“Celebrity”
Here’s a scene for the show “Welcome to America, May I Take Your Border?” December 2006-February
“Celebrity”
Matt Kelley
04/19/06 Version 1
CAST
VERONICA, 22
LISA, 21
JOHNNY GEETAR, 25
(VERONICA and LISA are waiting outside JOHNNY GEETAR’s dressing room. They knock on the door. JOHNNY GEETAR answers)
VERONICA and LISA
Oh my god!! It’s Johnny!!!
JOHNNY GEETAR
Hello ladies. How can I do you?
(VERONICA and LISA scream with delight)
VERONICA
Johnny, we are like your biggest fans. We have all your records.
LISA
We’ve seen all your movies.
VERONICA
I even bought that Johnny Geetar facial scrub that got recalled after all those kids got sick.
JOHNNY GEETAR
It’s always nice to meet fans. Would you like to come in?
(The girls get giddy and enter the dressing room)
JOHNNY GEETAR
I’ll get some drinks. You girls are 21, right? I’m just kidding. Like I really give a shit.
(JOHNNY walks away to get drinks.)
LISA
Oh my God. He is soo dreamy.
VERONICA
I know. I just want to eat him up. If I don’t come home tonight, don’t wait up.
(JOHNNY comes back with drinks)
JOHNNY GEETAR
Here you go ladies.
(VERONICA takes a sip of her drink.)
VERONICA
Ewww. This tastes like dog piss.
JOHNNY GEETAR
Oh I’m sorry, that one’s mine.
LISA
What is it?
JOHNNY GEETAR
It’s a gastro-intestinal stabilizer shake. I have to drink one every four hours or else I get violent diarrhea.
VERONICA
Oh that’s terrible.
JOHNNY GEETAR
Yeah, but I don’t want to bore you with a bunch of silly details about my intestines. Let’s get down to what you girls really came here for.
(JOHNNY GEETAR begins making out with the two girls. They all pant and moan until JOHNNY GEETAR’s wig falls off.)
VERONICA
Oh my god! Your hair fell off!
JOHNNY GEETAR
Oh. Whoops. I’ve been meaning to get more glue. Damn thing almost flew off in the show tonight.
LISA
You mean that’s not your real hair?
JOHNNY GEETAR
I’m afraid not. Alopecia has left me bald a baby’s ass since I turned 17.
LISA
But it looks so real.
JOHNNY GEETAR
Oh yeah. It’s the best money can buy.
VERONICA
It doesn’t matter. I think it’s kinda sexy. Besides, you still have those deep blue eyes for me to get lost in.
JOHNNY GEETAR
Do you like them? The record label makes me wear these contact lenses. I hate them. They really make my eyes itch.
(JOHNNY GEETAR takes out a contact lense)
VERONICA
So, that’s not your real eye color?
JOHNNY GEETAR
Actually, this one isn’t even my real eye.
(JOHNNY GEETAR removes his right eye)
LISA
Ewwww.
JOHNNY GEETAR
Now, where were we?
LISA
Whoa. Hold on a second. I’m suddenly not so in the mood.
JOHNNY GEETAR
What’s wrong baby?
VERONICA
Lisa, this is Johnny Geetar.
LISA
I’m not sure about that anymore.
JOHNNY GEETAR
I’m still the same person on the inside.
VERONICA
Yeah. Here Johnny, why don’t you play us a song?
(VERONICA hands JOHNNY GEETAR his geetar)
JOHNNY GEETAR
What? I don’t know how to play that thing.
LISA
You don’t?
VERONICA
But we saw you playing it in the show.
JOHNNY GEETAR
Yeah, I just pretend to play it. There’s this guy named Tony who stands offstage. He’s the one who really plays it. Say hi, Tony.
(TONY ENTERS)
TONY
Hello.
(TONY EXITS)
LISA
But you still write the songs.
JOHNNY GEETAR
No. A guy named Randy does that. I’m really just the good looks.
LISA
You are a phony. Come on Veronica. Lets get out of here.
VERONICA
Excuse us for a second.
(VERONICA and LISA step away to talk privately.)
LISA
Lets book. This guy is gross.
VERONICA
Don’t leave. I want to stay.
LISA
What? What do you want to stay for?
VERONICA
So what if he’s not as good looking as we thought. I mean, he’s still a good person. Plus, I haven’t been with a guy in over a year.
LISA
Fine.
VERONICA
Thank you.
(VERONICA and LISA go back to JOHNNY GEETAR)
VERONICA
We’ve decided to stay.
JOHNNY GEETAR
Great. Now before I sex it up with a chick, I like to smear my body with ox blood and make a sacrifice to the dark lord, Zantar.
LISA
Ok. We’re out of here.
(LISA pulls VERONICA away from JOHNNY GEETAR)
VERONICA
No. I don’t care. Let me stay.
LISA
No way.
JOHNNY GEETAR
If you guys really need to leave, can you help me put on my adult diaper before I go to bed?
(LISA eventually pulls VERONICA out of the room. JOHNNY GEETAR stands alone in his room. VERONICA comes back into the room.)
JOHNNY GEETAR
You came back.
(VERONICA takes JOHNNY GEETAR’s wig, glass eye and guitar and runs out of the room.)
JOHNNY GEETAR
I should really learn to play guitar. Oh well. Tony, send in some more girls.
(TONY ENTERS)
TONY
You got it.
(TONY EXITS)