download the rest of the series and I’m afraid I can’t wait that long. I mean, what if I’m strangled by a rapist of eaten by a bear. I’ll never get to find out if Spike gets that chip out of his head that stops him from harming humans.

So please, please, if you have Buffy Season 5, let me know. I’m dying here.

Also, I was starting to watch Angel too. If you have Angel Season 1. Hook it up also.

Currently watching : Mom and Dad Save the World Release date: By 30 August, 2005

Category: Blogging

I could totally beat Micael Jordan in a game of hoops.  He is a big pussy.  I would be dribbling the ball all sweet like and he would try to take it from me.  Yeah right Jordan.  I would pass it to myself through his legs and then, guess what?  Slam dunk!  In your face Jordan.  I am a way better b-ball player than you. 

You think you are all bad ass cuz you are in the Hanes commercials.  Booosh!  That’s another slam dunk.  I psyched you out.  You were thinking about underpants while I was taking it to the hole.  Kevin Bacon ain’t gonna help you now.  It’s one on one biotch. 

Now, you’re all like, “Damn, I used to be good at b-ball.  Why can’t I beat this white kid?”  I’ll tell you why.  I ate an entire cheesecake before I went to bed last night.  Did you eat an entire cheesecake before bed? Didn’t think so.

So the next day we play again and you eat seven meatballs before the game.  Nope.  That’s not gonna work.  You’re gonna be all tired.  Meatballs don’t have the power.  Only cheesecake.  You want the recipe?  I could give it to you.  Or I could become the most powerful basketball player in the world!!!!!!  Nah.  You can have it.           

Currently watching : The Cutting Edge - Gold Medal Edition Release date: By 28 February, 2006

Current mood: angry
Category: Blogging

So I’ve decided that I don’t like working…at all. Some people get a lot of satisfaction out of “a job well done” or “a good sweat” but not me. If I could, I would lay on my back and crack stupid jokes all day and have penguins in little sweaters and scarves feed me fish. It’s not that I’m burned out or that I want to choose a new career path, I just plain don’t like to work. It’s that simple. I figure the only way to avoid having to work is having a lot of money and unfortunately, much like a strong work ethic, this is something I was born without. Now, I’m cool with that. I’m not blaming mom and dad for not being rich. I love mom and dad. Well, mom anyway. I’d probably be even more of an asshole if I were born with a wad twenties in my diaper, but life is a lot harder now. I have to do things like feed myself and buy things like soap and toothpaste and drugs.

So, I’ve decided that I need to become a corn tycoon. I think it wise to invest in corn now and I think if I do, I will soon be a rich man, at least rich enough to avoid working for a little while. But of course, there is a problem. I went to talk to a financial advisor about my future as a corn tycoon and the bitch wouldn’t sell me any corn. She wanted me to invest in these slow ass mutual funds that would earn me about 200 bucks after a year. i don’t htink I could even buy one penguin for $200 bucks. Fuck that! Then she lectured me about how the stock market is only for people who have “money to play around with.” Well, what the hell does that mean? I’m a young single male with no wife, no kids and no plans for any major purchases within the next few years. Every dollar I make is “money to play around with!” I don’t want a family of whiny babies and as of now I don’t even have a girlfriend to spend money on, so what’s the big deal? Sell me some fuckin corn!

I told her I would think about the mutual fund, which really meant “no fuckin way.” I’m half tempted to close all my accounts there. It’s ok though. Someday soon I will find somebody to help me buy corn and then…then I will have all the money I need. I’ll have enough for a rocket car and a solid gold house and maybe even that doomsday laser I’ve had my eye on for so long. (sigh) A guy can still dream can’t he?

Currently watching : Timecop 2 Release date: By 30 September, 2003

Current mood: cranky
Category: Blogging

So, I’ve been looking for a picture of a monkey milking a cow for a long time.  Almost a year.  I still haven’t found one.  I know that somewhere on God’s green earth at some moment in time a monkey milked a cow and somebody took a picture of it. I need to find that picture.  So far this is as close as I’ve even seen a monkey and a cow.

  Note that the monkey is not even begining to get ready to milk.   If you can find a picture of a monkey milking a cow, I owe you something special.  Or if you know where I can find a monkey and a cow, I’m not opposed to making it happen myself. 

Currently watching : Road House Release date: By 04 February, 2003

Current mood: surprised
Category: Blogging

So, with the recent news and all, I’m sure eveyone has seen that picture of Mel Gibson with the crazy ass Arab beard. I don’t know what that guy is thinkin, but dude is just plain nuts. if you have not seen said picture, here is what I am talking about.

What a freak, right? Then I got to thinking. Doesn’t he look a little bit like a former Iraqi dictator? It had to be coincidence. It’s not like they could be the same person. I mean, Saddam Hussein is locked up in jail somewhere refusing to eat and Mel Gibson is out driving drunk around LA. But, I thought to myself… what if?

After carefully studying both of these photographs under my electron microscope, I was shocked. Of course, it wasn’t possible. There is no way that Mel Gibson and Saddam Hussein could be the same person. I ran to grab my VHS copy of Lethal Weapon 2 and for the first time I saw the truth. It’s sort of hard to see but if you really concentrate and look really hard, you can see a distinct resemblence. Check it out.

Amazing! It has to be true! Mel Gibson and Saddam Hussein are the same person! I mean, look at the facts:

1) They are both dudes
2) They both have beards
3) They both hate Jews

It’s so obvious now, I don’t know how I ever missed it. In fact the other night, Braveheart was on TBS and I recorded it to reconfirm my research. If you can’t see it in this picture, then you’re just plain nutzo. Here’s what I’m talking about.

So, now you know. Saddam Hussein and Mel Gibson are the same person! Don’t watch anymore of their movies! This is bad for America! This is bad for the entire world! Every person who went and and saw The Passion of the Christ is supporter of terror, rape rooms and fake Weapons of Mass Destruction! This is the biggest government conspiracy of the century! Even bigger than 9/11!

Currently watching : Theodore Rex Release date: By 08 July, 2003

Category: Blogging

What the fuck?  What the hell are you so afraid of?  Are you afraid to meet somebody new and interesting?  Is your myspace profile so dear to you that it is privy only to you and you friends?

I mean, all I want to do is stalk you.  Is that soo wrong?  All I want to do is find out what type of music you like and what movies you love and change my profile to say the same things and trick you into meeting me.  That’s not so bad.  

I just want to trick you into meeting me so I can steal your underwear and take pictures of myself in them.  If that is crime, I am afraid that I am guilty.  It’s not like I’m going to kill you or anything.  Well, not yet anyway.  Not after just meeting you through your myspace profile.  I like to work my way into murder.  You know, wine and dine you a little bit first.  If you haven’t realized that I’m creepy after a few weird dates that I’ve talked you into, you probably had it coming anyway. 

Don’t you see what your missing?  

P.S. I like using Courier New.  It’s waaaaay better than Times New Roman.

Current mood: full
Category: Blogging

Dear Sandwich,

You are the most tasty treat I have every had in my entire life. I don’t know if it was the chicken breast, the ham or the cheese that did it to me but I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t get any work done and I can’t sleep. I have sandwich on my mind. There is something special about you. I get this strange feeling whenever I am around you. I feel complete. I feel…full. Sandwich, I think I am in love with you. I know it’s crazy, but I don’t know how else to say it. I have been all around the world and I have eaten many foods but I always come crawling back to you. Everytime I look to the clouds I hear a gentle voice whisper the words “sandwich.” Your friend, cheese fries is pretty cool but you sandwich, you are the one that I want. I feel like we were meant to be together. Like Bonnie and Clyde or Eminiem and Dr. Dre or Barbara and Lance (I’m sure that somewhere there is a Barbara and Lance that were meant to be together.) Our time together was so short and it breaks my heart. I wish you didn’t have to leave so soon sandwich, but I was really hungry. I will see you again soon…in a few hours. Meet me in the bathroom.

Yours Truly,
Matt “Nine Tails” Kelley

Currently watching : 7th Heaven - The Complete Third Season Release date: By 28 November, 2006

Current mood: angry
Category: Blogging

So, I know its not very cool to like Tom Jones and there are tons of other bands out there but man that dude can wail. I’ve always been a big fan of yelling in general but Tom Jones can yell like the best of them. I’m sure a bunch of indie kids will read this and be like, “What the fuck are you talking about? Tom Jones is so old. What the hell are you listening to him for? Don’t you know that Panic! At the Disco has a new record out?”

Honestly, I couldn’t care less about Panic! At the Disco. I don’t know what they sound like or what song they sing and I really don’t give a fuck. I figure music has been around a lot longer than I have so I have some catching up to do. There are a lot of sweet songs that I missed because I was not yet alive. Right now, I’m listening to those songs. I’ll listen to Panic! At the Disco when I’m 60. Maybe they are great and maybe I am missing out on some awesome tunage but whatever. I don’t have time to be hip and trendy.

You really have to be involved to keep up with the music scene now and you have to wear the right clothes and have the right haircut. I think that sucks ass. I try to be diverse with the types of music I listen to because I think that most things can be appreciated for at least something. All this indie rock shit has enough people to love it. Here’s what is in my CD player right now:

Tom Jones- Greatest Hits
2 Live Crew- Nasty As They Wanna Be
Fiona Apple- Extraordinary Machine
Dragonforce- Inhuman Rampage
The Four Tops- Greatest Hits

All these records kick ass for completely different reasons. You know why I have these records in my CD player? I’ll tell you why. A skeleton named Barton Warren Suthington the third told me to buy them. He came to me in a dream.

Also, I have these records in my CD player because my fucking ipod has been broken for over two months now. Best Buy is being a total bitch about replacing it too. I’ve called those ass bandits seven times now and I still have not recieved retribution. So, I ask this…as a favor to me…if you have time…and if you have rock…and there is a best buy nearby…throw your rock through their window. I think they are out to get me…and you…and America. In fact I was walking by a Best buy the other day and I’m pretty sure I saw a nazi flag in the window. Is that really who you want to give your money to? Nazis?

I know I’m like a white dude and all, but I don’t think Nazi’s are very cool. You know that part at the end of the first Indiana Jones movie? I like that part because all the Nazis die. They get killed by God because they were totally shitty and not just to the Jewish people but also to Gypsies and retards. Now, they are being shitty to me by not replacing my ipod. I mean did I buy the two year warranty because I wanted to fucked over by Nazis? No.

This is it people. World War III. Fuck all that shit going on in Iraq. I want my ipod back and I’m going to get it. Even if it means I have to burn down every fucking Best Buy in the world. I’ll do it. There is an evil awakened in this land and thy name is Best Buy.

All I wanna do is ride my bike around and listen to “The Fuck Shop” on my ipod. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

Currently listening : Reloaded: Greatest Hits By Tom Jones Release date: By 14 October, 2003