Matt Kelley is Great.com

Current mood: happy
Category: Blogging

I kicked a girl in the face once. Not on purpose. Well, I knew she was there and I did mean to kick, but it really was an accident. It’s not like I thought about it and was like, yeah I’m gonna kick her in the face. It wasn’t like that at all. What happened was, I thought, hey, I could kick over in that area over there and everything will be ok. Turns out I was wrong. There was a girls face in that area and that face got kicked. I felt really bad and apologized immediately. She was mad, but I guess I would be too if I had just got kicked in the face. Lucky for me, I didn’t get kicked in the face, she did. Dear Lindsay, I’m really sorry for kicking you in the face.

Currently watching : Suburban Commando Release date: By 03 September, 2002

Current mood: embarrassed
Category: Blogging

Yup.  Last week, I was sent out for donuts and they didn’t all get eaten so I put the extra ones in the fridge.  When I came back on Moday, the donuts were untouched.  It seemed like a crime to just throw them in the trash and I figured nobody would be the wiser if I ate one.  I tried really hard to be discreet about it too.  So, of course that only made things more embarrassing.  My lunbch had been sub-par that dayI stood by the fridge debating if I could get down the hall without being seen with the donut.  I hid it behind a bag of chex mix and walked down he hall.  Now, you’re probably thinking, why didn’t you just eat the chex mix?  I did eat the chex mix, but I wanted the donut too.  I guess I just got greedy.  Maybe i deserved to get caught.  Anyway, I made it down the hall and I figured I was home free.  My boss was eating lunch in the other room and nobody else ever came in my little room.  About three bites into the stale and sticky treat, my boss comes in to look for something.  Like an idiot, i jumped at the sight of him.  If he didn’t notice the donut in my hand before, he certainly did then.  On a hopefully unrelated note, I was not needed at work today. 

Currently listening : Revolver [UK] By The Beatles Release date: By 25 October, 1990

Category: Blogging

Yup. I said it.

Currently watching : Zorro, the Gay Blade Release date: By 10 July, 2001

Current mood: chipper
Category: Blogging

You know. I’m feeling pretty good yoday. Sometimes I just have to stop and smile and think to myself, “Hey. It’s not that bad.” It really isn’t. Sure, maybe I lost $200 on that basketball game, but thats ok. It’s only money. Money isn’t important. It’s how I feel that makes a difference. And it’s not how i feel physically, it’s the emotions that count. For instance, I have the stomach flu right now and I feel totally shitty, physically, but emotionally, I feel wonderful because life is wonderful. It may feel like there are 6000 knives poking me in the stomach right now but thats fine because I know that I will only feel that much better in the end. Things really are just great. I mean, so what if my entire family was viciously murdered by a bear? Big deal. I’ll get a new family. A better family. One that doesn’t complain so much. Sometimes you just have to look at the bright side of things.

Currently watching : Missing in Action 2 & 3 (The Beginning and Braddock) Release date: By 08 October, 2002

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Blogging

If I ever die (which I probably never will) I have some requests I’d like to make.  Nothing big, just a few little details for the world to remember me by.  People come and go everyday and it makes me sad to know that I never got to meet each and every one of them.  So if I die, (which I probably won’t anyway so it most likely doesn’t even matter) I would like to do a few things so people could know what kind of guy I was.  I want people to know that I cared.  First, I would like the people of the world to light a candle.   If I could get eveybody in the whole world to light candles together as a species, it would make me so happy.  I would look down from high above and know that at that particular time, everybody in the world was working together.  Second, I would like poeple to give up all their worldly posessions.  We need to realize that it doesn’t matter how much stuff a person has, it’s what people think and feel that really matters in life.  I feel like if we all did this, we could start over and forget about all the wars and violence happening in the world.  I like to think of it as having a clean slate.  You know.  Forget the past, look forward to the future.  I know this is sort of a lot to ask, but hear me out.  I think it’s really for a good cause.  Next, I want everyone to shave their heads.  If we all look the same, there will be no more discrimination, right?  Of course I’m right.  Everyone will live on the same paste-based protein diet and drink only enough water to themselves alive.  We waste so much in this world and I would be so happy if I could see some conservation.  Once everyones will is broken, I would just love to have a giant statue of me erected in the middle of the United States.  And when I say giant statue, I mean gigantic.  I want my right foot to plant somewhere in the midwest and I want my left foot hovering just above the Statue of Liberty like I’m getting ready to crush it.  I never would crush it of course, but I just think it would be a funny image to see.  Now, I know not everybody will go for this.  Now that I am typing this out, I think it really is a lot to ask.  So, when the statue is complete, I want those of you who really helped me out to make my dying wish come true to take those candles from earlier and start huge fires.  Use the fires to chase down the others.  If they resist, burn them alive.  Burn them by the hundreds, the thousands!  They won’t be able to stop me!  The streets will fill with the blood of the non-believers!  I want to smell their rotting flesh as I sit miles above the earth’s atmosphere in my new gigantic metalic body.  Oh yeah, did I mention that I want the statue to be a fully functioning robot?  Because I do.  Yes. That way I can crush all those who stand in my way.  If people could do these tiny little things if I die, (which most likely will never happen) that would really make my day.                   

Currently watching : Glitter Release date: By 15 January, 2002

Current mood: blank
Category: Blogging

If I were a bear, my life would bve so much better.  I would live in the woods and scratch my ass on trees.  The river would be full of yummy fish and if I ever I got tired of eating fish, I would just eat a hunter.  They don’t put bears in jail for eating people.  They only do that with people.  Like like weird German dude who ate that other weird German dude’s dick.  Eww.  That makes me shiver everytime I think about it.  What the hell is wrong with people.  Why can’t I be a bear?  Of course, if I were a bear, I would have never seen that delightful show, Night Court.  Man.  Think about that for a minute.  Life without Night Court.  Would life even be worth living without the hilarious antics of Bull or Dan Fielding?  I’m not so sure.  Remember that episode when Harry figured out that the crystal bird was really made of ice?  He was clever.  Wait.  I think that was an episode of Mathnet.  Maybe that’s the show I’m thinking of.  Yeah.  I don’t remember Night Court being very funny.  Actually, I don’t think Mathnet was good either.  Are there even any good shows on anymore?  I mean, besides Gillmore Girls.          

Current mood: crushed
Category: Blogging

Man do I hate babies.  They are all like “waahhhhhhh waahhhhhhh”  and I’m all like “chill the fuck out, baby.”  And do they listen?   No.  Of course not.  They just keep crying and crying.  If  babies would just listen to me, everything would be cool.  It’s like they got something to prove.  You know, thats just fine with me.  The next time a baby wants something from me, I’m not going to give it to them.  Whats that baby?  You want some food?  Golly, that sucks.  I guess you better order a pizza.  Oh, you don’t have any money?  Well don’t look at me.  Go get a fucking job.  I have to work.  You think you don’t have to work just because you are a baby?  Do you think you are better than me?  I got news for you.  You’re not better than me.  You can’t even walk.  I can walk.  I can walk really well.  All you can do is lay there, cry and crap yourself.  I haven’t crapped myself in over a decade.  How do you feel about that?  You make me sick.             

Currently watching : Mother Release date: By 13 February, 2001

Current mood: angry
Category: Blogging

I am very angry right now.  Grrrrrrr.

Category: Blogging

I haven’t had a cigarette for 5 days and man do I feel great! Wait. Did I say great? I meant to say that I feel like poking out my own eyes and tearing off all of my skin. Actually, it’s really not that bad. Cravings don’t really last that long and can be easily taken care of by a little harmless self-mutilation. Everytime I want a cigarette, I just cut myself with a razorblade and what do you know? The cravings stop! I just hope this doesn’t turn out like the last time I quit smoking; gaining thirty pounds by substituting food for smokes and then starting to smoke again to drop the weight with no success and not getting the free bag of weed I was promised, which was why I quit smoking in the first place. I guess I just need to be properly motivated. And no, not getting cancer is not enough motivation for me. Some of my best friends are cancers. Right now, avoiding a punch in the face seems to be enough motivation, though I hardly doubt that Kevin has the tacos to really throw a punch my way. In case you have’t seen my new picture, I’m quite the scrapper.

Current mood: confused
Category: Blogging

Since moving to Chicago, I have noticed many differences between the friends I have made here and the friends I have made in the past. Some differences are subtle and some are drastically, well…different. Most differences can be attributed to environment or upbringing and are easily explainable, but there is one difference that I can’t seem to bring myself to understand; most friends I have made in Chicago like the show Sportsnight and friends from Ohio think it is the absolute worst piece of garbage ever to plague fiber-optic cables. Now, maybe I’m missing something here and I could be wrong, but I agree with the good people of the buckeye state. Sportsnight totally sucks. It’s not funny. The setting totally sucks and Josh Charles (aka Dan Rydell) will always just be the kid who works at Clown Dog in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. Now, I really like to think of myself as somebody who appreciates television and I tried to like this show back when it went into syndication on comedy central but I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t like the characters. Therefore, I didn’t give a damn if Natalie and Jeremy were going to date at work and I totally didn’t give a shit if Dana and whatever that other dude’s name was were gonna hook up. I just wanted them to all get eaten by aliens or something. Alas, that never happened. Maybe it was in an episode that I never got to see, but I doubt it. Don’t get me wrong Chicago friends. I still love you but I won’t love Sportsnight. If that’s a dealbreaker for you, I am sorry.

Currently watching : Timecop Release date: By 20 January, 1998