“Don’t Forget To Tip Your…Vampire”
“Don’t Forget To Tip Your…Vampire”
Matt Kelley
1/9/07 Version 4
CAST
JANET, 20’s
BRAD, 20’s
TONY, 40’s
VLAD, ??’s
(BRAD and JANET have just been seated for a meal.)
BRAD
This place has the best Noodle Coodle in the whole city. I’m starving. Let’s eat!
JANET
Are you sure? It smells like somebody died in here.
BRAD
It’s fine. This is just an old restaurant. The muskiness adds character.
JANET
Are you sure you don’t want to go to Outback? I could go for a blooming onion.
(VLAD ENTERS)
VLAD
Good Evening.
JANET
Oh! Hello. You startled me.
VLAD
Yes. I have a habit of doing this.
(VLAD casts a long seductive glare at JANET. BRAD clears his throat.)
BRAD
Umm, can we see a wine list, Mr?
VLAD
Ah, how rude of me. I am Vlad and I will be your…master.
(VLAD gives the wine list to BRAD.)
BRAD
Waiter.
VLAD
What?
BRAD
You will be our waiter. I think you said master.
VLAD
Oh, of course. How silly of me. I will be your…waiter.
(BRAD looks over wine list.)
BRAD
Can you suggest something?
VLAD
I never drink…wine.
BRAD
Umm,ok. We’ll just start with a basket of garlic bread.
(VLAD hisses.)
BRAD
What?
JANET
I think it’s the bread.
BRAD
What? Garlic bread?
(VLAD hisses.)
BRAD
Stop that.
(VLAD hisses.)
VLAD
I will be right back with your…bread.
(VLAD EXITS)
BRAD
Wow, what a creep. If I wanted to get waited on by a weirdo, I could have taken you out to Denny’s.
JANET
I don’t know. I think he’s kinda sexy.
BRAD
Sexy? Janet, he was totally raping you with his eyes.
JANET
Oh Brad please. He wasn’t raping me.
BRAD
I know eye-rape when I see it Janet.
(VLAD returns with a basket of garlic bread. He throws it on the table in disgust.)
VLAD
I apologize for my outburst earlier. Please accept this complimentary bottle…of wine.
JANET
Oh, why thank you, handsome. See Brad. He’s not a weirdo.
VLAD
The pleasure is all mine, my dear.
(VLAD begins to kiss JANET’s hand. BRAD stops him.)
BRAD
Ok. I think we’re ready to order. I’ll have the steak.
(VLAD hisses.)
BRAD
Enough with the sexy undead bit, ok? I get it. You want to seduce my girlfriend and sire us to become part of your unholy army of the night, right? Well that’s not going to happen. I want to see the manager right now!
VLAD
I am sorry. I will get him for you now. Tony!
(TONY ENTERS. He is gross. TONY scratches himself.)
TONY
Whatta you want?
BRAD
Yes. Your wait staff won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend and I think he might be (whispering) vampire.
TONY
You don’t like it? Eat somewhere else.
(TONY EXITS)
JANET
Brad, you are embarrassing me.
BRAD
Janet, this guy is a vampire and he wants to eat you. Can’t you see that?
JANET
Oh, so what if he does. When was the last time you tried to eat me?
(JANET gets up and walks to VLAD. VLAD begins to kiss JANET’s neck. JANET likes it.)
BRAD
Manager! Your wait staff is feeding on my girlfriend! If something isn’t done about this soon, I’m never eating here again!
(TONY ENTERS, SHRUGS, EXITS)
JANET
Oh shut up, Brad. Vlad knows how to treat a woman, which is a lot more than I can say for you. We’re breaking up.
BRAD
What? You’re leaving me for Count Chocula?
VLAD
Brad, if I wanted marshmallows. I would probably be dining on you.
BRAD
I’ve had just about enough of you, buddy.
(BRAD gets up to fight VLAD. VLAD hisses. BRAD sits.)
JANET
Brad, you are such a wuss. Any real man would have kicked some ass by now.
VLAD
One reason to dump your boyfriend!
BRAD
Janet, he’s a vampire!
JANET
So what? God, you’re such a whiner. That’s so unattractive in a guy.
VLAD
Two reasons to dump your boyfriend!
BRAD
Janet please take me back. Don’t go home with this creepy blood-sucker. I’ll do anything. I’ll shave my back. I’ll start subscribing to “O” magazine. Just please don’t leave me.
(BRAD clings to JANET’s leg.)
JANET
Ok, who’s creepy now?
VLAD
Three reasons to dump your boyfriend! Ah, ah, ah!
(Lightning crashes in the background.)
BRAD
Manager!
(TONY ENTERS)
BRAD
Manager! Manager! Please tell my girlfriend that she’s throwing her life away. Tell her she’s better off with me!
(TONY stops and thinks)
TONY
You’re better off with the vampire.
(TONY EXITS)
JANET
Oh, Brad.
BRAD
Janet. Would you really rather damn your soul for eternity with this creature than spend the rest of your natural life with me?
(Pause.)
JANET
Come on Vlad, let’s go to Outback and get a blooming onion.
(VLAD hisses.) (BLACKOUT.)