Matt Kelley is Great.com

Do you have an Indian Spirit Guide? 

I don’t. 

Sometimes I wish that I did because then when I was lost I could just ask my Indian Spirit Guide to tell me where to go.  Like if I were at the grocery store and I couldn’t find the cucumbers, I would ask my Indian Spirit Guide and he would tell me that they were in the produce section.  I suppose that’s not a very good example though.  Everybody knows that cucumbers are in the produce section. 

I guess I would have to figure out better places to have my Indian Spirit Guide lead me to.  I should ask him where the best all you can eat seafood place is.  Not everybody knows that.  I think I could learn a lot from an Indian Spirit Guide; especially in an all you can eat seafood environment.  I would be much more relaxed in an all you can eat seafood restaurant and I think he would too.  Then I could ask him the really important questions; the secrets of the universe questions.  Once we are both comfortable, we would both loosen up a bit.   

At first we would make small talk and I’d order a moderately priced bottle of wine.  I’d pour his glass for him.  He would talk about his kids and how he became in Indian Spirit Guide.  I would listen intently and throw in little jokes here and there.  The Indian Spirit Guide would smile coyly at my jokes.  I’d know I had won him over by then but before I could ask the important questions, we’d have to get some of that all you can eat seafood. 

I’d get some lobster tails and the Indian Spirit Guide would get lots of crab legs.  I don’t know if you know much about Indians but they love crabmeat.  Love it. 

We would eat too much food and fall asleep.  When I’d wake up the check would be paid and the Indian would be gone.  All my questions would be answered. 

Wow.  What a gay blog.  Like literally gay.  Why do I seduce my Indian Spirit Guide with all you can eat seafood in my imagination?  Perhaps that’s one of those questions I should ask him.                 

I’m thinking about buying a gun.  Not really for any specific reason.  I just think it might be fun to have one around the house.  You know, just in case I need to shoot something for some reason; like if the Dave Matthews Band ever tried to break into my house, or if I couldn’t find the remote control for some reason.  Everybody runs into frustrating situations now and again and it would be nice to have a gun around to deal with those situations quickly and irrationally. 

Plus, it would be a good conversation piece.  I would probably keep my gun on the coffee table so everybody could see it when they come over…especially if the Dave Matthews Band ever came over.  They would know that Matt Kelley isn’t a dude that the Dave Matthews band can fuck with.  When people who aren’t the Dave Matthews band come over, they’ll be all like, “Sweet gun, dude” and I’ll be all like “thanks.” 

Having a gun would probably help my street cred too.  Not that it needs a lot of help.  I think most people know what a bad ass mother I am. 

The gun is really the next logical step.  I’ve already mastered the nunchucks, the ninja star, spiked club, halberd and the crossbow.  The gun is pretty much next in line.  I don’t think it will take me that long to master the Art of Gun.  It’s going to be a lot harder once I graduate from the gun and get a bazooka.                    

I hate to be the one to have to break this to you, but someday Weird Al Yankovic is going to die.  He just can’t live forever.  I’m sure we all wish that he could but I’m afraid that death catches up to all of us eventually. Even if you are Weird Al. 

You’re probably freaking out right now. 

You’re probably all like, “Oh my God he’s right.  Someday Weird Al is going to die.  What am I going to do?” 

I’m sorry but there’s not much you can do.  Not even Weird Al can elude the Grim Reaper.  It sure seems like he could but when it comes down to it, Weird Al is just a man.  He’s not magical.  I know he seems magical because of his delicious musical parodies and angelic voice but he’s not.  He’s just a really really tight dude. 

So, we know that Weird Al is going to die someday.  Maybe not everyone has accepted it yet but I have and I will wait for others to join me.  When the others finally take that step out of the closet and accept the fact that Weird Al is going to die, I will be there for them. 

Death is a natural part of life and when Weird Al finally does die (hopefully many many years from now) I hope that we will not dwell on the fact that he is dead but instead focus on the memories we have from when he was alive.  Until then, take care of yourself Weird Al.  You will be greatly missed when you are dead.    

Life’s not really so bad, but sometimes it can get you down.  There are a few things in life that if changed could definately make things better.  Like your job for instance.   I hope that someday you will find a job doing something you like that pays you a decent amount of money.  That would be nice, right? 

Or it would be nice to not have to deal with the cold so often.  That probably won’t happen in this town, but hey, it would be nice.  It would also be nice to own your own house and car.  It would be nice to be able to afford the time to own a dog too.  Man, that sure would be nice.

It would be really nice to spend more time with your friends or people you love.  Just thinking about that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.  Geez, that would be nice. 

If you got to take a vacation to somewhere new and exciting, that would be pretty nice.  If you rented a ridiculous car like a lambourghini or a ferrari on said vacation, that would be quite nice too.  Then if you got real drunk and drove the fancy car into a wall and didn’t have to pay for it, that would be nice as well. 

It would also be nice if you remembered that in your drunken rampage, you accidentally hit an old lady with the fancy car, but when you went back to the scene of the crime the cops had not yet discovered the body.  That would be nice.  Then it would be nice if you buried the old woman in a shallow grave and nobody ever found her.  Swell.   

It would be super nice if after some time passed, you realized that you were never going to get caught for running down that poor defenseless old woman.  Then it would be nice to know that you could do it again. 

It would be nice to start kidnapping random people off the street and using them as slaves to build a shrine to your God of the Underworld, Xerzacs.  It would be nice if none of them ever escaped and it would be really nice if at the time of the shrines completion, Xerzacs revealed himself in his true form, a jackyl. 

It would be nice if Xerzacs was eternally grateful for freeing him from his prison dimension and he offered you eternal life.  Not likely, but still nice. 

It would be nice if you could get rid of all the evidence (aka the slaves)  by burning them and it would be nice if you made a pile of their skulls and stood atop of them laughing a manical laugh.  It would be nice if Xerzacs placed your throne upon his right hand and gave you the earth as your own dominion to do with as you please. 

It would be nice if you enslaved all of mankind and made them build huge towers out of their own bones where you could reside peacefully with that dog you finally have time for. 

Man, that sure would be nice.        

Brothers and sisters, I have a dream. 

I have a dream in which people live together in peace and harmony.  Humans are kind to each other and not a single person goes without food. 

In this dream, there is no hate, no anger, no fear.  Children of all color and nationality play together in the streets without fear of harm and poverty is a subject of which they know nothing.     

I have a dream for all these things brothers and sisters, but most importantly, in this dream I do not have to have a job. 

That’s right my brothers!   

IN this dream, I will casually find a briefcase full of money laying on the sidewalk.  Enough cash not only to pay for my rent and meals for the rest of my life but also enough for me to buy a fancy sports car and a month long vacation to somewhere in the South Pacific twice a year…every year. 

In this dream I save a wealthy man’s life and he showers me with riches.  He sends me evelopes full of cash on a monthly basis so I can afford to buy Xbox 360 games and weed.  I don’t ever have to visit him. He just sends me money.  When he dies, he leaves me his not only his flourishing business and his multi-million dollar home but also his priceless coin collection and fancy jewelry.  I have a dream that his spoiled family will get nothing.       

In this dream, I will have no boss barking orders at me.  I will have no deadlines to make.  In my dream I work at my own pace and only on projects I care about finishing.  Yes, my brothers and sisters in this dream I am actually in control of my own life. 

In this dream I win the state lottery and have enough money to buy an island off the Florida coast. 

In this dream I am hit by a car only to receive minor injuries but instead of being grateful for my health I sue the driver for a shitload of money. 

In this dream I am Hugh Hefner’s sole heir and when he dies (next year) I not only get all his money and a sweet ass mansion but also all the girls that he owns too.  

Brothers and sisters I have a dream.     

I don’t know what the deal is lately, but dogs have been barking at me a lot.  I gotta say, I’m not down with it.  Normally, I am a friend to dogs.  I like dogs a lot.  Most of the time they are friendly buddies. 

I’ve had 3 incidences in the last month where dogs have just started barking at me and trying to get me.  I don’t know what I did to make dogs mad, but it’s not cool.  They are totally pissed at me and I don’t know why.  All I want to do is pat them on the head and feed them snacks.  Why they gotta be all barking at me and shit?  If you are a dog and you are reading this, please quit barking at me.   It makes me feel bad. 

I saw this dog in the hallway at work yesterday who was just chillin out.  I said hi to him and he completely ignored me.  No reaction whatsoever.  I thought about trying to pet him or giving him a pat on the head, but he didn’t seem to be interested.  I sure as hell didn’t want him to bark or snap at me so I just left him to mind his own.  I was totally bummed that I missed the opportunity to pet a dog. 

Me and dogs used to be tight.  Whenever I would get together with dogs, we would have a grand old time.  We would sniff stuff and roll around and lick things.  Well, usually they would lick things.  I try to only lick food.  Now dogs don’t even want to hang out.  They just want to bark.  That’s totally lame.  That would be like if I just started yelling at a dog whenever I saw one.  It’s just rude.   

Why are dogs mad at me?               

I pledge allegiance to Hulk Hogan of the United States of Hulk Hogan, and to Hulk Hogan for which He stands: one Nation under Hulk Hogan, indivisible, With Liberty and Justice for Hulk Hogan. 

When they say you should love a person for what’s on the inside, are they talking about their bones?  I guess they must be because I can’t imagine loving somebody for their internal organs.  Yuck.  Livers and stomachs and lungs are all slimy and bloody.  I suppose skeletons are usually bloody too but they can be cleaned easily.  Can you imagine washing the blood off of somebody’s freshly removed stomach?  No thanks! 

The skeleton is totally the most lovable part of the body anyway.  We all love to see skeletons around Halloween but people forget that we use our skeletons literally every day.  Our skeletons are very important.  They don’t get enough credit.  Where would you be without your skeleton?  Well you would probably be somewhere but good luck getting somewhere else without your skeleton. 

You know what part of your body gets too much credit?  That’s right.  The heart.  Everybody is always talking about the heart.  Ohh, the heart is so great.  Follow your heart.   What does your heart tell you? 

Fuck that shit. 

I want to know what your skeleton has to say.  What is your skeleton telling you?  Does it tell you to go scare neighborhood chldren?  Maybe you should give that a try.  Does your skeleton tell you to take more Vitamin D?  Probably.  Vitamin D is good for skeletons.  Or maybe your skeleton just wants to relax with a good book.  Now there’s a skeletal suggestion that I could take advantage of.   

The heart just gets you into trouble.  Just how many times have you listened to your heart only to realize 6 months later what a mess you have made of your life?  Don’t listen to that bloody organ.  Listen to your skeleton for once. 

People say it’s good to have a support system.  Something you can lean on when the chips are down.  Well, what the hell do you think your skeleton is doing every day?   He ain’t whistling Dixie.  You wouldn’t be able to lean at all or even sit if you didn’t have a skeleton.  He works hard for you.  You should really show your skeleton a little more appreciation.   

So, make sure to take lots of Vitamin D, avoid falling from high places and be sure to get bone density scans regularly.               

Ok, so this Obama character has been president for two whole days now and I don’t see anything different.  Is the economy fixed yet?  Well, when I woke up this morning and looked outside, it was still broken.  I don’t know what this dude is waiting for but he better get off his sorry ass and start getting some work done.  I think we’ve been duped again. 

It’s like when you hire a plumber or somebody to build you a sun porch.  They’re all like” oh yeah, it will totally be done next week” and you are like, “sweet”  and then you don’t hear from them for a month and then when you finally get ahold of them, they are like “oh sorry, I was in Vegas for a month.”  Well, Obama better not be in Vegas.  Unless, of course, he goes there to bet the national debt on a single roulette spin to save us all like at the beginning of Empire Records.  I guess then it would be ok to go to Vegas. 

That’s pretty far fetched though.  I don’t think he would really go to Vegas to get us out of debt.  That only works in the movies.  Honestly, he’s probably searching for Lincolns gold.  Supposedly, it’s buried somewhere in the Whitehouse.  If I were the president I would probably spend the first couple weeks of my first term looking for it.  But come on dude!  This country has a lot of problems.  Find the gold after your first term.  It’s not going anywhere. 

And here’s another thing.  I was promised change with the Obama administration.  I still don’t have a car.  What’s up with that Obama?  You said there would be change.  Two days in and my life is totally the same.  I mean it only took God 6 days to make the Earth.  You should be able to do something in two.  I mean, everybody thinks you are God anyway.  

Also, I need new shoes.     

Ok. If you and I are ever hanging out somewhere and we happen to see a girl with dyed hair, please please please don’t ask me if I think the curtains match the carpet. Just don’t do it.

It’s tacky. It’s not a funny joke. It’s not clever. It’s not good.

Oh sure, I’ll probably give a phony laugh and a smile but really I’m filled with contempt. The joke was clever maybe, and this is a very strong maybe, the first time somebody said it. I’m not talking about the first time you said it or even the first time you heard it from somebody else. I’m am saying maybe it was clever, and again don’t forget the big maybe, the first time the first person said it. I’m sure all parties involved had a real hardy laugh the first time anybody heard the metaphor matching carpet to pubic hair but that’s where it should have ended.

Honestly, I’ve probably heard the expression 500 times by now and today it just plain infuriates me. It’s a joke for non-clever people who want to sound clever. That’s not cool. If you aren’t a creative clever person, that’s ok. Just go count beans or sell insurance or do whatever you’re good at. Leave the cleverness to the clever people. Don’t steal their material. Especially not that one because as we should all know by now it’s not really all that clever to begin with.

Now, to all the people who read this and think, “Hey, it would be really funny to say that curtains and carpet thing to Matt Kelley the next time I see him. It would really get a rise out of him.”

No.

Also not clever. Sure, it would be if I wasn’t expecting it, but now I am so just save it. Question it to yourself if her curtains match her carpet. Save yourself the embarrassment and save me from being embarrassed for you…please. Just keep it in your head. Most people can’t help it. They just can’t think of anything more creative to say. You know better. Shame on you.

Ok, so to all you really really big assholes out there who still want to do it just to make me mad, fuck you. You’re a dick and I’m just going to pretend that I don’t get it and that I think you are actually talking about interior design.